How To Talk Dirty To Your Wife

Talk dirty to your wife to open up a whole new range of sexual exploration and intimate connection between you. Say the right thing at the right time…

Is your discomfort with “dirty talk” affecting the depth of intimacy you have with your wife?

In a coaching session the other day with a long time married guy, the uncomfortable topic of “dirty talk” came up.

This is part of that conversation.

“I don’t know why, Steve, but our lovemaking has ALWAYS been silent. I’ve never liked it but I don’t know how to change it.”

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“If it was “less silent” what would you hear?”

“Hmmm…I’m not sure, but it wouldn’t feel so clinical and boring. Maybe if she would just moan a little – that would be a start.”

“Do you moan a little?”

“No, never. I’d like to, but I don’t.”

“Why is that?”

“I’m afraid it would make it awkward for her. It might ruin the moment. She’s really self-conscious about sex and her body.”

“Okay, since you’re not self-conscious, why don’t you try to make her feel more comfortable by saying something like, “Baby, you’re so beautiful when you’re engorged. You look like a delicate rose in bloom. And the glistening dew on your petals tastes like sweet honey…mmmmm…I love you.””

“Holy crap. I could never say that to her!”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m too self-conscious.”

“Is that maybe why you don’t moan either?”

I Was Married Once – I Get It

I know exactly how he feels.

My marriage had 28 years of self-conscious behavior on both sides. She was always nervous and afraid to show her sensual side. She had so much angst about it, she convinced me that she thought sex was “icky and overrated” and I was, quite possibly, a pervert for thinking about it so much.

I was following her lead. I had no agenda of my own. I was afraid to speak my truth. I was being a fear-driven husband and man.
And as all “good guys” do, I bought her act – hook, line and sinker.

I reacted like a scared boy. I followed her lead and never said anything that might make her feel nervous or “icky”. When it came to my own feelings of sensuality, I went silent. Even moaning was risky – didn’t want to spoil “the moment”.

Some moment. Clinical and boring.

Little did I know that I wasn’t doing her or myself any favors. I was following her lead. I had no agenda of my own. I was afraid to speak my truth. I was being a fear-driven husband and man.

As much disappointment as I felt in my marriage, I felt more in myself for hiding out.

The truth was – and is – that I’m a massively sexual man.

When I imagine passionate, sexual intimacy with a woman my body pulses with the tension of a fully loaded leaf spring on a 1-ton truck. When I imagine the mutual touches of affection and naughty words of desire my heart beats faster. Just writing this causes me to see, smell and taste her curves, fragrance and her nectar.

But I went an entire marriage never saying anything about that side of my masculinity. It wouldn’t be “nice” to pressure her so. Besides, she thought sex was overrated anyway. Better to play it safe. Be silent. That’s what “good guys” do, right?

Then one late night about 3am, in a cold sweat, I sat on the toilet with her poorly hidden cell phone in my hand. The phone display lit up the pitch dark bathroom and my shocked face…and tears bubbled from my eyes.

The stream of sexy text messages revealed her truth. I couldn’t stop reading.

Apparently, she was a lot like me!

But someone else figured it out before I did.

Divorce Lesson #1: Your wife is probably much more sexual than you think.

Dirty Talk – It’s Not Just for Sex

One problem guys have with dirty talk is that we only imagine the most hard-core options.

Dirty talk ranges from sensual to sexy to hot to naughty to dirty to downright filthy. If you’re not well practiced at the low end, the high end will always seems unreachable.

Yes, those are great fun and huge turn-ons when the moment is right. But when I ask men if they have ever said, “My God your hair smells so sweet and feels so soft after you wash it!” they normally say, “Ummm, no”.

That’s dirty talk. No, it’s not naughty, but it is very sensual.

So is, “I like kissing you because your lips taste so sweet” and “The feminine way you move your hips when you’re happy makes me happy too”.

If you’re having trouble even imagining saying things like that, you’ll never feel comfortable with the really hot stuff.

Dirty talk ranges from sensual to sexy to hot to naughty to dirty to downright filthy.

If you’re not well practiced at the low end, the high end will always seems unreachable.

Even moaning out loud will feel a little weird.

How to Practice Your Dirty Talk Without Feeling Creepy

A lot of old married guys have resigned themselves to saying nothing. They’re done trying any longer.

One of the biggest reasons women are uncomfortable with our compliments and sensual talk is because we are uncomfortable.
Why?

Because of how she may react.

They’re afraid of her snarky comments, rolling eyes of exasperation and – the dreaded – long, exaggerated sigh of disapproval and disbelief.

My solution? Warning: It’s harsh.

Stop giving a f*ck for Pete’s sake.

Really, just stop caring and being so invested in how she reacts to you. One of the biggest reasons women are uncomfortable with our compliments and sensual talk is because we are uncomfortable.

Drop your expectations for an outcome – good or bad.

If you want to get better, more comfortable and more natural with communicating your sensual feelings, you are going to have to practice! None of us was born with this skill.

And if you’re not going to practice with the one and only committed, romantic, sexual partner in your life then who the hell are you going to practice with? Yeah, don’t do the cell phone thing.

But, here’s the deal.

You must practice the dirty talk ONLY with words and feelings that are absolutely true for you!

You’ve got a lifetime to practice and enjoy this. But enjoy this you must.

Creepy feelings come from feeling like a fraud. Discomfort comes from acting like someone else. Fear comes from worrying that you’ll be judged for what you’re about to say.

But the truth can’t be judged! So speak your truth.

As true as the sky is blue, it’s true that your wife’s shiny, bouncy, freshly washed hair is intoxicating. So just say so.

As true as the sun will rise tomorrow, it’s true that when she looks you in the eye and softly touches your chest you feel loved. Tell her that.

And as true as the snow falls in Colorado (my personal truth today), it’s true that you absolutely love the sensation of making love to her. So go ahead and release that moan, big guy. A deep, low moan.

It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s your truth.

Speak it now or forever hold your peace.

I call it “unapologetic masculinity”. Trust me, you want more of this in your life.

Start small and get used to it. Then find other truths and work your way up the “hotness” scale. Take your time. Trust yourself. Trust her.

You’ve got a lifetime to practice and enjoy this. But enjoy this you must.

Don’t think you’re doing anyone any favors by hiding your sensual self away.

The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.

Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free 90 minute consultation call I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

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While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
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  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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