Is Trust Causing The Disconnection In Your Marriage?

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Have you ever heard these phrases about TRUST?

“In God We Trust…all others must bring cash.”

“I don’t trust anyone unless they EARN IT!”

“I trusted you and then you broke my heart!”

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When it comes to relationships we must decide if trust is a starting point or an end result.

Is trust something you can give even when you’re not sure it’s “deserved”?

Brené Brown quotes Charles Feltman, author of “The Thin Book of Trust”, who describes trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.” Meanwhile, distrust is deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).”

I believe trust is required for CONNECTION.

Every man we work with wants more connection, but he often thinks, speaks and acts from place of distrust. Distrust comes from fear of outcome and produces unspeakable anxiety and monkey chatter. Distrust causes distance and suspicion – the opposite of what most of us really want.

Is it RISKY to trust? It depends on your perspective.

If you are petrified of someone breaking your trust then you will withhold trust. If you are hell bent to achieve ONE SPECIFIC OUTCOME, then you will withhold trust.

But you will do this to your detriment. Trust requires risk.

Risk looks like approaching each other with an open heart, coming from a value of positive intent, understanding for their personal journey and no attachment to a specific outcome.

Successful long-term relationships often thrive (eventually) because there’s an underlying, non-negotiable commitment to trust. These couples risk their short-term happiness by trusting their shared long-term commitment to loving their way through it.

When Dan Dore was out here in Colorado last week we took a hike and recorded this video for you about trust. In here we also talk about the importance of TRUSTING YOURSELF.

YouTube video

Trust is something that has a spiritual nature to it. It’s impossible to trust somebody if you have fear, insecurity, or uncertainty lurking in your bones.

In relationships, you can’t have a partial trust. If you have a partial trust then you’re always coming from some kind of need for a particular outcome or you’re concerned about getting or not getting a particular outcome. So trust is an on or off switch.

We often hear people talk about trust needing to be earnt, but at its foundation, trust has to be something that you choose to give.

You might say “How can I trust fully if I don’t know if I can trust her?”

That’s a fearful question, an insecure question, a conditional question. It’s a statement that “I will only mostly trust somebody if I think that they mostly trust me.”

But what if trust is a place to come from?

What if trust is a gift to give?

The only way you can do that is if you don’t have an attachment to a certain outcome.

You don’t have the neediness, the insecurity and the fear behind you, making you wonder what is the risk behind me trusting someone.

“A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because his trust is not on the branch but in his own wings.” ~ unknown

I love that quote. It speaks directly to our ability to choose to trust without the assumption of “risk”. If you trust yourself to rely on your own “wings”, you can GIVE trust without fear.

What are your “wings”?

Your “wings” are you ability to “self-source”. This is the mature, self-reliant part of your cognitive and emotional world that just “knows” you are okay and will be okay.

A self-reliant man is able to give his time, attention, energy, love and TRUST to people without the fear of his branch breaking. He considers those gifts a starting point – not a place to get to. And he doesn’t believe others must earn their way to receiving what he gives. He’s non-negotiable when it comes to being himself and trusting himself…no matter how others respond to him.

In short, he doesn’t give a f*ck. While he certainly cares about what others think, feel, fear and dream…he doesn’t care how they respond to him, his values or his mission to be who he wants to be.

His “wings” are very strong and he trusts them.

One guy put it like this:

“I reclaimed myself! I rebooted my mind to grow and know my worth on my own without seeking approval from others (specifically my wife). Once you know your worth, you’ll be fine no matter what… no one can take that away from you.

I am now more focused, fun, loving, confident, daring and calm… a better version of myself (even my wife said that… despite the fact that I’m clearly doing this for me first). House chores, cooking, doing groceries, RAISING KIDS no longer scare me. I’m actually doing fantastic and I feel like I’m succeeding in everything I set my mind to. I will be okay no matter what happens.

This mountain lion could not thank you enough.”

This is done only in the presence and with the support of other men. You must surround yourself with men who “get it” and can teach you the mindset and skills you need for strong wings.

And when you stay connected with these men you continually strengthen those muscles.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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