Stupid arguments will kill your mojo and your relationship – it’s a fact.
One thing I became good at during 28 years of marriage was arguing badly.
I have a PhD in things that don’t work.
They say Thomas Edison once claimed, “I never had an experiment fail. I know 10,000 things that don’t work!”
I wish I could be so glib about all of my failed experiments when it came to getting into arguments.
Some arguments are really important. There are disagreements and conversations about important things where both sides need to be heard and understood.
I’m not talking about those.
I’m talking about arguments about stupid shit. I mean those little things that just don’t matter and should never cause the depth of negativity, contempt and hurt they do.
You know exactly which topics I’m talking about.
- How to properly clean a kitchen
- How to properly load a dishwasher
- Which brand of ketchup to buy
- Why someone spent $8 on something…anything
- What that last agitated look was for…etc.
You can probably think of thousands of stupid conversations that you’ve gotten into that have flared up into personal attacks, bad feelings, negative reactions and restless nights of little or no sleep.
If you’re trying to save a marriage or trying to rekindle passion, intimacy and affection, this is one skill you have to have. You have to learn how to stop having arguments about stupid shit.
Why is this important?
One reason is that when we get baited into that little boy mode of ours about how to properly drive, how to park, how to clean a dish, how to do the laundry – any of those stupid arguments that we get drawn into – we look foolish.
Not only do we look foolish, inside our own bodies as we’re doing it, we hear ourselves and we know that we look foolish, we feel foolish, we feel like a little boy and we wish that we never went down this road or had this discussion.
Another reason is that when you start getting into arguments about stupid shit, it means you are taking everything personally.
When a man is taking things personally, when everything that is a criticism, an insult, a comment or a complaint feels like it’s a personal attack on him because he’s got something going on inside that makes him think he’s stupid – he made a mistake – he is wrong – or he’s not good enough.
One thing we do in our coaching, our retreats and courses, is to help you understand your value.
Not everything that someone says to you in an argument is true. It’s just emotions.
So what we help you to do, is to handle the finer points of female emotion and knowing when not to take the bait to get into pointless conversations about stupid shit.
This helps you to feel stronger, to feel more deliberate, to feel calmer. You’re not rising above her in superiority, you’re not being condescending or dismissive. That’s not what we’re about.
It’s about being aware that in your own body you’re noticing that you’re about to have a stupid conversation about stupid shit and knowing that there are very masculine ways that you can respond during these times rather than reacting in the ways you have been.
There are two ways of handling these arguments that will immediately cause even more harm than the argument itself.
- Build an iron clad case of logic and historical evidence to prove that you are right and she is not only wrong, she’s most likely crazy and irresponsible. If it happens at 8pm, try to drag out your defense until 10pm with a disgusted look on your face.
- Go totally silent. Stew in your anger and assume she is making a personal attack on your manhood and quite possibly your penis size. Disappear for the evening and have an exhaustive conversation in your head where you have all the “perfect comebacks”. Go to bed mad and ignore her.
I’m allowed to call you out on this stuff because…remember…I’ve earned a PhD in this stuff.
Both of those options have a 100% success rate in making matters worse, creating more distance, less attraction, less trust and less respect.
Both options also have a 100% success rate in making you feel horrible, giving you a knot in your gut, causing a loss of sleep and making you wish you could have a “do-over.”
Part of our coaching helps men have their “do-over”.
This is a powerful exercise of imagining yourself in a much more confident skin.
When you have your “do-over” from a clear, confident, calm place you are RESPONDING instead of REACTING.
You feel proud of who you are being and the situational awareness you have. It’s like watching it in slow motion. You don’t feel threatened.
You’re more curious and amused with yourself for almost taking the bait and implementing one of those bad options.
You breathe more deeply. You relax.
HOW do you do this?
It’s not a “how” question. It’s not about technique or tactics.
It’s a “why” question. It’s about principles and values.
Why does one man respond and another man react?
Because the man who responds has a totally different perspective.
It’s liberating. It’s the best form of freedom…emotional freedom.
Is this something you want? Do you want to feel more relaxed and confident?
This is what we do for men – one man at a time – with our 90-Day Masculine Confidence Intensive.
Dan Dore (my associate coach in the UK) and I are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become calmer and more deliberate in creating the relationship you want, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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