Failing Marriage? How to Create a Better Relationship

I had to learn this the hard way so I want to give you a head start…

I had the best of intentions with regards to my marriage but yet when issues arose I struggled to find a solution to the problems.

We focus so much, as men, on the result that we want.

More affection, less arguing, more connection, less distance…

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

It’s easy to find faults when a relationship is running off the rails and all our training points us to fixing what’s not working. Plug the hole and she’ll right herself…right?

In this video I discuss how our approach is often all wrong and give an alternative way to communicate that removes the focus from the negative and leads toward what you want rather than what you don’t want.

YouTube video

What I’m talking about I call “make it happens vs let it happen.”

This is a minset shift that can be difficult, especially when you’re in a relationship which is struggling, where there’s tension and frustration.

Part of the reason this is a tricky shift for us men is that we always want to fix things. We’re taught from a young age how to find and solve problems, how to identify causes and implement solutions.

And we’re REALLY good at it!

We have laser focus and we’re very good at using that to concentrate the attention, effort and time needed to work out a solution.

In every area of life, that works brilliantly…except for in relationships.

In relationships, the more you focus your time, attention and energy on what’s not working, the bigger and more broken it can feel to her. It can feel like the problem IS the relationship. That the struggle is all that’s going on in the relationship.

The result of all that focusing on what’s wrong in the relationship is that there’s an increase in tension and pressure felt by both people.

In fact, when we’re the one that keeps bringing up the need to work on it or address the issues, she can often feel like it’s her that’s the problem, that it’s all her fault and that all the blame lies at her feet.

It’s not. Relationships don’t get to this point of tension without there being disconnection on both sides for a prolonged period of time.

But the natural thing that happens when there’s pressure and tension in a marriage, is for someone to back away, or to put up walls and protect our emotions. That’s where the emotionally distant wife (or husband) starts to show up. That’s when the affection and connection start to dry up.

When we approach the relationship with this mindset of finding problems and implementing solutions, we become really good at identifying what’s wrong. We’re not so good at identifying and explaining what we’d like to happen, what we want, and how we could move forward.

The good news is that when you’re able to find out what you don’t want, you can also identify what you do want.

So when you know what the problems are, you can flip that around and clearly see what you want to happen instead.

A good example of this is when a guy contacts us and says, “She’s always criticizing me, nothing I ever do is right. She’ll never be happy. I just don’t know what to do.”

What he really wants is to feel RESPECT and CONSIDERATION from his partner.

Or maybe he says “We always argue about what hasn’t been done. I don’t know why we blame each other all the time.”

What he really wants is to feel APPRECIATED, and UNDERSTOOD by his partner.

The more you spend some time thinking about what’s lacking or what’s missing from the marriage, the more wants you should be able to identify…maybe some of yours might sound like:

I want to be adored
I want her affection
I want to receive her kindness
I want to know her generosity
I want to feel her love
I want closeness and togetherness
I want us to show a unified front

So now you have a list of things you want to experience, how do you go about communicating those in a way that can move the relationship forward rather than causing more problems?

When you communicate what you don’t want, often that’s received by the other person as criticism or judgment which makes them shut down or withdraw and go into self-protection mode.

When you communicate what you do want, you’re starting to lead the relationship in a new direction, you’re moving forward, and you’re opening yourself up to CREATING something new in your life.

To help with this, it’s useful to have thought about what each thing that you want to experience provides for you.

Many of us men struggle to say what we want. We have hidden shame and guilt triggers around a lot of the things we desire.

Being able to state clearly what you want, not question or tentatively ask for her feedback, but calmly state what you want from the relationship, is a very attractive thing for a woman to experience from a man.

There’s an important understanding here which is that humans are constantly changing. What we’re feeling inside our bodies is constantly changing. What we’re thinking about is constantly in flux.

Bringing that awareness into the situation when you’re talking to someone, especially if it’s a difficult or tense conversation, enables you to empathize with them, to bring understanding and compassion for their perspective.

Underneath a lot of the problems that we have in relationships is the need to be heard. That’s it. We just want the other person to hear us. To understand us. To see from our perspective, to empathize with us.

And the reason is that we FEEL CONNECTED to them when we know that they want to understand us.

We often have a pre-conceived expectation that our partner will meet our needs exactly as we think they should but when you’re in a conversation and you expect a certain response from the other person, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

If you can let go of your attachment to the need to be responded to exactly as you expect, then you’ll find that you’re far more likely to be able to have a proactive discussion and make progress to finding a solution that works for both of you or a compromise that you’re both happy with. At the very least, you’ll be more connected which gives you a much better chance of moving things forward.

Are you reluctant to ask for what you want? Are you afraid of being viewed as demanding or needy or controlling?

Maybe you’re just used to being bottom of the pile, your needs never taken into account? Or you lack confidence and don’t believe that you deserve to get what you want…

In my case I grew up learning subtle ways to manipulate people to get what I wanted.

Contrary to popular belief, stating what you want makes life much more straightforward for her, too. It is not just self-serving, it serves everyone involved.

She knows what your needs are and why.

If she communicates her needs honestly too you can understand how your behavior has been affecting how connected she feels to you.

When everyone is tentative and not saying what they want, the outcome is always unsatisfactory for everyone.

Being direct does have some negative consequences. Those who tend to manipulate or be controlling struggle because you take away their power when you state your wants and needs.

However part of our coaching is to accept that you can only control how you show up, not how others react to you. By being honest and stating your desires, you take the lead and you start to move the relationship and your life in the direction you want to go.

With the lack of telepathic humans. In order to create the relationship you want you must say what you need; I cannot emphasize this enough.

When we don’t communicate what we want, we end up becoming resentful and in most cases your partner wants you to be happy, so why not try?

Ask for what you want and you may be surprised at how often you get it.

If you want to move from focusing on the negative all the time to a more positive relationship, we would love to help you get clear on what you want as well as the next decision or action you need to take to start CREATING the life that you want.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

Books, articles and videos are great but to really make quick progress and get to a point where you’re consistently calm, confident and enthusiastic about life again you need other men who understand what you’re going through and who will challenge you to make the changes that you need to make. This is the truth that I want you to LEARN – this is the thing I had to learn first before I could grow in this way – you need other men to do this work!! Why do you think indigenous tribes have male only initiation ceremonies?? It’s incredibly powerful and life changing!

Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Steve Horsmon or me, or in our group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.

Come and try our coaching through our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self-realization.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Steve and I are here to guide you on this mission.

If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Steve. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Leave a comment

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here