The most frequent question I get from clients trying to resuscitate intimacy in their relationship is:
“When is She Going to Want Sex With Me Again?!”
And my answer is always the same.
“I don’t know…and neither does she.”
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The next question is, “Well, I know she doesn’t want sex right now, but I don’t know if she even WANTS to want sex with me. How can I tell if she even WANTS to want to be intimate again?”
Again. “I don’t know…and neither does she.”
She may have told you, “I don’t know why I don’t want to have sex. I don’t know when I’ll ever want it. And I’m not sure I will ever want it with anyone.”
That last line is supposed to help you believe this isn’t all about you. I know it doesn’t give you much comfort.
Let me give you some comfort.
First, let’s be really HONEST:
1. Your desire for sex with her is a smoke screen for your deeper feelings of abandonment, fear of rejection and desire for acceptance (all normal). It’s NOT all about the sex, is it?
2. If she was to simply look you in the eye right now – hug you tight – kiss you hard – tell you she loved you – said she is proud that you’re her man – and said “Everything is going to be alright. I will want plenty of sex with you again in exactly one year.”….your world would suddenly be fine again, wouldn’t it?
3. It’s not really the lack of sex making you crazy, imagining all sorts of crap and waking up at 4am every morning. It’s the utter lack of CERTAINTY in your relationship. You want to know right now how all this is going to work out, don’t you?
Second, here’s the CERTAINTY you have if you change nothing and remain an “unhappy married man”:
1. Everything will stay exactly the same or get worse soon.
2. She will continue to want more distance from you and continue to believe that nothing is fixable.
3. You will feel more and more insecure as she becomes more and more convinced that staying together is a mistake.
Other articles you may find helpful:
Is Your Wife Never In The Mood For Sex?How to Survive a Sh*t Storm by Doing Nothing at All
Third, here’s the CERTAINTY you have if you decide to start thinking, speaking and behaving like a “happily divorced man” (click that link to get the prescription for becoming an HDM):
1. You will stop arguing, whining, blaming and complaining about sex.
2. You will quickly start feeling clearer, bolder, smarter, calmer and more confident.
3. You immediately change the negative, downward spiral of energy in your home and start feeling happier and more secure.
4. You immediately stop talking and acting like an unhappily married man and start projecting a confident picture of who you really are and where you’re going.
There’s a reason that I talk about a happily divorced man and the traits that make this man so attractive to married (and single) women.
One of the traits of the happily divorced man is that he surrounds himself with people who inspire him, people he loves to be around, people who make him a better man.
So I want to talk a little more about this.
Why does a happily divorced man surround himself with people who inspire him?
It’s because sometimes when married men are down in the dumps, feeling like nobody cares about them, when their wife isn’t paying them attention and they feel like their life is going nowhere, they start following other people’s dreams, they start living in the mindset and the frame of everyone else around them, especially their wife’s.
And their wife can’t stand it. She can’t stand the mopey guy wandering around wondering what’s next. Asking questions like:
What do you want to do this weekend?
What are we going to do tonight for dinner?
Where are we going to go on vacation?
Happily divorced men don’t talk like that any longer and if you’re a married guy or a man in a long term relationship, you can stop doing it too. You can act like a happily divorced man now!
You can start by having a better idea of who you want to hang with and who you’re not going to hang with.
You can start going to men’s groups meetings like the online one we’re starting this Thursday (find out more at the end of this article) – some of the things the guys say at the end of these meetings are that they decided they wanted to hang around other people who think like they do.
These are married guys who are turning their relationships around because they’ve stopped following other people’s leads.
In these meet-ups we talk about things that nobody else talks about.
We talk about sex and we talk about feelings and we talk about vulnerability.
We talk about a man’s fears – the kind of stuff you’ll never talk about in your own kitchen with your own wife. It’s kind of sad really but that’s the way we are.
Other articles you may find helpful:
How To Stop Feeling So Rejected By Your WifeHow to Build Confidence by Getting S#!t Done…Even When You’re Sick
And when we decide to do this, when we hang around each other – we’re better. We help each other be better.
We’d love to have you with us.
