If You're Afraid to Lose Her, You Can't Properly Love Her

Find out the fearless leap a man must take to improve your struggling relationship.

I’ve identified one very consistent indicator in men that determines the future viability of their struggling relationship.

This one thing is what keeps you from being the type of man who can reverse the negative energy and consciously create the partnership you crave.

It applies whether you’re married or in a committed relationship where you’re feeling a loss of connection, respect and/or trust.

Here is the one thing that will cause you continued frustration, anxiety and uncertainty.

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You’re afraid to lose her.

Your paralyzing, unspoken fear about losing her is keeping you from thinking clearly and fearlessly taking the actions which will create more connection, respect and trust.

It’s that underlying fear that is making you feel ashamed about your behavior and is eating away at your self-respect.

You probably have a sad story constantly replaying in your head telling you what a pathetic man you would be if you lost your wife and marriage.

You’re not alone.

This is the same story that keeps thousands of good men from “properly” loving their woman.

Other articles you may find helpful:

Is This Why Your Wife Turns You Down For Sex?
5 Steps to Being GREAT in the Sack!

Why You Are Afraid to Lose Her?
This is what men tell me and it matches my own experience.

You’re afraid of being alone.
You’re afraid of feeling rejected and replaced.
You’re afraid of the impact on your kids.
You’re afraid of feeling inadequate or like a failure.
You’re afraid of losing your identity as a husband and father.
You’re afraid of seeing her with anyone else.
You’re afraid of never loving or being loved by someone again.
You’re afraid of what family and friends will think of you.
You’re afraid because it just isn’t supposed to turn out that way!

I’ve felt all of this before in my own marriage and see it with dozens of clients.

Those nine fears are like movie trailers that keep playing in shuffle mode in your brain morning, noon and night.

And while your mind is reeling at 100% capacity processing those fears you’re avoiding the only thing that can possibly help you.

You must do some deep work to face those fears and talk to them rationally. You need room to breathe.

The only way to start making changes that will actually help your relationship is to stop the fearful thinking that got you here in the first place.

The Importance of Getting Your Mojo Back

Many men tell me of a time when they felt very clear and confident about themselves, their life and their relationship. They know what mojo feels like but now – for whatever reason – it’s gone!

You need your mojo back. A man with mojo is a man who is calm, deliberate and pleased with himself (I stole that from a great man named Sean Stephenson).

Mojo is a man who feels strong, clear and confident in himself, what he wants, what he values and what he is creating – with or without the woman standing in front of him.

I’m talking about mojo – not “macho”.

Is it normal for a man to feel fear? Hell yes!

Is it acceptable for a man to be vulnerable? Absolutely! Vulnerability is healthy, necessary and kind of hot to most women. (in limited doses)

As Brene Brown said in her book, Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

But…

If a man allows his fear and vulnerability to keep him from taking positive action, he is screwed. He’s screwed not just in this relationship, but everywhere else in his life.

Action creates change. And if nothing changes – then nothing changes.

He is screwed because living in fear without taking his own initiative puts all of the responsibility – and all of his outcomes – in the hands of others.

And when it comes to women…they hate that.

Other articles you may find helpful:

I Want My Wife To Give Me More Sex
Am I Wrong to be Jealous of My Wife’s Boyfriends?

What Does “properly love her” Mean?

It’s impossible to properly love your woman when you live in fear and cannot take action.

Why? Because she cannot properly experience the love, respect and affection you have to offer if it is all coming from a place of insecurity, fear and inaction.

Your fear and inaction is hard to respect. You appear weak.
Your fear and inaction make her feel uncertain and unsafe.
Your fear and inaction are uninspiring and unattractive.
Your fear and inaction put pressure on her that makes her move away from you and toward others.
Your fear and inaction make you focus SOLELY on what you’re not getting from her.
Your fear and inaction make you think, speak and act in whiny and needy ways.
Your fear and inaction make you look (and feel) selfish.
Your fear and inaction make it impossible for you to GIVE her your authentic, no strings attached love.
The term “properly love” means we are giving love from a place of wholeness.

It means we are giving our love from a place of security and self-confidence. We don’t need anything from her to complete us or protect us before loving her unconditionally.

Properly loving a woman (or any other human being) means that we are secure enough in ourselves that we don’t fear not getting something in return.

In the heart of a woman, proper loving doesn’t feel like a game of chess.

It feels like a fountain of unconditional appreciation and acceptance.

A Man’s Fearless Leap Toward Finding His Mojo

If you want to escape the jaws of fear and inaction, you will need to focus on a new direction and destination.

Choosing to do that takes a fearless leap of faith and non-negotiable personal resolve to create a better version of yourself.

Write a story of your future – a new end in mind – to replace the fear movies in your head. What is the 2.0 version of yourself you want to create? What would version 2.0 of your relationship look like? (seriously, write it down)

Change your mindset. “I’m a man who fearlessly creates what he wants. Fear doesn’t create me.”

You will need to spend time with other men who have already figured this out to help you understand and face the fears keeping you stuck in inaction. Men need the guidance of other initiated men to help them conquer those fears. Most of us did not grow up with one of those men in our life.

This next one will sound funny to you.

You will need to commit less to your expected relationship outcomes and more to yourself.

Invest whatever time and money it takes to strengthen your sense of confidence, value, self-reliance and purpose.

Your next step is learning to focus on becoming the kind of man who gets what he wants. This will allow you to stop defending the behavior of the man who is getting nothing he wants.

Your fear of not becoming that man must be greater than the fear of losing what you have right now.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo Jakob Zimmerman/Flickr

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.