How to Create More Affection, More Touch and More Sex in Your Marriage

I believe how well we push our sexual edge is a direct reflection of how well we are living our life.

What’s a sexual edge?

It’s that part of our sensual and sexual nature where we feel the most alive, driven and creative. We know we’re on the edge when we feel inspired – not anxious. We’re pulsing with intense desire and ambition. We feel focused and directed with no patience for distractions.

A man who is living powerfully and unapologetically on his sexual edge is proactively ‘penetrating’ all aspects of his life with clarity and intention.

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He is a man of DESIRE. Not just desire for sex but desire for the intensity of a life well lived.

As David Deida describes in The Way of the Superior Man, our sexual edge serves much more than just sex. We must learn to push our sexual edge so we can consciously circulate the energy throughout our body…and our life.

“If you are like most men, sexual energy tends to go directly to one of two places. Either your head becomes stimulated and you fantasize about being with a woman who turns you on, or your genitals become stimulated in lustful need. Your head and genitals, however, are just the north and south poles of the whole body. A superior man circulates the energy of arousal throughout his body, taking particular care not to let it stagnate in swollen fantasies or appendages.”

If you feel like you’ve been losing your sexual edge it’s absolutely critical you learn how to get it back.

I know how it feels to lose the edge.

I felt tired, lazy, unfocused and unsettled. I was quick to anger, blame and resentment. I would feel like I was settling for a life I didn’t really want to live but was too distracted to focus on living better.

Too much TV. Too much porn. Too much masturbation. Too much drinking. And no connection with anyone who was living differently.

No inspiration.

I woke up each day accepting whatever my relationship, my job and the world had to offer me.

I had no clue that it was entirely possible for me to offer something totally different without needing permission to do so.

In other words, I could happen to the world instead of waiting for it to happen to me.

That’s when I started turning my sexual edge toward personal development and learning how to consciously create new circumstances for myself. And that’s when everything got better.

I got more clarity, more confidence, more money, more depth in my relationships, more intimacy and more sex.

“More of everything!”, I like to say,

My mission now is to teach you how to push your edge and get the same results.

Whether you’re single, dating, married or divorced you’re probably not pushing your edge as hard as you need to.

You may be playing a little small and trying not to rock the boat.

You may be afraid of the reactions of others if you step up your game. You may be worried what they will think if you start talking about the things you want. And you might ask “Who the hell am I at this point to be so bold as to voice my desires and start creating what I want?”

You’re YOU, that’s who. You deserve to live the life you want. And, trust me, there are people in your life who would be thrilled to see you go for it.

And remember, you’ve only got one chance. This ain’t no dress rehearsal.

The way that a man is living the sex and romance part of his life, is really a metaphor for how he’s living the rest of his life. So here’s a video about pushing your edge:

YouTube video

I want to talk about edginess because I want to talk about what it feels like to get butterflies in your stomach of excitement and fear and a bit of trepidation. Knowing that you’re pushing an envelope that you wouldn’t normally push.

When I talk to guys who are not pushing their edge in the sex and romance department, they tell me things like: “well she’s not in the mood anymore”, “she says she doesn’t need sex”, “she’s really not a very sexual woman”, “we’re kinda reaching that phase, I guess, where everyone has less intimacy, less affection, less sex”.

And they also tell me that they’re not pushing it as hard at work either. They just kind of show up. They know they’re worth more, they could make more and that they don’t like the job they’re in.

They also aren’t as bold with their friends. They’re not setting up as many adventures as they used to.

And to me this all starts with their edginess in their sexuality.

I’m not saying you have to be a sexual rock star to have a good life, but what I am sayng is that when a man is starting to say that he’s losing his edge in the sex and romance department of his marriage or long term relationship, it means that he’s losing confidence in himself. He’s losing confidence in his own value.

So what does edginess look like?

If you were more edgy in your marriage or your long term relationship, when it came to sex and romance; you would be less apologetic. You would feel less shame about the fact that you’re still a young, virile, hot blooded man who enjoys affection, intimacy, touch, romance, kissing, hugging AND GOOD SEX!

You wouldn’t be afraid to say that out loud.