We’d love to have you experience what it’s like to live to your own agenda, to be around people who think like you and feel like you.
People who will hold you accountable.
People who will inspire you and make you want to be a better man.
And they want you to do the same for them…
We need you!
So think about it. Think about whether you’re ready to shake up your life, shake up the way you’re thinking and feeling.
I guarantee you it will change something to move you forward and away from the limbo land you find yourself stuck in.
Find out more about our online men’s group here.
And for an example of what you can expect, watch the video below which is an audio excerpt from one of the sessions we ran last year:
The secret to creating peace, well being, happiness and CERTAINTY in your life is to realize you have the power to change your response and your circumstances.
Yes, this means choosing to drop the victim mentality and decide to take charge of your own mojo.
She never had and never will have the power to give you security or certainty.
And the more you try to hold her accountable for your security and certainty the more you will drive her away…and anyone else for that matter.
How do you do this?
You can only learn this from other men who have been initiated in the process of becoming a clear-headed, calm, confident and happy man.
Whether you stay married or not…this is your choice.
We do this with our proven coaching system and 90-Day Masculine Confidence Program.
We do it by attending men’s groups and retreats with other men.
We do it by committing to being the author of our own story and being accountable for our own sense of value and contribution.
And we do it by deciding to become a lifelong student who wants to operate at a higher level of purpose than agonizing over a woman who won’t have sex with him.
Why am I so confident about this?
Because I get emails like the one below. This man created this change in his relationship because he decided he was going to take the lead and become a happy man no matter what.
Here are his exact words from 2 days ago:
“Marriage is amazing. Family is amazing. {Wife name} and I are operating on a level that I could never imagine. We both look at each other and we share our amazement that we got through the dark half decade where we both weren’t sure if we were going to make it.”
“When we hold each other and talk, it’s like we are not only working on our marriage but grateful that we achieved this state together even though it was bought with a lot of pain on both sides. Maybe we had to go through that darkness. I don’t know. But, here we are.”
“I think we see sex now as not just satisfying some physical carnal need, but we genuinely enjoy that emotional connection that helps fuel us during the next day and keeps us close. Spontaneous touch and giggles are just a norm now.”
He was totally outcome independent as he did this work. His only certainty was the he KNEW he would emerge as a happily married man or a happily divorced man.
Other articles you may find helpful:
Wife Said She’s Done What Should You Do?The 3 BEST Ways to END an Unhappy, Sexless Marriage
The choice to become happy, engaged, accountable and consistent was his all along.
This is the choice in front of you. Learn where happiness really comes from and start living that dream now…not later.
Next Steps?
Most men need to seriously up the average of the men they choose to hang around.
And that’s what we’re offering to do for you.
We want to invite you to join some incredibly amazing men who have walked in your shoes – or are walking in them now.
The 2019 Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable starts on January 10th and is the perfect place for you to get the support, insight, encouragement and coaching you need to pull the curtain back and find the confident, attractive man you know is in there.
In this group of men you’ll also find that..
- There is lots of laughing
- There is unbridled encouragement and support
- The energy is always positive
- You feel like you are really heard and seen
- There’s no whiny complaining, blaming and shaming going on
- There’s a mutual desire to connect, share and learn from each other
- You feel energized – not drained – whenever you’re together
- You feel happier, peaceful and more powerful than before you were with them.
The membership is a monthly cost of $69 which you can cancel anytime you want.
If you’re a full-time member of this Roundtable, you will get:
- Membership into a private tribe of brothers who care about you
- Access to live coaching and Q&A with my colleague, Dan Dore and I
- A password to a private web page with all the session recordings, reading resources, personal challenge assignments and a running list of frequently asked questions with our written answers.
- Membership into an exclusive and secret Facebook community with just Roundtable members. More support is provided here.
- Exclusive access to my apprentice team of coaches who are available to talk with you privately when you need it.
Click THIS LINK and scroll to the bottom and sign up.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what I want for you brother,
This is what we teach men – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Dan Dore (my associate coach in the UK) and I are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become a man who is calmly moving toward what he wants and no longer wondering when (if ever) he’s going to have sex again, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
