Trying to Make Your Wife Happy Won’t Get You What You Want

If you’re focusing on her, you’re looking in the wrong direction.

I get to collect a lot of data from frustrated married men.

These are the guys who “never communicate their thoughts and feelings”. Actually, they do. The floodgates open when they are in a place of safety and trust. Unfortunately, their marriage is missing both.

They share their deepest secrets with me and I’ve memorized their painful comments.

Have you ever said any of these things?

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  • I feel her anger on a daily basis.
  • She has no respect for me and always finds fault in what I’m doing.
  • I feel unimportant and I’m her lowest priority.
  • A kiss goodbye in the morning is a major effort for her.
  • She has no interest in my affection and our sex life is non-existent.
  • Every time I try to do something to make her happy or connect with her I’m met with sarcasm or disapproval.
  • I’m almost done with this. I want a marriage that is happier, more respectful and more intimate. My fear is that I may never have that.

It’s Not About What You’re Doing – It’s About Who You are BEING

Have you grown up believing that respect, connection and intimacy are automatic benefits of doing things to make women happy? While this mode of operation can make your BOSS happy, it is useless in your romantic relationship.

It’s worse than useless. It’s destructive – and it only gets worse the harder you try.

By continuing to operate in the “Make Her Happy” mode you are creating an environment of bargaining and entitlement. It’s an implied contract you’ve created all by yourself. To her it feels like you’re thinking “If I keep doing this, she will OWE me that.” This mode can very well earn you a raise at work. But it will make the woman in your life run for the hills.

To you it may feel like disrespect, distancing and rejection. That is not intentional on her part. She is simply reacting to a bad deal just like you would to a sleazy salesman at a used car lot. You will likely take her reaction personally and this will make matters worse as you spiral down into the incredibly un-sexy territory of resentment, blame and contempt.

I used to be the ambassador for that territory. It’s not something I’m proud of. They were dark days and I couldn’t leave until I learned a whole new lesson about how I was BEING.

We Teach Men More About What to DO Things Than How to BE

My pre-marriage education on how to be a man was full of “What to Do’s”. These came from my male role models who were my only teachers.

  • Get a job and pay the bills
  • Fix stuff around house
  • Be nice and apologize when she’s mad
  • Help with chores
  • Compliment her
  • Allow her to make all the plans
  • Remember anniversaries
  • Say “Yes, Dear” when needed and don’t rock the boat
  • Compromise. Negotiate. Sacrifice.

It was never actually stated, but my teachers implied that doing those things was the key to a man‘s happiness. I trusted that if I did these things then I could expect a respectful, connected and intimate marriage – just like theirs.

There was one problem I didn’t see until much later. None of my teachers actually had a marriage like that.

They were just blindly passing down the same “wisdom” they were handed decades earlier. I didn’t pay much attention to the unhealthy lack of respect, connection and intimacy in their relationships. It was my “normal” and it became my fate.

I became a husband who settled for the same mediocre results my teachers settled for. And I attracted a partner whose teachers taught her to do the same thing. With each passing year we kept doing the same things as we gradually lowered our expectations for ever having the relationship we really wanted.

At the inevitable end of my 28 year marriage, I started my journey in learning how to stop DOING things to get things. It was time to learn how to BE a man who gets what he wants.

How to Become a Man Who Gets What He Wants

This change requires you to retool yourself and your mindset. What you are doing now is probably not getting you what you want.

You must acquire new knowledge, new skills and a new perspective to become a man who gets what he wants by BEING different than you have been.

You must be more focused on the process of becoming a man who gets what he wants than you are on getting the outcomes you desire.

Respect, trust and connection are created by holding the values of BEING respectful, trusting and connected rather than chalking up brownie points in order to “win” those things. When you live in accordance with these values you become a man with no expectation that others must change to please you. You learn your value is not defined by the approval or happiness of your partner.

You are operating in a mode in which you are already pleased with yourself.

This is the key difference between men who have what they want and those who don’t.

They are willing to change who they are BEING in order to be pleased with themselves – not to please others or gain their approval.

They become clearly aligned with the expectations they have of themselves and FOR themselves. By seeing their own value, they confidently invite others to join them in the life they plan to have. They WANT their partners to share respect, trust and connection with them. But, they don’t NEED them to.

They are so clear and confident about their own value that pouting, arguing and complaining are no longer options for them. Those options disgust them.

Their sense of well-being is not found in women agreeing with them, liking them or having sex with them. They are secure in themselves.

They are certain they will have the life they want. And they know they can’t control their partner’s choice to join them. A feeling of liberation replaces self-doubt.

Patience, Process and Faith

It’s helpful to know why some men fail and never become a man who gets what he wants.

There are 3 reasons that show up in most men I know:

1. He is impatient and overly invested in outcomes.

2. He fails to understand and accept that the process is totally within his control.

3. He doesn’t believe that he is deserving and capable of creating what he wants.

It’s amazing how quickly you will start to see changes when you consistently apply patience, process and faith to the changes you are making. But your FOCUS must be on yourself, not expected outcomes.

Men who focus on outcomes are impatient for results and they start DOING things all over again to force what they want. This blows up in their face every time and sets back the whole process.

A recent client said it perfectly in an email:

“I am so happy that throughout this entire process I was able to get to a place where the outcome of my relationship status became secondary to simply putting in the tough work to become a better man. Period. And yes, you can use that quote.” ~ John K.

PATIENTLY create change with a process of inward focus without forcing expectations on others. Anger and blame will start to fade away for you.

Accept your OWNERSHIP of the process and your power to hold yourself accountable to a new set of values. Confidence and optimism begin to wash over you.

BELIEVE that this is the man you’re supposed to be and are capable of creating whatever you want. A door will open and a light will come on.

I call this your epiphany.

Start Creating the Relationship and Life You Want

There is a brutal truth all men must face.

Nothing will change in your relationship or life unless SOMETHING changes within you. Of course, there is the possibility that someone else may make changes for you.

It’s better to be proactive here.

You will make a difference IMMEDIATELY in your relationship if you stop DOING things out of expectation. Decide to be in charge of your own mindset, attitude, and responses. Take ownership of those things because it’s who you ARE – not for what it will get you.

Set new expectations for yourself and how you will operate no matter what. Consistently BE more respectful, trusting and connected with everyone around you…especially your partner.

Don’t make the same mistakes that others make. Make patience, accountability and faith your new best friends.

You can have the relationship and life you want if you simply decide you want it, own it and deserve it.

If all this sounds challenging…it is. Getting what you want requires a little elbow grease. It can feel a little messy and a little scary. Fear can make a man stay stuck.

I want you to feel your mojo again. There is no better feeling for me than watching a man get unstuck and creating the life he wants.

If you’re ready to take action to become confident that you can create the life and love you want to experience, join us in our coaching program – find out more here.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

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Photo David Amsler/Flickr

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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