Whatโs a husband to do when passion runs cold and his patience has run out?
John: โHoney, Iโd like to make time for lovemaking this weekend.โ
Jane: โMaybe. Weโll see.โ
John: โI think what you meant to say was โThat sounds great baby. Itโs been too long hasnโt it?โโ
Jane: โUmmmโฆno, thatโs not what I meant.โ
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John: โAnd that seems to be the problem. Youโre more comfortable keeping our intimate life in limbo than you are in acknowledging the obvious. We need to fix this.โ
Jane: โI know that you want to fix this and Iโve asked you to be patient. I can make myself have sex with you, but I canโt make myself want to. Why canโt you just be more patient?โ
John: โThat sounds like a reasonable plan up front but after a year, Iโm running out of patience. I canโt see you doing anything that is moving us toward a solution. Iโve made the all changes you asked me to make.โ
Jane: โA lot of women go through this. You just need to be more patient.โ
Whatโs a husband to do when heโs had a version of this conversation at least 100 times?
How much patience is required of a good man and husband?
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How long must a spouse wait for the other to figure out their lack of desire?
What if the lack of desire is really a symptom of something bigger?
Spoiler alert: I donโt have pat answers for those questions. Every situation is unique and my coaching varies greatly depending on circumstances. But I want to share some thoughts Iโve learned from unhappy husbands and wives Iโve worked with.
To keep this in context, letโs assume there isnโt any serious abuse going on in either direction. And letโs assume there hasnโt been any affairs or addictions or major illnesses involved.
Here are some situations I find frequently.
Other articles you may find helpful:
My Wife Says She Doesn’t Love Me Anymore, What Do I Do?How To Save Your Marriage If Your Wife Wants Out
โI Just Donโt Know if I Can Trust You Anymoreโ
Men hear this a lot when intimacy has dried up. Itโs usually around marriage year 15 โ sometimes much earlier โ sometimes later. Heโs had a long run of doing things that, from her perspective, have created a huge hole in her ability to see him as trustworthy. He has hurt her feelings, disappointed her, disrespected her or minimized her in ways she now finds irreversible. She canโt feel safe and sexually attracted to him. The validity of her concerns is a source of constant arguments between them.
As he gets older and more mature, he starts seeing some things differently. Maybe she wasnโt totally wrong. Now she wants to talk about separating. He experiences the most fear and pain heโs ever known. He falls on his sword. He seeks professional help and learns he could have been a better husband. He begs forgiveness and sets out to prove to her he can change โ he wants to change. And she sounds like broken record for the next few years with โI just donโt know if I can trust you anymoreโ.
He wants her more than ever and she acts like she canโt imagine being close to him. Even after he says his patience has run out, he stays the course for another 5 years. Sometimes they turn it around and sometimes they donโt.
โI Just Donโt Know if Heโs The Right One For Meโ
This conundrum can strike a woman the day she gets engaged or on her 30th wedding anniversary. It happens to men too, but itโs not as common. Sheryl Paul is an accomplished counselor who specializes in life transitions with women. Her writings in the area of Relationship Anxiety are riveting. Just reading the comments women make on her articles make my clients say, โholy cow, my wife could have written that word for word.โ
Sheryl describes two brands of anxiety. One starts with the question, โDo I love my partner enough or at all?โ Prior to that thought, their relationship was text book wonderful. But later, as the feelings of โin lovenessโ fade, she begins to panic about trying to get those feelings back.
Sheryl describes the other brand of Relationship Anxiety as more of a slow burn that may have started at the very beginning of the relationship. Itโs can be described as pervasive feelings of doubt, lack of attraction and being stuck as โjust friendsโ. And because society helps her believe that those โin loveโ feelings are the leading indicator of having the โright partnerโ she panics and starts moving away from him emotionally and physically.
Women who choose to stay and fight their fears typically ask for patience. Sheryl calls them โfear warriorsโ and they work hard to overcome the anxiety causing their fear and inability to get close to their man. Sometimes her man has enough patience and she wins her battle and saves the relationship. Sometimes he doesnโt and neither does she.
โThis Happens to All Women at This Stageโ
Many husbands hear this from their wives somewhere between the birth of their first child and age 75. And reasonable men know there are a lot of good reasons for it. Simple Google searches give a guy enough smarts to develop some serious empathy for what is going on with her. And patience is again the prescription for dealing with it.
Patience is easiest to come by when both partners are openly communicating and working together. The realities of parenting, sleep deprivation, stress, overwhelm and exhaustion are best navigated by a well-oiled team committed to a shared goal. In this environment being patient is easier as well as finding time and desire for sex.
But patience is more difficult when a man feels like heโs on the outside. When his wife begins to battle with menopause heโs powerless. He canโt help her. Heโs not a team member anymore. While he may understand the chemistry behind her lack of desire, it doesnโt help his chronic feelings of rejection, undesirability and disconnection. Patience without a game plan feels pointless. Patience without her expressed desire and effort to โfix thingsโ feels like a waste of time.
Other articles you may find helpful:
My Wife Doesn’t Love Me – How Can I Fix This?How Do I Convince My Wife Not to Leave Our Marriage?
Patience Isnโt Your Only Option
Patience isnโt your only option because sex isnโt your only option.
Yes, sex is grand. Sex is wonderful. Sex is necessary. And, in marriage, sex is expected.
But when it comes to mustering patience during difficult times a man needs to be honest with himself. His lack of patience is usually related to pent-up resentment and anger over something else that is missing โ and itโs not sex.
I ask my guys, โWhat are the deepest, most meaningful feelings you get when your wife enjoys sex with you?โ
The most common answers include:
- Feeling a loving connection with her
- Feeling desired and wanted by her
- Feeling accepted by her
- Feeling capable of pleasing her
- Feeling validated as a man and lover
- Feeling like everything is okay with us
Then I ask, โWould it easier to be patient about having sex if she was able to create those feelings for you in other ways besides sex?โ
The most common answer: โSure, but she doesnโt do that which is why I want sex to get those feelings.โ
โSo, if she was more skilled and intentional about creating those feelings in non-sexual ways, you could breathe a little easier?โ
โYeah. I could breathe a whole lot easier. And it seems to me that fixing THAT would probably fix the sex stuff anyway.โ
โFascinating.โ
Sexual intimacy can take a nose dive for many reasons in your marriage.
Sometimes the causes are deep and complicated requiring time, serious work and professional help. Patience may be the key to surviving and sometimes no amount of patience will help.
But sometimes the only thing missing during temporary lulls in passion is the conscious intention to purposefully love one another.
By choosing to consciously and intentionally show your appreciation, connection, desire and acceptance of each other on a daily basis, sexual intimacy canโt help but find its way back into your relationship.
And if you both understand and believe that, patience becomes a cake walk.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
Photo Tina Franklin/flickr