Why Has My Wife Stopped Wanting Sex With Me?

The topic for today’s article is one of the most common questions we get asked and one of the biggest sources of frustration for men in their marriage or long term relationship.

Why doesn’t she initiate intimacy?

Why do I have to do everything to make this a relationship rather than just a platonic friendship?

How can she be happy without an intimate connection?

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What can I do to change this?

Our first response is always to look into how you THINK about your current situation.

Most of the time you’re so focused on what she says or what you think she’s thinking that you have no idea what’s really happening.

You fluctuate from one extreme behaviour to another seeing if you can get some physical affection from her.

You’ll do anything and everything to get her attention.

You cook and clean and buy her presents

You try to get a hug or a kiss from her multiple times a day

You make sexual comments as an attempt to flirt

You ask for sex or intimacy indirectly such as by offering to give her a massage

You get frustrated and upset when she rejects you or doesn’t respond to your efforts

It’s not that she doesn’t notice, she notices everything you’re doing and she feels your actions…but not in a good way.

To her you’re communicating with a loud speaker, and it TURNS HER OFF.

We talk about this more in the video below which is an excerpt from one of the group coaching sessions we ran last year:

When we’re so focused on needing to get something from her to feel good in ourselves, she feels this and it’s toxic, there’s no way that she can feel attracted to that man.

Other articles you may find helpful:

My Wife Abuses Me, What Should I Do?
6 Counter-Intuitive Ways Men Saved Their Marriage

It’s subconscious for her. We think it’s a conscious decision she makes to withhold sex and affection but the truth is that your behaviour is making her feel unpleasant feelings in her body and sex is the last thing on her mind when she feels like that.

Imagine for a minute that you’re eating dinner at the table and the dog comes and sits next to you. If you feed the dog some scraps from your plate, it will be there every day from that day onwards expecting scraps.

It’s annoying but that’s how you trained it.

Now imagine that the dog is you, asking for affection in all the desperate and needy ways we try.

She can’t give it to you when you need it because you’ll be back every day needing it, just like the dog.

Fortunately we’re not just animals following our carnal urges. We can learn and understand the nuances being communicated and we can take action that changes this frustrating cycle.

Sex, affection, connection and intimacy are not things we have to earn or get from other people, they’re gifts that we give to others and the enjoyment we feel comes from creating those moments deliberately.

But it takes a change in how you see yourself, how you know yourself, how you trust yourself.

When you know that you are worthy of intimate connection. When you know what you want to experience and how to communicate to create it. When you love being the man that you are, then suddenly other people love to receive your gifts too.

This isn’t something you can just read about and suddenly you’ve fixed the problem. It takes time and consistent focus and feedback to change these habitual behaviours.

If you want to be more confident to communicate in ways that create trust, connection, attraction and desire then you have to first work on your own emotional health, physical health, mental health and spiritual health…you need other men in your life who have been through this process. Men who can reflect back to you how you’re coming across. Men who are not afraid to challenge you and call you out on your weaknesses and push you to grow and become better.

This is the big secret.

A tribe of men is important.

We’ve even been shamed about talking too much, being too open, being too honest and being too vulnerable. So when we do get around other men, we tend to play in the shallow end of the pool. We drink beer and ride motorcycles and talk about sports.

Other articles you may find helpful:

How to Use Being Separated to Save Your Marriage
Failing Marriage? How to Create a Better Relationship

I love that stuff too. But I’m here to tell you that when you want to improve your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health, it’s done with other men who are on a path to do that with you.

To know what it means for a man to improve his mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, is to be with men who have a common language for that.

We are building a community of men willing to dive deep with you, to connect with you, to express and open up, to explore masculinity, to explore your fears, to explore your vulnerabilities, but also to challenge you, to push you, to get you uncomfortable, to get you thinking, speaking and doing things that you wouldn’t normally do, things that liven you up, that make you feel alive, that make you feel energized with a sense of mission and a sense of purpose.

This is what makes a man subconsciously attractive to women – because he has a reason to look forward to the next morning and the morning after that and the morning after that…

I’ve found this in my life. Steve and I have a mission to bring men out from their shells of anxiety and frustration and we’re finding men all around the world who are starting to open up with us.

So what do you do now?

Most men need to seriously up the average of the men they choose to hang around.

And that’s what we’re offering to do for you.

We want to invite you to join some incredibly amazing men who have walked in your shoes – or are walking in them now.

The Goodguys2Greatmen Live Coaching Roundtable is the perfect place for you to get the support, insight, encouragement and coaching you need to pull the curtain back and find the confident, attractive man you know is inside you.

In this group of men you’ll also find that..

There is lots of laughing
There is unbridled encouragement and support
The energy is always positive
You feel like you are really heard and seen
There’s no whiny complaining, blaming and shaming going on
There’s a mutual desire to connect, share and learn from each other
You feel energized – not drained – whenever you’re together
You feel happier, peaceful and more powerful than before you were with them.

Roundtable members also get:

Membership into a private tribe of brothers who care about you
Access to live coaching and Q&A with my colleague, Dan Dore and I
A password to a private web page with all the session recordings, reading resources, personal challenge assignments and a running list of frequently asked questions with our written answers.
Membership into an exclusive and secret Facebook community with just Roundtable members. More support is provided here.
Exclusive access to my team of coaches who are available to talk with you privately when you need it.

Sign up to the Roundtable here. There’s no obligation to commit to anything more than a month so what do you have to lose?

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

Steve’s book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

Our free e-book helps men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

You can watch all our videos here and read our blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.