How to Re-Connect to Your Shut Down Wife

By: Steve Horsmon

My work with married men reveals a lot of patterns. While each relationship is unique, they tend to fall into a few recognizable categories with familiar dynamics and behaviors. One particular category is one I call the “I Wish He Would Step Up” condition.

One way I can detect this state is when I hear a client say things like:

  • What more can I do?
  • How perfect do I have to be?
  • I just don’t understand what she wants
  • Why isn’t she just satisfied with who I am?
  • She is never happy with my efforts
  • I have zero complaints about her but she never seems happy with me

I can say with confidence that many women reading those comments know exactly what I’m talking about. They will feel it as “their truth” and see themselves on the receiving end of it. And most of them don’t have the ability or courage to give the answers their husband most needs to hear. In fact, even if they do, they may be the wrong person to deliver the message.

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Why Won’t He Step Up?

This is the battle cry I hear from many frustrated wives. It also sounds like, “Why won’t he man-up, or show up, or be present.” They use these terms loosely to describe a number of their husband’s “inadequacies”. These often include requirements like:

  • Helping out more with the house and kids
  • Being more emotionally available
  • Being more tuned in to her needs
  • Listening more effectively
  • Being more supportive
  • Being more sexually assertive
  • Taking the lead more in planning social activities and social commitments
  • Creating a better “connection”
  • Addressing world hunger (just checking to see if you’re still with me)

Just ONE of these is complicated enough to decode and put into simple, actionable language. I help men better understand what these look and feel like to their wives.

They are bewildered by her expectations. They want details. They want concrete examples of what she needs and wants. They want an “infographic” to make it all clear.

 Why Don’t You Just ASK Her?

This is the obvious question.

You have. A hundred times.

It still sounds like a moving target that only she is able to see. And the rules seem to keep changing.

That’s because they do!

It’s impossible to clearly define and understand precisely what she expects from you in every situation. It’s excruciating trying to do exactly what she wants and how she wants it done.

That’s why you should stop trying.

You’re driving her crazy anyway.

What Stepping Up REALLY Means to You

Husbands in this situation tend to have 3 important things in common.

1. You feel a constant jabbing energy of disrespect and disappointment from your wife

2. You feel a deep sense of inadequacy, anger, and hopelessness

3. You actually have no issues with her general “requirements”!

So what’s wrong here?

What’s wrong is that you have chosen to live in compliance with someone else’s values on their terms.

Even though you don’t dispute that they may be SHARED values, you have not defined for yourself exactly what they mean for you on YOUR terms.

This is what “stepping up” really means to you.

You can claim your own values and expectations for how you will think, speak, and act independently from the expectations of others – including your wife.

What the Wives Say

The women I talk to say this is what “stepping up” really means to them. They want their man to take hold of his values on his terms and confidently join her in the marriage they BOTH want.

They don’t want him to seek her permission or approval. They want him to have his own “target” and to stop worrying about hitting hers.

It’s for this man they feel respect.

It’s with this man they feel the most emotional safety AND attraction

Holding on to Your NUTS

In his book, Hold on to Your NUTS, author Wayne Levine beautifully explains the process and importance of men declaring their own values, or non-negotiable, unalterable, terms (NUTS). I call them Masculine Operating Principles or MOP’s. It doesn’t matter what you call them.

NUTS are critical to achieving clarity on who we are, what we believe, and how we WILL conduct ourselves in our relationships. NUTS are not the sole property of men. They are just as important for women and for the same reasons. They apply to every aspect of our lives.

But, you can’t just borrow someone else’s NUTS! They must be created and owned only by you. You must be able to commit to your NUTS without apology or pre-approval.

A few of examples of NUTS my clients have adopted are:

• I will always be an active partner in maintaining an organized household and meeting the needs of my kids

• I will always listen to my wife with acceptance and respect. Her anger or emotions do not reflect my personal value nor change my commitment to be a source of strength for her

• I am a sensual man with a woman I adore. I will share my emotional and physical desire with her without hesitation or apology

The Big “Ah Ha’s”

I fully understand that declaring your NUTS within your relationship is challenging and a bit scary.

One big “Ah Ha” many men realize is that they have already done this in other areas of their lives. They have confidence and clarity at work, with friends, and with their kids.

Why is your relationship with your wife so different? What is her secret power that keeps you always on your heels? Or afraid to make a stand? Or searching for her approval and her ever-changing targets?

The answers include a litany of reasons like:

  • It’s easier just to say “Yes, dear”
  • Fear of abandonment
  • She’ll get so pissed!
  • Fear of confrontation
  • She likes to be in control so I let her (this is almost never true)

When you decide you’re tired of the excuses, something magical happens.

“Ah Ha”. You’re feel free to take charge of your life on your terms.

“Ah Ha”. You lose the fear of the consequences. You develop a firm grasp of your NUTS.

“Ah Ha”. You “Step Up” on your terms, for yourself, because it is who you choose to be!

I can almost guarantee that your wife will step up and begin to let go of her pattern of disrespect and disapproval. She will show the appreciation and affection you desire – the way she used to.

The Final “Ah Ha”

Even if she doesn’t start “Stepping Up”, that’s her problem – not yours. She has the power and choice to amplify and encourage your new energy and commitment.

Or, she can choose to sabotage it.

You have no control over that.

And you’ve got your own work to do anyway.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

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