Become The Kind of Man Who Can Save His Marriage

It’s funny how divorce opens your eyes to things you never realized when you were married.

I know this won’t apply to all men struggling in marriage. But it applies to nearly 100% of the men who contact me for help. And it applied to me when I was in their shoes.

We’re guys who thought everything was going along pretty well – not great – but okay. We thought the problems, arguments, silent treatments and ice cold bedrooms were things every normal marriage endured.

And we thought we would still have the life-long commitment and certainty of the promises made on our wedding day. Even knowing full well that our marriage had a 50/50 shot at permanence from the start, we assumed we were in the other half.

Until now. Now we’re caught with our pants down and not in a good way.

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She’s not happy and we’ve gotten a glimpse of how bad this could turn out if we don’t turn something around fast.

Panic strikes. Urgency fills every waking moment. We pull out all the stops to slow down the train of despair.

This is when we start screwing up worse and we pick all the wrong things to do.

Here are 3 secrets (I’ve got dozens for you) which can help you not screw up.

These became crystal clear for me after my divorce. Yeah, bad timing, but sometimes it’s the only way we learn. I hope they will serve you now.

Good news. I found out they are incredibly useful even after divorce.

Other articles you may find helpful:

My Wife Wants Space What Now?
6 Steps For A More Affectionate Marriage

Secret #1: You will instantly improve your relationship by giving much less of a f*ck than you do now.

Yes. You must care less – not more. The problem here is that you’ve been giving way too much of a f*ck about everything lately.

You’re worried about what she says, how she says it, her tone, her facial expression and her word choice. You’re wondering where she is, who she is texting and why she changed her Facebook photo.

You’re asking her too many questions and insisting on longer and longer heavy conversations.

You’re giving too much of a f*ck what she thinks about you.

You wake up every day to see if you are going to have a good day or a bad day based on the only gauge you can see on your “dashboard” of well-being. It’s a solitary gauge with her face on it.

The gauge measures either empty or full. You’re either happy or not happy.

She loves me or loves me not. She’s talking to me or not. She touches me or not. She kisses me or not. And she’s giving me sex or not.

At this point you have to just stop giving a f*ck. Everything you’re doing isn’t helping her and it’s certainly not helping you. Your confidence, emotional strength and ability to see clearly will plummet if you don’t stop.

In most cases, she is simply spreading her wings, making a plea for space, a little freedom and fun. It’s a test of your ability to give her some independence without having a meltdown.

The only way to pass the test is to not give a f*ck. Spread your own wings. Start playing more. Find things that light you up and make you laugh. Just like you did before she met you.

No more interrogations of her and every little thing she does.

Yep, this is extremely difficult, I know. It’s the only way and it’s the very best gift you can give to yourself and your own mojo.

It’s also the only man she may be able to respect, connect with and desire again.

Secret #2: You can be a whole lot better in bed than you are right now.

I realize you may not be having much sex right now. It doesn’t matter.

The truth is that you’ve been slacking off in the sex department which led you both into a rut. A boring routine with no variety and no stamina. Unsatisfying and mostly obligatory.

Now is the time to recharge your sexual energy and value. There are countless books, seminars, podcasts and videos to help you.

Divorced guys do this all the time. We start learning more about anatomy, physiology, psychology and biology. We learn about “27 Ways to Give Her Incredible Oral Sex”. (I bet you tried to click that, didn’t you?) We start working out and buying clothes that actually fit. We begin talking to women more confidently than ever before – even when we were married.

And the sex is amazing. You’re saying and doing things you’ve never said or done before. Your stamina goes through the roof. You feel like your sexual worth – your gift of physical intimacy – has more power and value than ever before. You’ve got your mojo back.

The secret here is to not wait until you’re divorced to make this a major area of improvement in your life. Assuming your sex life resumes you will be prepared to start a new chapter with her.

You can start this process tonight. And you should. Do it for yourself first.

Other articles you may find helpful:

The Quickest Way To Stop Hating Your Marriage
Still Chasing Affection and Connection From Your Uninterested Wife?

Secret #3: Divorce is much less scary than you’re thinking it is right now.

This is almost as hard to get through your head as Secret #1. It’s natural for you to feel afraid right now.

Uncertainty. Failure. Shared custody. Finances. Dating again. The dog.

These fears create a “mind movie” that wakes you up around 4am every morning in a cold sweat.

It’s these fears that make it hard to not give a f*ck. And like I said, if you can’t find your way to ratchet down your give-a-f*ck index, things will get only worse. The knot in your gut will never go away.

Being gripped in fear about divorce will cripple your ability to respond in healthy ways. You need to get your emotions and your reactions under control. You need more clarity and emotional strength to respond to the stress in ways that increase your self-respect.

You also will need the fortitude to develop some empathy for your wife. Yes, empathy. It’s the only thing that will help you understand that every single thing she does is not about you. You’re not a horrible man and she’s not a horrible woman.

Human beings have baggage and you are now witnessing some of hers. Empathy will set you free.

Here’s the truth about divorce.

The actual process and aftermath of divorce isn’t all that bad. I see way too many men figuring this out in their first year after divorce and realizing they over-dramatized the trauma of splitting up.

They are living larger, bolder and more confidently than they ever imagined.

I realize that your fears also are tied up in your marriage values, religious commitments and the impact of divorce on your children. Those are real and they are scary.

What I’m trying to tell you is that by allowing an irrational, numbing sense of fear take over, you will continue screwing up.

Fear makes you desperate and needy. It makes you complain, argue and throw fits.

Fear makes you feel like crap about yourself.

Fear severely lowers any possibility you have to become the kind of man who just might save his marriage.

You must calmly come to terms with the possibility of divorce so you have the strength and focus to work on the one thing that matters more than saving your marriage at this point.

That’s saving yourself first.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo: Seth Lemmons/Flickr

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.