Many of my discussions with women revolve around questions pertaining to improvements they want to see in their men. For those who read my stuff and are familiar with my beliefs, you already know that I put tremendous responsibility on men to take charge of themselves and OWN many of the things that frustrate them and the women in their lives. I coach and teach men that they have a very special power in their masculinity to become a source of trust, emotional safety, and respect within ALL of their relationships. I set the bar HIGH for them to become that man – the man they were meant to be.
So, what about the women? Who is the “woman you were meant to be”? Don’t worry, I’m not going to write a lecture here about how a woman should think and act. Just like I coach, a man has no business telling a woman what she should do or who she should be. He must be willing to allow her to make her own choices and simply LOVE her and be the best man he can be. That’s all he can really control.
The same is true for women. However, I get tons of questions from women which imply they would like to change their man. For example:
- Why can’t he share my sense of urgency for the things that I think should be important to him?
- Why can’t he be more emotionally vulnerable to improve our communication?
- Why can’t he understand what I’m telling him I need from him?
- Why is all he thinks about is sex?
- Why does he seem to tune me out when I talk to him?
These questions are very good indicators that a woman has some learning to do about how men think and feel. The questions are coming from a place of frustration and expectation. Although the emotions are entirely valid, they are not helpful for her to open her mind to some valuable lessons regarding her man and how he is wired. This starts with acknowledging a basic truth:
Men and women are absolutely EQUAL in terms of personal and human rights, but they are NOT THE SAME. Being equal does not mean he will ever act, think, or feel like a woman no matter how hard his wife tries to get him there.
Here’s the GOOD NEWS! Those 5 questions above have some very clear, interesting, and life changing answers for a woman who is open enough to learn. The biggest challenge she will have is accepting that SHE must change her mode of operation and understanding of HIS needs in order to find the satisfaction she is seeking. She cannot do that if she:
- Does not want to take an ownership position in improving the relationship
- Is not willing to learn and accept new information that nobody has ever told her
- Is not willing to change her actions in a loving and authentic manner
Surprise! This is EXACTLY my coaching model for men. This is precisely how I guide them to learning and accepting their role in improving their relationship. The only difference is that I emphasize the importance of HIM GOING FIRST. It is my experience that a woman is much more likely to accept her “ownership position” in the presence of a male partner who has made the commitment first. He is a man who has authentically shown that he is capable of learning and ACTING differently from his “normal” mode of operation. He isn’t learning to be more like a woman – he is learning to accept more responsibility for being a better man who creates a feeling of open invitation for his partner to do the same. This is his path to becoming a great man in his relationships AND every other aspect of his life.
So, are you willing to admit that you may not yet be the great woman this guy deserves? Is your life’s work done in the area of personal development and growth? Can you admit that you don’t know all you could know about your man and his internal secrets? Are you willing to realize the incredible power of your femininity and the role it plays in your relationships and your life? I can tell you with certainty that your man realizes this. And, like most men, he isn’t sure how to explain it to you.
Who is the great woman you were meant to be? Here is a suggested list for starters. You may take it or leave it. It’s entirely your choice.
- Firm personal values
- Strong character and strong willed
- Loving, caring, and emotionally available
- An unapologetically sexual being
- Speaks very directly when needed and always from a place of love
- Loves men for who they are
- Intuitively knows that “equality” doesn’t mean we’re the same
- High expectations of themselves and of others
- Models her strength and values with grace
If these are traits you expect to see in your man, I could not agree with you more!
If you’d like help or more ideas for how you can become the woman you desire to be and that your guy deserves, then please contact me today for how I can help you.