I’m Stuck In An Unhappy Marriage

I know your eyes are drawn to the Emotional Umbilical Cord graphic below and you’re thinking, “WTF?”

Look away…look away. I have a point to make.

What’s my point?

Couples spend way too much time feeding off each other’s energy.

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And it destroys their relationship and their own happiness.

In this article I will explain why you need to cut the unhealthy emotional umbilical cord connecting you to your partner.

The Emotional Umbilical Cord

A husband's emotional umbilical cord

I work exclusively with men who want to save their marriage or survive the end of it. I used to be both of these guys. And as a coach to hundreds of these men I’ve come to know some indisputable truths about male behavior in relationships.

The emotional umbilical cord syndrome is one of them.

In a course I teach with my business partner, we use the diagram below to describe a common dynamic with men in relationship to their female partners.

The leading cause of a chronically unhappy husband is his inability to disconnect from the emotional energy of his wife.

He is hard-wired to her and instantly reacts to her moods whether positive or negative. If she is on a roller coaster of emotions, so is he. If she is having a crappy day, so must he. And if she’s having a great day, he is now free to move about the cabin and have a great day too.

His overall sense of well-being, confidence and happines (aka. Mojo) swings wildly between the two extremes of “She loves me” and “She loves me not”.

It’s exhausting and aggravating for both of them.

It fuels the engines of anger and resentment.

And, oddly, this extreme level of “connectedness” serves only to disconnect them more.

What Happens if You Can’t Cut the Cord?

If you believe you have no control over your mojo, you will feel powerless.

Even worse, men tell me they feel unappreciated, under-valued, disrespected and unlovable. They not only feel guilty for not “making her happy”, they feel a sense of shame and unworthiness.

Until you cut the cord, you can’t steer your own ship. You will feel “rudderless”.

Until you cut the cord, you can’t experience the swell of pride, confidence and liberating peacefulness that comes with owning your mojo.

Until you cut the cord causing you to hopelessly flail in response to her moods, you will never have the strength or independence to authentically love her.

The Only Way to Cut the Cord

Her current level of well-being, confidence and happiness do not drive yours. I teach men that mojo is an inside job. If you are directly cabled to her emotional world you’re screwed.

The only way to cut the cord to the Femometer is to realize there are better measures of your mojo.

You need your own gauges.

You need a Mojometer.

In our How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb course we explain how a Mojometer is made up of 5 distinct areas of focus.

  • Mindset
  • Sleep
  • Exercise
  • Recreation
  • Nutrition

Picture a dashboard with those 5 gauges on it. Picture each gauge with a red zone, yellow zone and green zone.

Your goal is to keep your OWN gauges in the green zone.

Each gauge is broken down into smaller gauges of specific decisions and actions that support your goal to improve in each area.

The measurements for a confident masculine man with mojo

Guess which gauge is the hardest to control?

Yep. Mindset.

It’s so hard, in fact, that we mistakenly choose to jumper cable ourselves to someone else’s mindset. If we believe we have no control over our own thoughts, moods and happiness why not just hijack hers?

You know now that’s a bad call.

Your 7-Day Test Drive

I often give this homework assignment to prospective clients before they consider working with me.

In the next 7 days I want you to cut the cord to her emotional world. She’s a roller coaster and you are the man on the Lazy River tube holding a drink and another tube just for her. No more flailing on the roller coaster. You are good. You are just fine. You are calm. You are non-reactive. You are present, available and supportive. You have no reason to defend yourself and argue. You are emotionally inviting her to the Lazy River.

There’s an important caveat.

This assignment is not meant to get anything to “work” with her. There’s no outcome you can expect. You do this because it creates a sense of peacefulness and personal power within you. If you’re hoping for a dramatic show of approval from someone it will blow up in your face.

My inbox is full of emails from men who tell me a week later,

“Holy crap that felt good! We didn’t argue at all this weekend. It took her only 20 minutes to come back to normal when I didn’t fuel the fire. We had a great weekend!”

Results like that are a lovely icing on the cake.

But first things first. We do this because it’s who we are. It’s the man we want to be.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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