Is Trust Causing The Disconnection In Your Marriage?

Have you ever heard these phrases about TRUST?

“In God We Trust…all others must bring cash.”

“I don’t trust anyone unless they EARN IT!”

“I trusted you and then you broke my heart!”

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When it comes to relationships we must decide if trust is a starting point or an end result.

Is trust something you can give even when you’re not sure it’s “deserved”?

Brené Brown quotes Charles Feltman, author of “The Thin Book of Trust”, who describes trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.” Meanwhile, distrust is deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).”

I believe trust is required for CONNECTION.

Every man we work with wants more connection, but he often thinks, speaks and acts from place of distrust. Distrust comes from fear of outcome and produces unspeakable anxiety and monkey chatter. Distrust causes distance and suspicion – the opposite of what most of us really want.

Is it RISKY to trust? It depends on your perspective.

If you are petrified of someone breaking your trust then you will withhold trust. If you are hell bent to achieve ONE SPECIFIC OUTCOME, then you will withhold trust.

But you will do this to your detriment. Trust requires risk.

Risk looks like approaching each other with an open heart, coming from a value of positive intent, understanding for their personal journey and no attachment to a specific outcome.

Successful long-term relationships often thrive (eventually) because there’s an underlying, non-negotiable commitment to trust. These couples risk their short-term happiness by trusting their shared long-term commitment to loving their way through it.

When Dan Dore was out here in Colorado last week we took a hike and recorded this video for you about trust. In here we also talk about the importance of TRUSTING YOURSELF.

Trust is something that has a spiritual nature to it. It’s impossible to trust somebody if you have fear, insecurity, or uncertainty lurking in your bones.

Other articles you may find helpful:

Your Wife Wants Space? Here’s What to Do (and Not to Do) Next
What To Do When Your Wife Wants To Separate

In relationships, you can’t have a partial trust. If you have a partial trust then you’re always coming from some kind of need for a particular outcome or you’re concerned about getting or not getting a particular outcome. So trust is an on or off switch.

We often hear people talk about trust needing to be earnt, but at its foundation, trust has to be something that you choose to give.

You might say “How can I trust fully if I don’t know if I can trust her?”

That’s a fearful question, an insecure question, a conditional question. It’s a statement that “I will only mostly trust somebody if I think that they mostly trust me.”

But what if trust is a place to come from?

What if trust is a gift to give?

The only way you can do that is if you don’t have an attachment to a certain outcome.

You don’t have the neediness, the insecurity and the fear behind you, making you wonder what is the risk behind me trusting someone.

“A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because his trust is not on the branch but in his own wings.” ~ unknown

I love that quote. It speaks directly to our ability to choose to trust without the assumption of “risk”. If you trust yourself to rely on your own “wings”, you can GIVE trust without fear.

What are your “wings”?

Your “wings” are you ability to “self-source”. This is the mature, self-reliant part of your cognitive and emotional world that just “knows” you are okay and will be okay.

A self-reliant man is able to give his time, attention, energy, love and TRUST to people without the fear of his branch breaking. He considers those gifts a starting point – not a place to get to. And he doesn’t believe others must earn their way to receiving what he gives. He’s non-negotiable when it comes to being himself and trusting himself…no matter how others respond to him.

In short, he doesn’t give a f*ck. While he certainly cares about what others think, feel, fear and dream…he doesn’t care how they respond to him, his values or his mission to be who he wants to be.

His “wings” are very strong and he trusts them.

Other articles you may find helpful:

How To Be A Naturally Confident Man
I Hate My Wife But I Still Love Her and Don’t Want to Divorce

One guy put it like this:

“I reclaimed myself! I rebooted my mind to grow and know my worth on my own without seeking approval from others (specifically my wife). Once you know your worth, you’ll be fine no matter what… no one can take that away from you.

I am now more focused, fun, loving, confident, daring and calm… a better version of myself (even my wife said that… despite the fact that I’m clearly doing this for me first). House chores, cooking, doing groceries, RAISING KIDS no longer scare me. I’m actually doing fantastic and I feel like I’m succeeding in everything I set my mind to. I will be okay no matter what happens.

This mountain lion could not thank you enough.”

This is done only in the presence and with the support of other men. You must surround yourself with men who “get it” and can teach you the mindset and skills you need for strong wings.

And when you stay connected with these men you continually strengthen those muscles.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.