I was at a men’s seminar a few years ago with Alex Allman and Sean Stephenson. These are two very confident masculine men. Alex looks like a typical 6 foot, handsome, ladies man.
Sean is about 3 feet tall and is confined to a wheel chair with brittle bone disease he’s had since birth.
There was a guy in the audience who was getting frustrated and asked the question that most of us have thought about but never asked.
“Why is it so hard to connect with a woman and feel appreciated and get the affection and passion we want in a relationship?”
Sean rolled his wheel chair across the front of the room as he paused to prepare his answer. Then he faced his chair right at the man with the question and calmly said, “Because you’re not yet the kind of man who gets those things.”
Sonofabitch…that kind of hurt…and I wasn’t even the one who asked. And how did THIS guy get to be such a bad ass with an amazing life and marriage??
Sean went on over the next hour to explain what he knows about men, women, masculinity, self-confidence, sexual polarity and why it seems so hard to get what we want.
The bottom line to his answer was this.
You’ll get what you want when you learn how to be a calm, confident, deliberate and pleased man. It’s only that man who can CREATE what he wants instead of wishing for what he wants.
I get a lot of emails from men wanting to know what they need to DO in order to turn around their marriage. They want to reconnect with their wife or girlfriend. They want to “save their marriage”.
The reason it is so difficult for most men to do this is because they are not yet ready. They just want to DO something – anything – because they don’t know how to BE. Little do they know that they need to DO less than they ever thought.
They lack the mental and emotional “fitness”, the clarity and calm confidence they require to say what must be said – to think the thoughts that create confidence – to be an unapologetically passionate man who fully intends to create what he wants.
In this video I talk more about the type of fitness I’m referring to and why it’s so important for you to make this your TOP PRIORITY now.
We get a lot of questions from guys wanting to know how to “save my relationship”, “save my marriage”, “win her heart back” or “make her love me again”.
When you’re in the middle of losing the relationship you thought was always going to be a part of your life, it’s understandable that you’re on a mission to find the secret that’s going to save it from disintegrating.
I want you to think about guys who handle this kind of pressure for a living…firefighters, policemen, first responders, search and rescue professionals…these people are highly trained and have developed a certain skillset, a certain mindset and a certain fitness about them that makes them really good at what they do.
The parallel here that I want to make for you is, if you’re trying to save a relationship or improve a marriage or win her heart back, you’re going to have to be more like a search and rescue person.
You’re going to have to learn about fitness, about the kind of person who is able to rescue people, about the mental mindset they need to have. You’re going to have a clear plan. Those guys always have a plan that they’re going to execute when they get to the situation they’re dealing with.
They have a confidence about themselves and about their ability, both mental and physical, and most importantly, they have a calmness about them.
They’re always the calmest person in the situation. They’re calm, relaxed, clear, fit and they have a plan.
So how does this apply to you?
If you’re trying to rescue a relationship, rescue a marriage, win your wife’s heart back or make her like you again, you’re going to have to be fit, you’re going to have to have your mojo.
When we’re talking about fitness in this kind of scenario, we’re talking about mojo fitness (confidence in yourself), we’re talking about mental fitness.
When you’re struggling, trying to get a relationship to improve, getting her to like you, pay attention to you, get more affection, more connection, more of anything. You tend to be nervous. You tend to be insecure. You tend to be sad. You tend to be angry and frustrated.
You’re confused, you don’t have a clear plan, you don’t have a sense of confidence about who you are, what you believe and where you stand.
You don’t know any of these things, and when you don’t have those things, you don’t feel confident, and you definitely don’t feel calm.
You can’t rescue anyone or anything when you’re not calm.
So if you want to rescue a relationship, if you want to win somebody’s heart back, if you want to save your marriage, you’re going to have to learn to be more fit.
It’s a bit like the analogy on the airplane where they say you must put the oxygen mask on yourself first and THEN you can put it on your children.
You have to take the lead.
You have to set the tone.
So much of what we do in our coaching programs and our retreats and all our content, is talk about, how do you become the kind of man who, not only saves relationships and makes women like him, but how do you become the kind of man who actually likes himself?
Where you have a sense of fitness about your mental and emotional security, a sense of self-reliance, an ability to self-source your feelings of wellbeing and happiness about yourself. You have a feeling of confidence about yourself and you have a plan for your life besides just your relationship.
What this does is create a sense of calmness.
We call it a mountain lion sense of calmness, where you don’t overreact to anything. Where you don’t have to rush into doing anything today because you’ve adopted a way of being.
The firefighters and search and rescue guys have a way of being when they show up on the scene. They’ve already done the training. They know who they are. They know the equipment. They have the right mental mindset and fitness. They know they’re confident and they know they have a plan and they know that they’re calm.
That’s what I want for you too!
I want you to want that FIRST, before you have any impact on anybody else, change anybody’s mind about you, save your marriage, or get any kind of certainty in the relationship you have. I want you to feel a sense of confidence, clarity and certainty IN YOURSELF.
That’s what this work is all about.
That’s the guy who creates amazing relationships.
I was talking to a man the other day who did this work and he said, “You know, I’ve pretty much got the marriage back on track.”
So I said, “Doesn’t that feel great?”
And he said, “Yeah, we’ve been closer and getting along better than we ever have before, it’s amazing.”
So I said “Wow, that’s great!”
And he said, “You know what though…so what!”
I said, “What do you mean, so what?”
And he said “I need to remember that I can’t focus on whether I’m having a good day with her as being the measure of my success. Yes I did the work. I got fit, I got confident, I got calm, and yes, we’re having better days now than we’ve ever had before.”
But he had to remember that he can’t use that as the barometer for how well he’s doing.
Just because she decided to stay married, just because she’s talking to him kindly, just because they’re having sex again…actually doesn’t mean anything. That’s not the measure of his success.
What he’s telling me is, so what, there may be a crappy day tomorrow, there may be a good one the next day. It doesn’t matter. He stopped using that as a measure for his life.
That’s what I want you to know about this work. When you do it, you’re doing it FOR YOU, not to achieve a certain outcome. You’re not looking for results that other people have control of. You’re taking control of yourself, your mojo, your fitness, your mindset, your emotional security, your confidence and your calmness.
Just like firefighters, cops and search and rescue experts, we need to do the work.
We need to prepare our bodies and minds like they do. We need to have a plan, be clear about what role we play, understand what might go wrong and continuously work to be the best we can be.
We need to put on our own oxygen mask and do our own work before trying to charge into the room and demand change from the people in our lives.
That super calm, secure, clear, confident feeling you want is readily available to you. Those are already inside you.
She can NOT give those to you.
This is why you must make yourself your top priority…now.
If you want to change your energy and start waking up enthusiastic to experience what the next day / week / year / 20 years has in stall for you, we would love to help you get clear on what next decision or action you need to take to start CREATING the life that you want.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
Books, articles and videos are great but to really make quick progress and get to a point where you’re consistently calm, confident and enthusiastic about life again you need other men who understand what you’re going through and who will challenge you to make the changes that you need to make. This is the truth that I want you to LEARN – this is the thing I had to learn first before I could grow in this way – you need other men to do this work!! Why do you think indigenous tribes have male only initiation ceremonies?? It’s incredibly powerful and life changing!
Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.
Come and try our coaching through our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self-realization.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Dan and I are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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