The Secret to Building a Marriage With More Intimacy and Affection

If you want a marriage with more intimacy and affection, there’s a common mistake many of the men we coach make without even realizing it.

I speak from experience – I used to make this mistake with my wife for many years.

This article and video explains what that mistake is and how to stop doing it.

What is the Big Mistake Men Make?
Questions. Constant questions.

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These aren’t normal questions like, “How was your day?” or “How is your mother feeling?” or “Where would you love to go for vacation?”, etc.

The questions I’m talking about have a different agenda.

They are based in his uneasy insecurity about his relationship and himself. They are questions that reveal his underlying distrust, skepticism or judgment he holds for his wife and her loyalty to him.

These questions are hiding a covert plan to catch his wife doing something wrong. In essence, he is trying to prove to himself that his own lack of confidence and need for certainty is justified.

He can’t feel good about himself without her continually validating his value and importance to her.

It’s a really sucky place to be. It can ruin a man if he doesn’t snap out of it and choose a different path.

And when he does, I’ve seen major turnarounds in relationships in very short order. More lightness, more fun, more trust and more affection.

What Do These Questions Sound Like?

The big mistake is not just asking questions. There are lots of great questions.

The mistake is constantly asking the wrong questions.

These are examples of questions that may sound innocent at first, but they have a hidden (or not so hidden) agenda behind them.

  • Who were you talking to?
  • Who are you texting?
  • What did they want?
  • Why did you like his Facebook post?
  • Where are you going after work?
  • Who was that guy you were talking to?
  • Why are you never in the mood anymore?
  • What do I have to do to make you happy?
  • What did I do that was so wrong?
  • Why are you giving me the silent treatment?
  • How much did that cost?
  • Why don’t you like me?
  • Why am I always last on your list?
  • Why are you always so emotional?

Sure, we might argue that each question has a valid motivation behind it. “I was just saying I wish you were more open with me. Is that so wrong?”. (that was another question)

At the root of each question is a feeling of insecurity, doubt and a desire to control. There are implied rules in each question – rules we want her to follow – or else we will be upset.

This is one way men try to gain a sense of control. By imposing his rules and threatening to become upset or angry he creates the illusion of control.

But I’m here to tell you, brother, the most control we will ever have in our life and relationship is when we learn to let go of controlling someone else.

This requires a strong self-image and emotional detachment from needing to impose your rules on her or anyone else.

Do This Instead

I teach men about the value making statements instead of asking probing questions.

These are statements that come from your own sense of confidence and are simple declarations of what you believe. They are statements that reflect your values. And they come from a calm place of inner strength and security.

For example, one guy I know was terribly upset about all the Facebook pictures his wife took with other men at her gym. He pestered her for weeks about it.

Her jaw dropped the day he finally said, “I’m not surprised these guys are drawn to you. You’re looking incredibly hot. You should be proud of yourself. And I’m the lucky bastard who gets to sleep with you.” Within a week she was seeking him out for attention an affection.

Another guy was hovering over his wife for days because of her bad mood and emotional distance.

The very evening he just said, “I’m sorry you’re having a crappy week, babe. I’m here when you need something to lean on.”…she was on the couch with him with her head on his chest.

And another man was badgering his wife over her purchases for the kids and was demanding to see receipts for everything.

When he finally let go and told her, “You know what, I need to chill out about the money. I know you’re aware of the budget and you always make good decisions for the kids.”…she started talking to him about what she was spending. He had to tell her, “Honey, really, you don’t have tell me about every penny you spend.”

YouTube video

A 7-Day Challenge

Just give it a shot. What do you have to lose?

See if you can go for seven straight days without asking even one probing, question.

Make statements instead.

It’s going to be hard, I know. But I have a prediction.

Before the end of the week, you will see a shift in her energy toward you.

And it will be good.

What does it take to become massively more confident and secure in yourself so you can give a woman what she needs to feel more appreciative, relaxed and affectionate?

It takes a commitment to learning, internalizing and PRACTICING a whole new mindset. New operating principles. Brand new mojo.

And we’ll never find that just in a book, video or podcast. What worked for me is what will work for you. Spending dedicated time with other initiated men and committing yourself to a process of personal change.

This is how our “lights turn on”. And there’s nothing else I would rather do than to spend some quality time helping you do that. I’ve developed a reliable 90-day process that gets consistent results for men and it doesn’t hurt a bit.

Actually, we end up laughing together more than anything else.

It all starts with a simple, powerful, courageous conversation.

If you want to learn how to be unshakeably confident in yourself, then below are some options for you to change right away…

Go HERE to apply for a Free “Stop Fearing What She Thinks” coaching call to learn exactly how you can start changing things tomorrow.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and Dan lead this community with 9 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls three times per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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