I'm Stuck In An Unhappy Marriage

I know your eyes are drawn to the Emotional Umbilical Cord graphic below and you’re thinking, “WTF?”

Look away…look away. I have a point to make.

What’s my point?

Couples spend way too much time feeding off each other’s energy.

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

And it destroys their relationship and their own happiness.

In this article I will explain why you need to cut the unhealthy emotional umbilical cord connecting you to your partner.

The Emotional Umbilical Cord

I work exclusively with men who want to save their marriage or survive the end of it. I used to be both of these guys. And as a coach to hundreds of these men I’ve come to know some indisputable truths about male behavior in relationships.

The emotional umbilical cord syndrome is one of them.

In a course I teach with my business partner, we use the diagram below to describe a common dynamic with men in relationship to their female partners.

The leading cause of a chronically unhappy husband is his inability to disconnect from the emotional energy of his wife.

He is hard-wired to her and instantly reacts to her moods whether positive or negative. If she is on a roller coaster of emotions, so is he. If she is having a crappy day, so must he. And if she’s having a great day, he is now free to move about the cabin and have a great day too.

His overall sense of well-being, confidence and happines (aka. Mojo) swings wildly between the two extremes of “She loves me” and “She loves me not”.

It’s exhausting and aggravating for both of them.

It fuels the engines of anger and resentment.

Other articles you may find helpful:

She Can’t Trust You When You Criticize Her
Sexual Attraction And How You (Subconsciously) Push Her Away

And, oddly, this extreme level of “connectedness” serves only to disconnect them more.

What Happens if You Can’t Cut the Cord?

If you believe you have no control over your mojo, you will feel powerless.

Even worse, men tell me they feel unappreciated, under-valued, disrespected and unlovable. They not only feel guilty for not “making her happy”, they feel a sense of shame and unworthiness.

Until you cut the cord, you can’t steer your own ship. You will feel “rudderless”.

Until you cut the cord, you can’t experience the swell of pride, confidence and liberating peacefulness that comes with owning your mojo.

Until you cut the cord causing you to hopelessly flail in response to her moods, you will never have the strength or independence to authentically love her.

The Only Way to Cut the Cord

Her current level of well-being, confidence and happiness do not drive yours. I teach men that mojo is an inside job. If you are directly cabled to her emotional world you’re screwed.

The only way to cut the cord to the Femometer is to realize there are better measures of your mojo.

You need your own gauges.

You need a Mojometer.

In our How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb course we explain how a Mojometer is made up of 5 distinct areas of focus.

Mindset
Sleep
Exercise
Recreation
Nutrition

Picture a dashboard with those 5 gauges on it. Picture each gauge with a red zone, yellow zone and green zone.

Your goal is to keep your OWN gauges in the green zone.

Each gauge is broken down into smaller gauges of specific decisions and actions that support your goal to improve in each area.

Guess which gauge is the hardest to control?

Yep. Mindset.

It’s so hard, in fact, that we mistakenly choose to jumper cable ourselves to someone else’s mindset. If we believe we have no control over our own thoughts, moods and happiness why not just hijack hers?

You know now that’s a bad call.

Other articles you may find helpful:

Why Chasing Sex Always Gets LESS Sex – See Our Video
Stalled Marriage To The Ride Of Her Life…

Your 7-Day Test Drive

I often give this homework assignment to prospective clients before they consider working with me.

In the next 7 days I want you to cut the cord to her emotional world. She’s a roller coaster and you are the man on the Lazy River tube holding a drink and another tube just for her. No more flailing on the roller coaster. You are good. You are just fine. You are calm. You are non-reactive. You are present, available and supportive. You have no reason to defend yourself and argue. You are emotionally inviting her to the Lazy River.

There’s an important caveat.

This assignment is not meant to get anything to “work” with her. There’s no outcome you can expect. You do this because it creates a sense of peacefulness and personal power within you. If you’re hoping for a dramatic show of approval from someone it will blow up in your face.

My inbox is full of emails from men who tell me a week later,

“Holy crap that felt good! We didn’t argue at all this weekend. It took her only 20 minutes to come back to normal when I didn’t fuel the fire. We had a great weekend!”

Results like that are a lovely icing on the cake.

But first things first. We do this because it’s who we are. It’s the man we want to be.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

See Full Bio

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.