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Can you relate to these traits of what I call the “hummingbird husband”? I can.
Hummingbirds are nervous little fellers. Uncertain and twitchy.
They don’t trust anyone or anything. Always questioning.
Anxious as hell hovering for their turn at the feeder.
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And with a flying heart rate around 1000 beats per minute I wonder why they just don’t explode in mid-air.
Can you relate? I can.
The Guaranteed Libido Killer
I’m a leading authority on the hummingbird husband. I was one for many years and I can now spot it easily in the men I work with. It’s a syndrome that’s sure to leave you feeling agitated with yourself.
And it’s a guaranteed libido killer in all wives. One hundred percent of them. Did I mention I’m an expert?
We’re not bad husbands. We’re actually really super guys. A little “overly involved” perhaps, but we mean well…maybe.
We’re just being attentive. Possibly too attentive.
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But we just want to know what’s going on. We want to know what she’s doing, where she’s going, who she’s talking to, who she’s texting.
We want to know what she’s buying, why she needs it, why is she late and how could she possibly not know she was driving on a flat tire. Doesn’t she know that will ruin a tire?
Hummingbird husbands ask lots of questions. Rarely simple statements. Rapid fire innocent inquiries are our specialty.
It’s exhausting for both of us.
And here’s our dirty little secret about our overwhelming concern for her well-being.
When we keep asking:
“Are you okay? What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong? Why are you mad? How are you doing?”
…what we’re really asking is “Am I okay?”
Am I Okay? Am I Okay? Am I Okay?
When I was in my hovering days, this was the underlying question behind most of my questions.
Am I okay? Are we okay? Do you still love me? Do you still want me?
It’s embarrassing as hell to admit I was that guy for some time. I sought continual reassurance that everything was okay. That I would be okay.
Insecurity sucks. And it’s magnified about 100 times toward the end of a marriage. It’ll eat a man alive.
I was a typical hummingbird husband. To the outside world I was a model of calmness and stability. At work and social situations I was Mr. Cool. It was not an act. I really was Mr. Cool.
But I could never figure out where Mr. Cool went when I was in my own house.
Like I said, insecurity sucks. And it seems to be most triggered in our romantic relationships – inside our own home.
Yeah, I’m Okay
If you can relate to any part of the hummingbird husband’s story, I want you to know one important fact. Do not doubt me on this. Remember, I am a leading authority.
You’re okay.
Really, you are. All of that blabbering, hovering and interrogating is just a little self-doubt.
Your overactive mind and anxious heart is just a matter of a little self-esteem recalibration.
While I am definitely not an expert on male insecurity or the underlying baggage causing it, I do know this. You have the power of choice.
I’ve witnessed too many men simply choose to stop with the hummingbird act and adopt a healthier perspective of themselves and their lives. They did enough introspection and inner work to allow themselves to experience an epiphany. A BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious).
It sounds like,
“My wife and my marriage are not and have never been the source – or the measure – of my value. I’m okay, dammit. I’m okay!”
When these guys decided to change their operating system, it was like moving their mojo setting from hummingbird to mountain lion. They embraced a whole new demeanor. It’s best described as a calm, deliberate and pleased energy.
It’s not an act. They really are a mountain lion.
They feel cool headed, secure, regal, aware, curious, playful, loving, protective, brave, sensitive and caring.
You may find them on a high rock casually flipping their tail and letting out a huge yawn before taking a nap in the sun.
No more doubts. No more questions. Heart rate – 40.
From that vantage point, anything is possible.
If you want to learn more about how to be comfortable, confident and peaceful in your own skin, I’d love to help show you the way. Get started today, here’s your first step…
Go HERE to apply for a Free “No More Hummingbird” coaching call to learn exactly how you can start changing things tomorrow.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and Dan lead this community with 9 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls three times per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
