Unattractive Neediness – What to Do if Your Wife Calls You Needy

Warning: This article might sting.

I wrote it as if I was writing it to a slightly younger version of myself. This comes from my past.

If you relate to what I’m about to tell you and it turns out you’re a little needy, I assure you that there is a brighter future ahead.

Here are some of the most aggravating things a man can hear from a woman.

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“You’re so damn needy!”
“You smother me!”
“Why can’t you get a life?”
“I need my space!”

….and my favorite country song title:

“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Leave?!”

Being called “needy” is one of the most embarrassing, shaming and, usually, anger producing things that can happen.

What does it mean?

I’ve explained it before in terms of being a hummingbird vs. a mountain lion with your energy. This is an anxiety based neediness. Watch my video about that here.

In this article I want to give you THREE things that are leading indicators of neediness. These are indicators of a deeper level of neediness based in insecurity, fear and self-worth.

I explain these THREE sure-fire ways to know if you’re being needy in the video below.

Neediness is something us guys talk about all the time, and it’s the worst possible thing you can hear from a woman.

“You’re being so needy you’re being creepy.”

Needy is creepy. Urgh!

So I want to talk about what neediness is.

I want to give you three sure-fire signs to know if you’re “being THAT guy.”

First I have to give a caveat, which is that there are healthy, productive, mature and masculine ways to do these three things. It’s not that you are needy if you’re doing these three things at all. It’s just that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do them.

The three sure-fire ways to know that you’re being needy are:

1. Unhealthy anger
2. Unhealthy arguing
3. Unhealthy loneliness

The first sure-fire way of knowing if you’re being needy is when you are ANGRY A LOT because you’re angry out of fear. Fear that somebody has disrespected you. Fear that somebody is insulting you or offending you. Fear that you’re not good enough.

Persistent and uncontrollable anger is usually a sign that you have unhealthy expectations of someone or something. Unhealthy expectations are those that are REALLY just “silent demands” you’re making on others to make you feel good. They are hard “rules” you’ve created in your mind for how things or people are SUPPOSED to be. And when they aren’t – you lose it.

It shows up to others as neediness.

You NEED them to do or be something to make you feel better about yourself and to make the anger go away.

It’s a question of worthiness. It’s a question of self worth and self respect.

It’s often said that expectations are silent demands. Sometimes we have expectations that we want others to meet which are in the form of hard and fast rules that we have placed on them. These are often silent, covert contracts, secret demands that we have placed on others, and when our needs are unmet, we get angry.

That’s a very immature and insecure way to be angry.

The second sure-fire way to know if you’re being needy is if you find yourself ARGUING A LOT because you need to defend your honor. You feel like you’re not respected enough, you’re not thought of highly enough, you’re not good enough. So you argue to defend your honor.

Constant arguing and creating conflict is usually a sign you have a need to “win” or to be “right” about something. It’s also a sign that you don’t feel confident in yourself and you need to defend your feelings or your opinion.

It shows up to others as neediness.

You NEED to be heard and to be right in order to feel validated – that you are not crazy or stupid. You want to feel respected and you’re finding that arguing isn’t the best tool.

You have an overwhelming DNA pogramming that makes you want to be right because it somehow validates your worthiness and your self-worth.

You can probably see that there’s a trend here….

It come back to this idea of our self worth and needing someone else to validate that.

If you feel yourself being angry a lot, you’re probably being needy. If you find yourself arguing a lot, being defensive and trying to be right a lot, you’re being needy.

The third sure-fire way to know if you’re being needy is more complicated – it’s loneliness. If you feel lonely most of the time when you’re all alone, you’re being needy.

Let me explain…

If you feel lonely most of the time when you’re on your own, you’re probably being needy. This is because there’s a big difference between feeling lonely and being alone.

Aloneness in a mature healthy way is peaceful, it’s harmony, it’s introspective, it’s quiet, it’s confident.

In an unhealthy way, being alone can feel lonely because you don’t have anybody there to tell you that you’re OK. You don’t have anybody there to meet your needs, like needing to be paid attention to or being told that you’re a good person or a good boy.

So if you find yourself feeling lonely a lot when you’re all alone, that’s a sign that you’re needy.

Feeling lonely whenever you’re alone is usually a sign that you’re not happy with your own company. Aloneness doesn’t need to result in loneliness when you’re actually aware of your own value and well being and satisfied with who you are. Feeling lonely all the time is a sign you’re looking outside yourself for affirmation and approval that you’re good enough. It shows up to others as neediness. You NEED them to take away your loneliness by rescuing you from your own insecure internal world.

All of us guys have bouts with anger and arguing and loneliness in unhealthy AND healthy ways.

Can you recognize that you’re a guy who has regularly felt this unhealthy amount of anger, or an unhealthy amount of discord, or conflict and arguing?

If you recognize that you’re a guy who has felt an unhealthy amount of loneliness at some point in your life, when you’ve been all alone, there is neediness there.

This is not an insult. This is a really common human condition.

But for men it’s especially troubling because we’re shamed all the time for being needy little boys…but we’re not.

This is what Dan and I do for men. This is what we do in our 1-on-1 coaching programs, in our Roundtable group coaching program, in our retreats, in my book.

Everything we do at Goodguys2Greatmen is to help men see the truth about their neediness and uncertainty. That knot in your stomach, which says you may have been disrespected, or that angry need to fight or argue and the loneliness that you feel.

One you get liberated from the need to have others tell you that you’re OK, you adopt this really healthy sense of self reliance, a sense of fullness, a knowing that you’re OK.

And when you KNOW that you’re OK, you’re finally able to be in a healthy relationship with someone else. When you KNOW you’re OK, you’re full of happiness in who you are and you’re able to give things to others without needing anything in return.

I warned you this might sting. I remember the harsh burn of facing this news very clearly myself.

I’ve discovered the road to healthy SELF-RELIANCE and cool, calm, peaceful self-confidence can be a little bumpy.

Sometimes articles like this punch you in the nose and you want to hit back.

I get it.

But…I want to offer you a solution.

What if you found out the road isn’t all that scary when you’re with men who have already traveled it – many times. And they can reassure and guide you every step of the way.

What if you were to travel the road to more confidence, more peace, more intimacy and more laughter on the back of a horse?

Will you make yourself a priority this year?

Most men don’t. They are too busy taking care of everyone else. Too busy minding the store and making the money. They are focused on the “outside game” of winning life.

But their “inside game” of confidence and clarity is suffering badly.

You can only improve your inside game with other men.

We would love to help you become more calm, more strong emotionally and more confident and happy in who you are as a man.

Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our , in our Roundtable group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now. There we help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.

Find out more about our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self realization.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what I want for you brother,

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Dan and I are here to guide you on this mission.

If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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