Many years ago you loved every single thing about her…even those nutty things she did that made you cringe.
She was adorable – just as she was.
Now? No so much.
The mistake you’re making now is wishing she could more like you. Kind of like a man – only with boobs.
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Hey, I’m guilty too. It can feel like a tremendous amount of work and effort to relate to her like a girlfriend. You’re always second guessing, tip-toeing around in arguments and trying not to screw up.
Stop trying so hard.
Really. You don’t need to be her girlfriend. You just have to learn how to calmly BE with her without needing her to change.
And, more importantly, when you learn to be more relaxed, curious and confident in your own skin – your whole dynamic with her will change shockingly fast!
I see this every day. A client told me yesterday that he’s suddenly found her leg wrapped around him in bed. That hasn’t happened in two months! All because he learned to stand tall, not over-react and not try to be her girlfriend.
In this video I tell you about another problem that arises when you start to gain confidence and stop over-reacting. What do you do when she says, “You just don’t care how I feel!”
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Watch the video for my tip on this sticky situation.
We talk about men and women being equal and of course that is true, but I don’t want to talk about equality in this article, I want to talk about sameness. That we are equal but we’re not the same.
The big mistake that guys make when it comes to this notion of equality is that we think that our wives should act like us. She should think like us. She should react like us.
We think that she should have similar feelings and process facts, thoughts and emotions like us…and we forget that she isn’t us. She isn’t us at all.
Of course she has to do the same thing. We’re wired differently.
Not just biologically but social programming, social interactions, childhood drama and baggage.
We’re not the same.
And so what I’m trying to help men understand is what Alison Armstrong teaches women. She teaches that “men are not just hairy women”.
Well I want to tell you that women are not just men with boobs. They’re very different.
Why does this matter?
This matters because, when things get tough, with confrontations, conflicts, arguments, disagreements, and anything that starts to drum up that emotional feeling of disconnection, contempt, resentment….it’s always coming from a place of wishing they could be different.
Wishing that they agreed with you, or thought more like you. And what I want you to know is that you can breathe…breathe and know that she’ll never be like you.
The comfort in this is on the other side of accepting that who she is, who you married, who she was when you met, the goofy, fun, playful, feminine woman that you really adored is still in there.
What happens later in a relationship is that you start projecting your needs for her to be more logical or rational or to think like you do or to process things like you do, and you start resenting the very things that you were attracted to in the first place.
There’s a problem here, and that is that when guys start to become more confident and less rattled in their masculine frame, she might say things like “You don’t value me”, “I can tell you’re not even listening to me”, “You don’t care what I think”, “You don’t care what I feel”.
This is because you may be acting aloof. You might be acting like you’re above listening to her.
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This is coming from a place of her wanting you to be like a girlfriend. Because her girlfriends listen and respond to her very differently. They’re more sympathetic, more empathetic, more involved. They use words such as “I see what you mean” or “oh, I see what you’re saying”.
And so, there is something you can learn from her girlfriends – I don’t want you to be her girlfriend – but the something that you can learn is to actually pay attention. Use eye contact. Remember that you have felt emotions like the ones she is feeling.
But you don’t have to react. You don’t have to absorb her drama into a feeling that you’re being attacked or that she’s somehow judging you or that you’re not good enough.
It’s not about you.
And so what I want you to know, as you’re gathering your masculine momentum and mojo, as you’re learning to stand in the drama and the chaos and you’re not taking it personally. I want you to know that when she accuses you of no longer valuing what she says or no longer thinking that her needs are important, I want you to try something…I want you to look her right in the eyes nd say:
“Baby, there’s a big difference between me caring a lot about you and me caring about all the drama that’s making you feel crazy. I don’t feel all the things you’re feeling exactly the same way you do, but I’m here for you. I haven’t run away. I’m not hiding. I’m here for you. I care about you more than I care about the drama that’s bothering you.”
She may not like that either, but if that’s true for you, say that. It’s not such a bad place to be, to care more about her and her feelings than you o about all the drama that she’s asking you to get involved in.
I want you to feel like a strong, calm, confident and clear-headed man.
I want you to relax in situations that make normal men crazy.
I want you to grin with the knowledge you’re being who you want to be and you’re creating the life and love you want.
Why? Because I spent decades not feeling that way and I now know there’s a way to get to the other side.
If you’re dealing with this in your marriage or relationship, send me an email. I’d like to help you navigate these difficult waters. You can get in touch here.
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
