Hey brother,
One reason I do what I do is the joy of watching another guy’s “lights coming on” for the first time.
What do I mean by that?
This is when a powerful new perspective and incredibly confident wave of awareness happens for him. Or, he just mastered a new skill in his masculine mojo toolbox.
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One example of this is when a long time married guy spends just SEVEN STRAIGHT DAYS practicing just ONE new behavior with his wife. Then I hear this on day 8. (this is absolutely true)
“This week she has been more affectionate, relaxed and complimentary toward me than this entire last year! I know it’s because of the change I made.”
What was the new behavior?
There are dozens of examples of changes you can make, but in this case, it was simply to STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.
Really. In this case, it was that simple.
Now, of course, this was a customized solution for a man who is doing some deep work with me.
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He learned that he was asking way too many pestering, intrusive questions. It became a source of constant pressure that kept her away and in a defensive, distant and snarky mood.
I talk in more depth about this phenomena in the video below.
The Problem Is We Care Too Much
I work with a lot of men who I can relate to.
They are results driven men. Fast thinkers. Good talkers. Articulate, insightful and opinionated.
Mix that stuff with a heavy dose of being emotionally intuitive, sensitive, hopelessly romantic and sexually “amped up”, well, we’re pretty much screwed.
Sometimes we don’t know when to shut up and not argue. We have a hard time just chilling out and leaving well enough alone.
It’s like a dog that springs off the freaking deck every 10 minutes to bark at the next round of nothing whatsoever. (I’m looking at that little bastard now which is where that analogy came from)
We’re not remotely aware how our energy can feel to those around us like a woodpecker trying to knock a hole through a steel gutter at 5am. (That was yesterday)
We notice everything, feel everything and we try to control the outcome of every interaction. But we know something isn’t right.
Feeling like a nervous, anxious hummingbird husband just isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
In other words, we care too much. As Mark Manson said in his epic article, we can give way too much of a f*ck about things we shouldn’t.
We need to ration our f*cks.
We must protect our f*cks and use them much more wisely.
If you can relate to this I am suggesting it’s time to care much more about your own mojo and much less about your marriage.
First things first.
This is the key to your future happiness. In every respect.
I like the way a client said it a while back. “It’s so freaking liberating to not care so much about every little thing that’s out of my control. I can finally relax…and so can she.”
Why We Tend to Care So Much
In my case and every man I work with it all starts with a story in our head.
It’s a story about how things are supposed to go. How the marriage is supposed to feel. What she should be doing to make us feel better.
The story is hard-wired with very specific details about how our whole life is supposed to be and how this relationship is supposed to serve us.
Our significance in this world and our value as a man and husband are tied directly to this story coming out right.
This creates a huge set of expectations over which we have no control.
And when things go off track, we get nervous, insecure, anxious, angry, up tight, worried and controlling.
The story isn’t happening like the script said it would.
Then we say things that make matters worse and we do things we regret.
If only everybody else would fall in line with the script, dammit, everything would be fine!
The Problem with the Script
The problem with the script is that it’s missing a key part.
The leading man’s part was never written in his version of the story. He doesn’t actually know a thing about his role. He only knows what the supporting cast is supposed to be doing.
The story of who he is, what he believes and what he expects of himself isn’t fleshed out yet. The author didn’t develop his character and his motivations.
He doesn’t know his own lines, responsibilities or boundaries.
Therefore, he must improvise. He must make it up as he goes – reacting to everything – only knowing that one way or another he is supposed to end up happily ever after.
And this sucks because he’s a really bad actor and everyone knows it.
Deep down he knows it too. All of his feelings and reactions are bubbling out of place of fear and uncertainty.
Finding his authentic center is going to mean finding himself and defining his role in this story.
Without this all he can do is care about everything and everyone except for who he is being.
This is the place in a man’s life where his reactions, feelings and decisions are all coming from a place of fear and uncertainty. It’s the most accurate predictor of how the next 30 years of his life is going to go.
The reason he’s afraid to change anything about himself now is because he is afraid he will lose what he has created to this point. But his grip on that is loosening every day and he knows it.
He is torn between deciding to make drastic changes in himself and waiting to see what changes are going to happen to him.
I always recommend writing your own next chapter.
For the man I mentioned at the beginning of this email, what he learned was that not only was SHE affected by the constant pressure of questions, he hated being that guy too. He learned that she couldn’t like him before he liked himself.
Fixing that became even more important to him than her reactions to him. And feeling good about himself was the powerful motivation he needed to start making these kinds of changes. He did it for HIM – not her.
His penchant for pestering questions came from a place of insecurity most men never talk about.
What does it take to become massively more confident and secure in yourself so you can give a woman what she needs to feel more appreciative, relaxed and complimentary?
It takes a commitment to learning, internalizing and PRACTICING a whole new mindset. New operating principles. Brand new mojo.
And we’ll never find that just in a book, video or podcast. What worked for me is what will work for you. Spending dedicated time with other initiated men and committing yourself to a process of personal change.
This is how we turn our “lights turn on”. And there’s nothing else I would rather do than to spend some quality time helping you do that.
I’ve developed a reliable process that gets consistent results for men and it doesn’t hurt a bit.
Actually, we end up laughing together more anything else.
As one guy said to me the other day:
“Today there is better energy. I’ve explained my insight to her in a non-apologetic, non-approval seeking way. And it feels cool. Because I don’t care how she feels about me. I love this work!” (way to go JM)
It all starts with a simple, powerful, courageous conversation.
Want to get started learning this stuff with us straight away? Here are your options:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless or low sex marriage is painfully serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy confident man looks like
- A lack of affection and intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
