Why is it so hard to stop being needy? If you’re in a relationship that’s struggling, where there’s been infidelity or a lack of affection, intimacy or sex, then I know you know exactly what I mean. All you want is to fix the problems, reconnect and live the happy, sexual marriage you always dreamed of…what’s wrong with that??!
But, and this is so important when we’re talking about attraction and connection in a long term relationship, when it comes to the things you really, really want are you “outcome dependent”?
Outcome dependence is the number one cause of unbridled neediness.
And neediness almost always leads to excessively controlling behavior.
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In your relationships this is a death sentence.
Outcome dependence is not to be confused with being “goal oriented”. Many of us dudes have tried to defend ourselves by claiming, “Well, I’m a goal setter and I like to make things happen. What’s wrong with having goals?!”
There’s a big difference between making personal or business goals happen and making someone else like us, love us, touch us or want to be with us.
A man’s secret fear of divorce is one example of outcome dependence. It’s not just that he desires a long, healthy, happy marriage…he absolutely, positively requires it. There are no other options. His very life and well-being depend on it.
And because of this dependence he will do anything to control the outcome.
The problem is that we can’t control an outcome without trying to control every person involved in that outcome.
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I made this video to give you another way to think about “outcome dependence” and how you can stop trying to control others and increase your own self-respect.
The fastest way to drop neediness and instantly become more attractive is to learn how to drop your desire to control others.
When great men first see the wisdom in this they say things like:
“I now get nauseated to watch myself show up as a needy guy. I’m starting to catch myself before I try to control someone else.”
Here’s the cold, hard truth.
Arguing about stupid things is controlling. Over-explaining yourself is controlling. Excessive care-taking of others is controlling. Stonewalling is controlling. Defensiveness is controlling. Criticism is controlling. Yelling and throwing shit is controlling. Needing to be right is controlling. And always “having a point to make” is controlling.
Your homework for this week is to see if you can catch yourself being controlling.
Then ask yourself, “What outcome do I depend on that is making me behave this way?”
Then ask yourself, “Who do I get to be if I let go of my dependence on that outcome?”
I’m interested to hear about what you see.
I want you to feel the power of outcome independence and the release of the anxiety that comes with trying to control others.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
