By: Steve Horsmon
Every man I know has faced the “horror” of female rejection in one way or another. It can raise its ugly head with our own mothers in childhood or with the object of our 6th grade crush. The fear rattles our core when it comes to dating and getting the “Yes” answer we crave. Married men tremble at the thought of another eye-rolling, “is that all you ever think about” Saturday morning sexual rejection. And dads are often crushed by the expert skills their daughters acquire in dismissing their genuine fatherly concern and love.
The threat of female rejection can be paralyzing. It can make a man uncertain about himself and strip his self-confidence.
In avoiding the risk of female rejection, many men simply refuse to make any decision or take any action at all. Some decide to let her call all the shots and wait to be told what to do. They falsely believe this is what she wants. At this point, a man has lost the self-respect and confidence needed to lift himself up.
When dealing with rejection, some guys allow their emotions and anger to take charge. They will retaliate with an equal and opposite force. Using their words, tone, and volume they will try to neutralize her rejection with an attempt to hurt her right back.
When a man has chosen to either avoid or react to rejection, he has entered into one of the most uncomfortable and unattractive states a man can live in – the state of Fearing Her Reactions.
The 4 D’s of Female Rejection
I understand the state of fearing her reactions. Without the tools to understand and deal with them, strong emotions rush to the ends of our neck hairs and we become hurt and confused. The 4 most common types of emotions men experience with female rejection are:
Disapproval – It feels sad. She doesn’t like how you’re acting or who you are.
Disrespect – It feels mad. She feels free to say and do hurtful things you don’t deserve.
Disinterest – It feels lonely. She acts like your company is at the bottom of her priorities.
Disdain – It feels unworthy. She treats you like you’re not worthy of her consideration.
These 4 “tools of destruction” are used deftly by girls and women of all ages in all kinds of situations. They’ve learned that most boys and men fear these reactions and can be easily manipulated by them. As you will find out, they wish it wasn’t so easy.
In 2014, you will no longer be one of those men.
How to Disarm Her Power of Rejection
Remember the original Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones came face to face with a sword wielding Arab dude? Check it out here to refresh yourself.
We all thought “oh no”, as we expected another long, drawn out fight – as if Indiana hadn’t already had enough at that point. Then he just rolls his eyes, pulls out his pistol and shoots the guy and goes on about his day. The movie crowd roars.
Women reading this will likely gasp at this comparison. But I don’t care. Why?
Because I know that THEY know this is a harmless analogy to illustrate the type of COURAGE and SELF-ASSURDNESS men need to have when facing the threat of female rejection. It’s the type of courage they like to see in men.
Women will rarely tell you their secret desire for you to be UNAFFECTED by their rejection. They will not reveal the respect and attraction they feel for you when you are impervious to their tests of your will and your LOVE.
She wants to feel that your self-confidence and your love for her is strong enough to deflect her attempt to derail you. She wants you to be an “unrattled” Indiana Jones.
You can totally disarm her power of rejection if you understand that:
• It isn’t personal – it’s just a test
• She WANTS you to pass the test
• Even if her complaints about you are valid, she will be attracted to a confident response
• Your display of unconditional love and respect are more important to her than anything
• She wants you to show her that you WANT her, but you don’t NEED her
What “Disarming Her Power of Rejection” Looks Like
Try these as examples.
Her Disapproval: “Are you going to sit on your lazy butt all day and watch football?”
Your Response: “Nope. My lazy butt will be here until about 3:30pm. Then I am going to wash the car and clean the garage just like I said I would. Why don’t you set your cute lazy butt down here and join me?”
Her Disrespect: “Don’t do it that way! Why can’t you just do what I asked you without trying to change everything?”
Your Response: “Is there a 10 yr. old in the room I don’t see? I don’t ever speak to you like that and don’t accept being talked to like that. Sweetie, let’s talk about what you expected from me.”
Her Disinterest: “No, I really don’t feel like sex this morning. There’s too much to do.”
Your Response: “That’s okay, baby. If you don’t feel like it, then I don’t either. Sex is a lot more fun when we’re both in the mood. Come on, let’s get a piece of paper and make a list for the day.”
Her Disdain: “No, I don’t need your help with the kids this morning. It’s so much easier if I just do it all myself. You complicate things.”
Your Response: “Sounds good, babe. I’ll finish cleaning the kitchen and will start the dishwasher before I head out. Have a great day.” (Then give her a firm hug and a kiss and tell her you love her)
Your Calm Confidence is the Key
Notice in each example that you chose to respond – not react. Note that your tone is upbeat, unoffended, and unconcerned with her words of rejection toward you.
Your responses must contain sincere elements of respect and affection for her. A negative reaction will tell her that your respect and affection for her is conditional and can change like the wind – just like her emotions sometimes do. She needs to see a constancy of your commitment and behavior.
Your words do not sound sarcastic or superior, but are unrattled and loving. You must feel detached from whatever emotion you think she’s trying to provoke and stay true to yourself.
You have a plan for the day and for yourself. This plan does not include arguing with your wife or reacting to her moods. You love her without condition and you don’t retaliate with hurt feelings. You are totally comfortable doing your best to support her while feeling free to let her know where you stand on her behavior toward you.
You want her loving company and all of her feminine gifts. But, you don’t need them.
She will begin to see the pattern in your behavior and the respect you expect of and for yourself. She will realize that those kinds of attacks have no effect on you or your mood or commitment to her.
She will probably be outwardly irritated with you for a while, but inwardly grateful for your consistent and predictable energy. This steady, masculine energy from you will help her feel safer to speak with you more respectfully and lovingly.
She will begin changing her own words and energy from rejection to acceptance. Treat her as totally capable of giving you that kind of love – because she is!
This Won’t Work if You Have Been a “Putz”
Many women will read this and say out loud, “Bullshit. What if he really HAS been lazy, disorganized, and unhelpful!”
And they would be right. Your woman has a right to expect more if you’ve been under delivering. Trying to follow my advice here is insane if you truly need to step up in very basic ways.
You cannot disarm her power of rejection and retain her respect if your behavior has been sub-par.
Simply improving THAT is sometimes all it takes to change the energy in a relationship. And sometimes a man will do some serious improvements and still find himself on the receiving end her constant rejection.
The time it takes to see a major change in her respect, acceptance, and affection will be commensurate with how long you’ve taken to step up and take more initiative in the relationship.
It doesn’t matter. This is the road you want to take and it’s the only road to reaching the goals you have for your relationship. You owe it to yourself and to her.
Be steady. Be consistent. Be detached from outcomes.
Have faith that you really will reap what you sow – because you will. It’s just how it works.
I specialize in helping you know what to sow and how to sow. Contact me today for an amazing free call which may open your eyes to how fun and easy the process is.
Really. It’s a blast to finally get on the right track and stop having your emotions yanked around.
You can trust me to hear you, understand you, guide you, and NOT judge you.
Do have a friend like that in your life at this moment?