Yet we still make excuses for her.

“Well, you know, she’s not feeling well”

“She’s got the kids all the time”

“You know, her parents are in town”

We tend to make excuses for other people’s impact that they have on our lives.

We tend to allow another person’s mood to affect us, but these are often moods that we’ve projected on them. We often project on women that they’re in a bad mood or unhealthy or not sexual, and we accept that, as the truth.

And then we dumb down our own expectations and our own sexual energy.

We loose our edge.

So what does it look like if you are edgy? What does it look like if you’re an unapologetically sexual man?

You say things you don’t normally say.

You might say “You know what…I’m really horny today” or “I feel like having sex with you” or “You turn me on” or “I find you incredibly attractive”.

You might say something dirty (I’m not going into dirty talk in this video although I do have one on that here).

A man who’s lost his sexual edge, doesn’t even use the word sex. S E X. He doesn’t use the word because he know it makes her feel a little pressure and makes her uncomfortable. And so he loses his edge. He dummies down or waters down his own sexuality in an effort to keep the peace and not rock the boat. To try to please other people.

So I want to encourage you to NOT lose your sexual edge. There is a way that you can be sexual and unapologetically attractive without being a jerk, without being an asshole. You can do that.

But, the decision to play small in the sex and romance department is a decision to also play small in other areas of your life. And there are some signs that I can give you to watch out for.

Remember…when I give you advice, or give you my opinion, you should know that I’m coaching a younger version of myself. Anything I tell you, I tell myself and that’s because I’ve been through this too.

When I tell you to ‘Stop with the porn’, ‘Stop with the masturbation’, ‘Stop with the isolation’, ‘Stop feeling like your life is crumbling and you’re not in charge anymore’ – even today I’m still talking to myself.

Why do I do this? Because coaches who do what I do, are actually trying to heal a part of themselves that isn’t fixed yet.

I’ve come a long way and I’ve helped a lot of men come a long way, but we’re not there yet. We need continual reinforcement, continuous support, continuous encouragement – to push our edge. To call each other out on our bullshit.

So today I’m calling us all out on losing our sexual edge.

Coming from a place of fear and shame or inadequacy or self-doubt.

It’s also showing up everywhere else in your life. You’ll see it if you look hard enough, I guarantee it.

We have a special retreat coming up which is designed for this very topic. It’s designed to help you push your edge.

We created this retreat to help you learn the difference between, taking a ride on top of a horse and taking the horse for a ride. It’s the difference between the world happening to you and you happening to the world.

It’s about leadership.

It’s about intentional, conscious, deliberate leadership of where you’re going and what you want and expressing yourself in ways that are edgy and scary and unapologetic.

This is the way a man creates the life that he wants.

This much I know.

So when I invite you to this ranch retreat that we have coming up, I know it could sound salesy that I’m pushing you to come and spend money at this retreat.

It’s like putting a price up at the gas pump. It’s salesy.

If you need gas, you need gas right?

At this phase in life, if you’re in your late 30s mid 40s or even your 50s like I am, your tank is running dry and you need gas!

Where do you get fuel? Where do you get the fuel you need, to propel your life further? Because we’ve still got two or three more decades to go.

The answer is, you get that fuel with other men.

You’re never going to get the fuel you need to find your edge from the women in your life.

They should be the object of your desire, the object of your attraction.

But they are not the source of your fuel.

They’re not the source of your ambition, your motivation and they don’t provide that sense of brotherhood and connection that you can only have with other men.

That’s why I do this.

I hold these retreats, because I believe in them.

I’m going if there’s only one guy there because I get as much out of these things as you do. I promise.

I designed these so that I love them. I design them so that I say ‘Holy crap, that looks amazing’.

That’s why I want you to come with me.

That’s why I’m being salesy – because it will be amazing!

It’s going to be three nights and four days. Private cabins by a river. Incredible ranch breakfasts…I can’t wait to get there and I can’t wait to share this story with you about learning how to push your sexual edge in a confident, non-threatening way.

I’d love to see you there – click here to read more about the retreat – we only have three spaces left.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Photo: Lera / Flickr

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Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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