The Secret to Showing Her it's Safe to Come Back to Your Marriage

What does your wife know that YOU know? Find out how this powerful concept builds trust and safety for her.

The crowd laughed nervously as they watched a demonstration that would likely end in death.

One of the world’s most revered and accomplished horse communicators (aka Horse Whisperer), Marty Marten, was showing them how to get a young, frightened, aggressive mare into a trailer. It was a narrow, two-horse, straight loading “shotgun” trailer ” the worst possible option for this demonstration.

It was certain Marty would fail and possibly die in the process.

Having seen Marty teach men and women his secrets over the years, I gave him at least 50-50 odds.

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Running and pulling frantically at the end of the rope, the mare’s eye’s bulged with fear and mistrust. But Marty was unaffected. His gentle voice and soft hands guided her through a number of small requests designed to help her relax and trust him. As her eyes softened Marty guided her toward the trailer and invited her to put just one foot inside. The crowd gasped as she suddenly BLEW UP and ran away again throwing a kick at Marty’s head. Breathing heavily she glared at him with defiant eyes.

She was beginning to sweat. It was only five minutes into the demonstration and the crowd had doubts. Some decided to leave. They had already given up on the impossible.

Marty continued his calm, deliberate approach over and over. He smiled at the mare and spoke gently. He responded to her every reaction with purposeful intent. Marty seemed to know something that nobody in the crowd knew.

At the 20 minute mark, an eternity for most people, something amazing happened. The mare put one foot in the trailer. Then one foot out. Then two feet in. And two feet out. Marty continued allowing her to learn at her own pace that she could enter and leave the trailer. She was safe. She became relaxed.

The crowd, now half its original size, erupted in applause when Marty stood inside the trailer with the happy mare softly stroking her neck.

She had found safety and relaxation. She found it in the trailer with Marty and she was happy to be there.

A woman in the crowd yelled out her burning question.

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“Marty, HOW in the world did you do that!? Nobody thought that horse was going in that trailer.”

In his typical “less is more” style, Marty answered, “There are two reasons she went into the trailer. First, I knew beyond any doubt in my mind that she would go in. Second, she knew that I knew that.”

The woman beamed and nodded as if she instantly knew what he meant.

He continued, “I know how much I respect and admire her. I know why she is unsure and distrustful. I know how her fear feels. I know how she was abused a year ago. And I know how she needs me to treat her in order to relax and trust me. All I needed to do was provide her what she needed and she would go in the trailer on her own ” on her terms. She knew that I knew she would be safe and happy in the trailer.”

Another man said, “I can’t believe you did it in only 20 minutes.”

Marty replied, “And yet half of the crowd has left. When you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s easy to get impatient and give up.”

I had a men’s retreat at my little ranch recently and a man made an observation during my “empathy demonstration” with Chief, my 24 year old Appaloosa. This video will give you an idea of what I mean.

He said, “You know sometimes I’m the one who feels like the horse. Some days I’m scared. I want to be understood. I want my wife to calmly reassure me and help me relax. I want to know that SHE knows we’re okay and that I’m okay. I want to know that SHE understands and wants to meet my needs.”

“That sounds awesome” I replied. “I want a woman like that too. All of us deserve women like that.”

Another man named Allen said, “Yeah, I want my wife to “whisper me” sometimes too. But from what I’m seeing it goes both ways. It’s like we’re at a standoff waiting for the other to take the reins”.

I asked Allen, “When it comes to your wife, what do you think she knows YOU know?”

He was silent for about 30 seconds which felt like an eternity to the other men waiting for his answer.

He finally said, “I’ve never said this out loud before, so it feels weird. I think my wife knows that I know I’m afraid of her. She knows that I question my love for her and if we’ll last. She knows that I’m terrified of losing her. She knows that I need her to make me feel good about myself and that I don’t know how to respond to her when she is upset or angry. She knows I’m not sure how to give her what she wants to feel from me. She knows that I’m feeling like giving up.”

Another man, who is in the middle of a divorce, put a hand on Allen’s shoulder and said, “So what are you going to do about what she knows, bro?”

One of the biggest challenges in our relationships is knowing where we stand, what we believe and who we will be. Our partners will always reflect what they experience with us. We need to learn how to show up with clarity, confidence and love. When we are unclear, uncertain and uncommitted our partners have no choice but to react accordingly.

The lessons Marty Marten gave in this story apply equally to husbands and wives. My work with men is to help them powerfully show up to the world and with women so they can confidently create the life and love they deserve.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

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Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.