The topic for today’s article is one of the most common questions we get asked and one of the biggest sources of frustration for men in their marriage or long term relationship.
Why doesn’t she initiate intimacy?
Why do I have to do everything to make this a relationship rather than just a platonic friendship?
How can she be happy without an intimate connection?
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What can I do to change this?
Our first response is always to look into how you THINK about your current situation.
Most of the time you’re so focused on what she says or what you think she’s thinking that you have no idea what’s really happening.
You fluctuate from one extreme behaviour to another seeing if you can get some physical affection from her.
You’ll do anything and everything to get her attention.
You cook and clean and buy her presents
You try to get a hug or a kiss from her multiple times a day
You make sexual comments as an attempt to flirt
You ask for sex or intimacy indirectly such as by offering to give her a massage
You get frustrated and upset when she rejects you or doesn’t respond to your efforts
It’s not that she doesn’t notice, she notices everything you’re doing and she feels your actions…but not in a good way.
To her you’re communicating with a loud speaker, and it TURNS HER OFF.
We talk about this more in the video below which is an excerpt from one of the group coaching sessions we ran last year:
When we’re so focused on needing to get something from her to feel good in ourselves, she feels this and it’s toxic, there’s no way that she can feel attracted to that man.
Other articles you may find helpful:
Your Wife Is Always Unhappy, What Should You Do?Urgent Surgery for Your Dying Relationship
It’s subconscious for her. We think it’s a conscious decision she makes to withhold sex and affection but the truth is that your behaviour is making her feel unpleasant feelings in her body and sex is the last thing on her mind when she feels like that.
Imagine for a minute that you’re eating dinner at the table and the dog comes and sits next to you. If you feed the dog some scraps from your plate, it will be there every day from that day onwards expecting scraps.
It’s annoying but that’s how you trained it.
Now imagine that the dog is you, asking for affection in all the desperate and needy ways we try.
She can’t give it to you when you need it because you’ll be back every day needing it, just like the dog.
Fortunately we’re not just animals following our carnal urges. We can learn and understand the nuances being communicated and we can take action that changes this frustrating cycle.
Sex, affection, connection and intimacy are not things we have to earn or get from other people, they’re gifts that we give to others and the enjoyment we feel comes from creating those moments deliberately.
But it takes a change in how you see yourself, how you know yourself, how you trust yourself.
When you know that you are worthy of intimate connection. When you know what you want to experience and how to communicate to create it. When you love being the man that you are, then suddenly other people love to receive your gifts too.
This isn’t something you can just read about and suddenly you’ve fixed the problem. It takes time and consistent focus and feedback to change these habitual behaviours.
If you want to be more confident to communicate in ways that create trust, connection, attraction and desire then you have to first work on your own emotional health, physical health, mental health and spiritual health…you need other men in your life who have been through this process. Men who can reflect back to you how you’re coming across. Men who are not afraid to challenge you and call you out on your weaknesses and push you to grow and become better.
This is the big secret.
A tribe of men is important.
We’ve even been shamed about talking too much, being too open, being too honest and being too vulnerable. So when we do get around other men, we tend to play in the shallow end of the pool. We drink beer and ride motorcycles and talk about sports.
Other articles you may find helpful:
Three Traits of a Sexually Satisfied ManWhy Does My Wife Struggle to Give Affection?
I love that stuff too. But I’m here to tell you that when you want to improve your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health, it’s done with other men who are on a path to do that with you.
To know what it means for a man to improve his mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, is to be with men who have a common language for that.
We are building a community of men willing to dive deep with you, to connect with you, to express and open up, to explore masculinity, to explore your fears, to explore your vulnerabilities, but also to challenge you, to push you, to get you uncomfortable, to get you thinking, speaking and doing things that you wouldn’t normally do, things that liven you up, that make you feel alive, that make you feel energized with a sense of mission and a sense of purpose.
This is what makes a man subconsciously attractive to women – because he has a reason to look forward to the next morning and the morning after that and the morning after that…
I’ve found this in my life. Steve and I have a mission to bring men out from their shells of anxiety and frustration and we’re finding men all around the world who are starting to open up with us.
So what do you do now?
Most men need to seriously up the average of the men they choose to hang around.
And that’s what we’re offering to do for you.
We want to invite you to join some incredibly amazing men who have walked in your shoes – or are walking in them now.
The Goodguys2Greatmen Live Coaching Roundtable is the perfect place for you to get the support, insight, encouragement and coaching you need to pull the curtain back and find the confident, attractive man you know is inside you.
In this group of men you’ll also find that..
- There is lots of laughing
- There is unbridled encouragement and support
- The energy is always positive
- You feel like you are really heard and seen
- There’s no whiny complaining, blaming and shaming going on
- There’s a mutual desire to connect, share and learn from each other
- You feel energized – not drained – whenever you’re together
- You feel happier, peaceful and more powerful than before you were with them.
Roundtable members also get:
- Membership into a private tribe of brothers who care about you
- Access to live coaching and Q&A with my colleague, Dan Dore and I
- A password to a private web page with all the session recordings, reading resources, personal challenge assignments and a running list of frequently asked questions with our written answers.
- Membership into an exclusive and secret Facebook community with just Roundtable members. More support is provided here.
- Exclusive access to my team of coaches who are available to talk with you privately when you need it.
Sign up to the Roundtable here. There’s no obligation to commit to anything more than a month so what do you have to lose?
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
Steve’s book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
Our free e-book helps men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
