Saving Your Marriage by Saying Nothing at All

By: Steve Horsmon

Are you a man who has ever heard these words from your wife?

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

“Just stop talking!! I can’t take it anymore!! Can’t you hear how you’re speaking to me?”

If so, perhaps this article is for you. You just might be one of those “Good Guys” who is trying to fix his marriage and his wife with words instead of actions. And she’s tired of it. And yes, I have some first hand experience with this and think I know exactly what you’re going through. And I’m sorry about that.

The issue may be that you are trying to fix a problem with words that was caused by your past behaviors and emotions. As Steven Covey wrote, “You can’t talk yourself out of a problem you behaved yourself into.”

When a marriage starts to get rocky, a guy might find himself saying things like this:

• Why are you being so irrational?

• Why can’t you discuss things like a normal person?

• Everybody has more sex than we do? Why can’t you be like xyz’s wife?

• That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard! You’re insane.

• If I do what you want to do, will you do what I want to do?

There’s a pattern I’ve noticed in lot of the Good Guys I coach. These guys are typically very sharp, technically astute, logical, literate, and results oriented types. But, they are unaware of the slow and insidious ways in which they have caused their wives to lose respect and attraction for them. Because they have not been getting their needs met, they enter into a long, painful phase of causing more bad feelings than good. These Good Guys are used to talking their way into getting what they want. It works wonders for them at work and in their social life – why not their marriage?

It doesn’t work in their marriage – or any marriage – because it is actions that form the most credible and sustainable levels of trust, respect, admiration, and attractiveness in a man. It is the feelings we create that matter most. Our abilities to talk, persuade, influence, or debate are really not useful when trying to recover a damaged relationship.

I heard this great old song today and it reminded me of a message I’m constantly trying to get across to men. Keith Whitley wrote it in the 1980’s. It captures a notion that millions of women desire for their relationships. Most men think it’s a fairy tale. But most women crave these feelings and they will never tell you they need them or expect them from you.

save your marriage by not talking

“It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart.

Without saying a word you light up the dark.

Try as I may I can never explain.

What I hear when you don’t say a thing.

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.

There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me.

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall.

Yeah, you say it best …when you saying nothing at all.”

You might say, “Okay. I want to save my marriage and you’re telling me WHAT?! You’re telling me not to communicate? No compromising? No negotiating? No explaining? No finding our common ground and working together?”

That’s exactly what I mean. Just shut up for a change. Why?

Because you got where you are for some important reasons.

One reason is the types of words and tone you choose when you speak to her.

But the REAL biggie is your consistent “energy” of bargaining, compromising, judging, demanding, controlling or expecting in order to get your needs met.

It’s funny – we don’t hear a lot of songs about women who crave those unspoken motives.

Some “Good Guys” screw this up ALL THE TIME! They are SO focused on pleasing their wife and doing things to earn her respect and affection they wind up at the table of “talking”, “negotiating” and “compromising” to see if they might get a morsel of what they need.

Other “Good Guys” think they have done all they need to do to “deserve” some respect and affection and resort to tactics of demands, control, and ultimatums. They will resort to clever verbal and emotional attacks to hopefully “guilt her” into submission.

And their wives see RIGHT THROUGH IT…every time. And guess what?

It is the most unappealing, unattractive, spineless, sexless energy a man can give off.

Wives find it exhausting and exasperating. They do not know why their men don’t get it and will not just shut up already. This is the story of a lot of “Good Guys”. They don’t know how to create the environment women need to feel safe, respected, and SEXY. They don’t know how to reset their ENERGY in ways that their wife can FEEL the depth of their appreciation, respect, and DESIRE for her. This is an energy of WANTING her – not NEEDING her.

This is ALSO an energy of ACCEPTING her that comes from a place of love and your personal values for a healthy relationship with MUTUAL appreciation, respect, and desire. This is important! This is not a one-way street. It is not “all up to you”. She has changes to make too. No doubt. In most cases, she is only waiting for you to lead the way and make it safe for her. By changing your energy, you finally give her a chance to demonstrate that she has her own values and high expectations for a rewarding relationship and is happy to be your equal partner in the process.

“Good Guys” can be so preoccupied with “fixing” their wife or saying and doing everything right to get emotional validation and sexual rewards they refuse to believe that their tired old formula has NEVER really worked.

So what do they do? They try even harder. Maybe if they have one more discussion, one more clever insult, one more clearly worded logical argument, or even one more total house clean while she’s away….

Yes! That might convince her to connect. To touch. To appreciate. To finally “allow” sex to happen.

I get a lot of “flack” for telling men that their wives have “super-natural” abilities to sense their intentions. Of course, this is never meant to tell a guy he doesn’t need to communicate. The metaphor is useful because the “Good Guy” I described above has NO CLUE that his true self-serving and critical intentions are transparent to her.

The intensity of the hurtful insult or critical tone can be compared to a how HE would feel if a woman made a critical observation of his penis size. Seriously. That is exactly how intensely a woman can FEEL a man’s negative, disapproving energy.

She will almost NEVER come out and tell you how she really feels.

Why?

Because she is both confused and astonished.

She’s unsure how to tell you exactly what she needs from you especially when you seem so hell bent to keep doing it your way. What she needs is so far from what you’re doing, it’s almost hurtful to tell you how badly you’re doing.

She’s astonished that you don’t know this. Now granted, she probably has no good reason to be astonished.

She’s probably done a piss poor job of communicating her needs to you. She may have some emotional baggage. She’s not comfortable talking about it. She may suck at managing conflict and would rather just avoid you. And your father probably didn’t do a thing to clear up stuff like this for you when you were growing up. You almost don’t stand a chance.

Almost.

Yes, I know it very well – first hand. I was lucky enough to learn the lessons from the ranks of the thousands of “Great Men” out there. Finally learning the cause and cure of this condition is how Great Men get back on track. It’s how they become secure, confident, and happy to be “work in progress” – but finally on the right trail.

Dr. Robert Glover’s book, No More Mr. Nice Guy does an artful job of explaining this “condition” in much greater detail. It’s part of my recommended reading for “Good Guys” trying to save their marriage.

My mission is to help YOU (or your husband) get on this trail and stay on this trail. It will be the MOST REWARDING ride a man will take in his lifetime – first for himself, then for her, and then for his marriage!

My clients have told me that they get SO MUCH VALUE from our FREE DISCOVERY CALL that their relationship improved a little that same week!

It’s okay if you don’t choose me as your coach. I want to help you anyway. At least take the important FIRST STEP of talking to another man who gets you. CALL ME or EMAIL me to see what you are missing. You have nothing to lose.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here