The realisation that your wife doesn’t feel safe with you or that she doesn’t trust you can be very confusing, especially when there’s no history of abuse, violence or even much arguing in your history with her.
Of course it’s more complicated than it first appears.
With all that is going on in the world at this moment in time, your future may be feeling the most uncertain and unsafe than it has for a long time, perhaps more than ever.
I’m always trying to give you clear directions to help you improve your relationship by first improving you, and at a time where anxiety levels are possibly higher than ever before, this tool of yours is like a super power.
What is the tool?
It’s the tool of calmness
In a time of volatility, where almost everything you’re dealing with is subject to change, the one thing that you can rely upon is how you choose to meet the situation.
And the one thing your loved ones can trust, is how consistent you are at doing this.
I explain more in this video.
“The only safe ship in a storm is leadership” ~ Faye Wattleton
When we’re talking about relationships, there’s a common area that trips us men up all the time and it’s the NEED for her approval, her affection, her touch and intimacy.
In the book, Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson researched men and women’s attachment styles and mentions an experiment into the difference between our sex drives. In the experiment she presented both men and women with sexually explicit images while they were hooked up to brain scanning equipment.
Interestingly, both sexes were EQUALLY aroused.
However, the women’s brains lit up in an area that didn’t light up in the men’s brains – the Prefrontal Cortex – the area of the brain that is concerned with control and judgment.
The researchers concluded that in response to a sexual cue, ALL women are preoccupied with safety at the same time (whereas men were not).
How does this relate to what’s happening right now in your relationship and the wider world?
If you don’t know how to create safety in your relationships then people will struggle to relax and open up around you which is a precursor to intimate connection of any kind.
Before you can lead your kids, your colleagues, your friends and your romantic partner anywhere you have to first and foremost learn how to lead yourself.
That means you have to find ways to stay calm.
Because leaders make measured decisions.
That doesn’t mean they can’t make quick, on-the-spot decisions.
When calmness is something you have practiced and learned how to control, quick decisions are still measured, but they’re not emotional reactions.
When you’re dealing with someone in a high anxiety, overwhelmed, stressed out, worried or otherwise obviously upset state, the BEST way you can support them and love them through it, is to stay in your own lane, stay in your own energy and not get dragged into the emotion.
You can’t help them when you’re both in an emotional state, in fact the majority of the time, both your emotions just magnify each other and you spiral down into stronger emotional reactions and more dramatic communication – which doesn’t end well.
How do you develop the tool of staying calm in your relationship?
In one aspect this is the same way you would develop any skill for work or DIY etc…
– Practice again.
But there’s another aspect to this that is KEY for your ability to be a calm, consistent, deliberate and pleased man, and that is DECLARING that calm confidence in your own decision making is something that you want.
Again, consistency is so important.
You can’t be calm only some of the time and still expect the same level of safety, relaxation and trust to be built.
Finally the secret sauce to BEING a source of calmness, a source of relaxation, a source of trust is understanding that this is an amazing MASCULINE gift that you can give to anyone, anytime.
You don’t need other people or circumstances to be a certain way for you to “stay calm”.
You get to choose to BE calm.
To GIVE calmness.
To CREATE safety.
And then sit back and enjoy the more relaxed, connected, safe and trusting intimate moments that make up the rest of your life.
The best place for you to learn and practice growing your ability to remain calm in the face of a storm (whether it’s the weather, a virus or a woman’s emotions) is with a group of high quality, open hearted, generous and loving men.
We have created this in our community and right now it’s becoming even more important for men to have this support in your life.
Last night on our Roundtable group coaching call we had men from all walks of life including those the front line dealing with the current medical emergency around the Corona Virus.
We want you to experience what it’s like to have men who understand you and have your back as the new normal in your life.
So my question for you is…
Do you take up the challenge to declare that you want more calmness now you know it can hugely impact the trust and connection in your marriage?
In our coaching we take men through an intense program to build this muscle of calmness to the point where it is rock solid, where you no longer question yourself and can even laugh at how you used to get upset by what’s going on around you.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our Mastering Connection With Women course starts again in May lead by Dan and Alexis – Receive live feedback on your energy and confidence. Find out what you need to do to own your sexuality and masculinity. Navigate tests and create more connection and intimacy with ease. Find out more and signup here.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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