How Can I Be More Confident In My Marriage?

There’s a very special trait many of the men in our “tribe” have in common and it drives them absolutely crazy.

What is it?

It’s the feeling of LOST CONFIDENCE.

Have you ever felt this? This is what it sounds like:

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“I used to be so self-assured. Back in college and when I first met my wife I felt like I had it all figured out. Nobody could knock me off emotional balance and I felt strong. I was in control of my life and felt like I had everything I needed to stay that way. But…not anymore. My wife/girlfriend can knock me backwards with just a look and I can feel the eggshells cracking under my feet. And this sucks.”

What happened?

In my humble (but accurate) opinion these men never actually had the kind of confidence needed to be effective in a romantic relationship. They only thought they did.

This was my experience as well.

With a killer work ethic in school and solid athletic skills I quickly became a natural leader and pretty popular guy. I was curious and learned how to fix stuff and build stuff. I made friends easily because I knew how to make people like me. (that’s a red flag I talk about in the video)

Being the captain of any team I joined became my normal. My friend and colleague, Dan Dore, recently said the same thing about his experience which prompted me to write this article.

There was nothing to fear because nobody could hurt me. I had the keys to the kingdom and felt bullet-proof.

But here’s the problem.

Rock star confidence like that is sustainable only in the context of the place where you developed it. It’s in the context of where your skills and knowledge counted.

While it’s initially quite attractive, it is virtually useless in the context of a committed, romantic, sexual relationship with a woman.


Because she is much less concerned about what you know and what you can do than she is about WHO YOU ARE.

And THAT is where most of us get tripped up.

We haven’t quite figured that one out yet. And it normally takes a major emotional event to shake us up enough to see it.

More in the video about that.

YouTube video

“He who has overcome his fears will truly be free” ~ Aristotle

In coaching we talk a LOT about fear.

It’s complicated because most people think they know what their fears are. If I ask a guy who has lost his confidence in his marriage what he’s afraid of he will normally say, “I’m afraid of her reaction – afraid of making her mad.”

But that’s not what he’s really afraid of. So I ask, “Why are you afraid of making her mad.”

And he’ll say, “I hate it when we argue because whenever there is conflict she shuts down and won’t talk to me.”

But that’s not what he’s really afraid of. So I ask, “Why are you afraid of her shutting down and not talking to you?”

You already see where this is going, don’t you? I have to ask him about 5 more times WHY he is afraid before the fear behind the fear behind the fear behind the fear comes out.

“I’m afraid I will lose everything and be a complete failure as a husband which will prove that I’m neither good enough nor strong enough nor lovable enough to hold this marriage together!”

Of course that last conclusion is utter bullshit. But it’s very, very potent bullshit.

Stinkin’ thinkin’. False beliefs.

It’s the voice of the little boy.

It’s the obvious conclusion made by an insecure and immature mind…even if that mind is in the body of a 50-year-old. (I raise my hand on that one.)

No matter how confident, secure and mature we think we are, a relationship with a woman has the power to shed light on and MAGNIFY all the parts of our masculine mojo that never quite grew up.

And THIS is why Goodguys2Greatmen was born.

I first needed to heal myself.

And THEN I set out to help others. Oddly, I decided to coach what I most needed to heal. Fancy that. I’m still work in progress.

We discovered the path to true confidence and authentic “mountain lion mojo” isn’t about what we know or what we do. It’s about who we are.

You may think we do “confidence coaching” but the truth is we help men crush their stinkin’ thinking and shed their insecurity in ways that liberate them to live, laugh, love and connect with the world in ways they never thought possible.

My colleagues Dan Dore and Tim Wade and the five GG2GM certified coaches around the world are focused solely on this mission. We help you quickly shed the layers of BS which are currently covering up your natural state of cool, calm, secure confidence.

And we could not be happier you’ve decided to join this tribe of men and go on the journey with us!

Want to go farther, faster?

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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