No More Sex. No more Patience?

What’s a husband to do when passion runs cold and his patience has run out?

John: “Honey, I’d like to make time for lovemaking this weekend.”

Jane: “Maybe. We’ll see.”

John: “I think what you meant to say was ‘That sounds great baby. It’s been too long hasn’t it?’”

Jane: “Ummm…no, that’s not what I meant.”

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

John: “And that seems to be the problem. You’re more comfortable keeping our intimate life in limbo than you are in acknowledging the obvious. We need to fix this.”

Jane: “I know that you want to fix this and I’ve asked you to be patient. I can make myself have sex with you, but I can’t make myself want to. Why can’t you just be more patient?”

John: “That sounds like a reasonable plan up front but after a year, I’m running out of patience. I can’t see you doing anything that is moving us toward a solution. I’ve made the all changes you asked me to make.”

Jane: “A lot of women go through this. You just need to be more patient.”

What’s a husband to do when he’s had a version of this conversation at least 100 times?

How much patience is required of a good man and husband?

How long must a spouse wait for the other to figure out their lack of desire?

What if the lack of desire is really a symptom of something bigger?

Spoiler alert: I don’t have pat answers for those questions. Every situation is unique and my coaching varies greatly depending on circumstances. But I want to share some thoughts I’ve learned from unhappy husbands and wives I’ve worked with.

To keep this in context, let’s assume there isn’t any serious abuse going on in either direction. And let’s assume there hasn’t been any affairs or addictions or major illnesses involved.

Here are some situations I find frequently.

“I Just Don’t Know if I Can Trust You Anymore”
Men hear this a lot when intimacy has dried up. It’s usually around marriage year 15 – sometimes much earlier – sometimes later. He’s had a long run of doing things that, from her perspective, have created a huge hole in her ability to see him as trustworthy. He has hurt her feelings, disappointed her, disrespected her or minimized her in ways she now finds irreversible. She can’t feel safe and sexually attracted to him. The validity of her concerns is a source of constant arguments between them.

As he gets older and more mature, he starts seeing some things differently. Maybe she wasn’t totally wrong. Now she wants to talk about separating. He experiences the most fear and pain he’s ever known. He falls on his sword. He seeks professional help and learns he could have been a better husband. He begs forgiveness and sets out to prove to her he can change – he wants to change. And she sounds like broken record for the next few years with “I just don’t know if I can trust you anymore”.

He wants her more than ever and she acts like she can’t imagine being close to him. Even after he says his patience has run out, he stays the course for another 5 years. Sometimes they turn it around and sometimes they don’t.

“I Just Don’t Know if He’s The Right One For Me”
This conundrum can strike a woman the day she gets engaged or on her 30th wedding anniversary. It happens to men too, but it’s not as common. Sheryl Paul is an accomplished counselor who specializes in life transitions with women. Her writings in the area of Relationship Anxiety are riveting. Just reading the comments women make on her articles make my clients say, “holy cow, my wife could have written that word for word.”

Sheryl describes two brands of anxiety. One starts with the question, “Do I love my partner enough or at all?” Prior to that thought, their relationship was text book wonderful. But later, as the feelings of “in loveness” fade, she begins to panic about trying to get those feelings back.

Sheryl describes the other brand of Relationship Anxiety as more of a slow burn that may have started at the very beginning of the relationship. It’s can be described as pervasive feelings of doubt, lack of attraction and being stuck as “just friends”. And because society helps her believe that those “in love” feelings are the leading indicator of having the “right partner” she panics and starts moving away from him emotionally and physically.

Women who choose to stay and fight their fears typically ask for patience. Sheryl calls them “fear warriors” and they work hard to overcome the anxiety causing their fear and inability to get close to their man. Sometimes her man has enough patience and she wins her battle and saves the relationship. Sometimes he doesn’t and neither does she.

“This Happens to All Women at This Stage”
Many husbands hear this from their wives somewhere between the birth of their first child and age 75. And reasonable men know there are a lot of good reasons for it. Simple Google searches give a guy enough smarts to develop some serious empathy for what is going on with her. And patience is again the prescription for dealing with it.

Patience is easiest to come by when both partners are openly communicating and working together. The realities of parenting, sleep deprivation, stress, overwhelm and exhaustion are best navigated by a well-oiled team committed to a shared goal. In this environment being patient is easier as well as finding time and desire for sex.

But patience is more difficult when a man feels like he’s on the outside. When his wife begins to battle with menopause he’s powerless. He can’t help her. He’s not a team member anymore. While he may understand the chemistry behind her lack of desire, it doesn’t help his chronic feelings of rejection, undesirability and disconnection. Patience without a game plan feels pointless. Patience without her expressed desire and effort to “fix things” feels like a waste of time.

Patience Isn’t Your Only Option
Patience isn’t your only option because sex isn’t your only option.

Yes, sex is grand. Sex is wonderful. Sex is necessary. And, in marriage, sex is expected.

But when it comes to mustering patience during difficult times a man needs to be honest with himself. His lack of patience is usually related to pent-up resentment and anger over something else that is missing – and it’s not sex.

I ask my guys, “What are the deepest, most meaningful feelings you get when your wife enjoys sex with you?”

The most common answers include:

  • Feeling a loving connection with her
  • Feeling desired and wanted by her
  • Feeling accepted by her
  • Feeling capable of pleasing her
  • Feeling validated as a man and lover
  • Feeling like everything is okay with us

Then I ask, “Would it easier to be patient about having sex if she was able to create those feelings for you in other ways besides sex?”

The most common answer: “Sure, but she doesn’t do that which is why I want sex to get those feelings.”

“So, if she was more skilled and intentional about creating those feelings in non-sexual ways, you could breathe a little easier?”

“Yeah. I could breathe a whole lot easier. And it seems to me that fixing THAT would probably fix the sex stuff anyway.”

“Fascinating.”

Sexual intimacy can take a nose dive for many reasons in your marriage.

Sometimes the causes are deep and complicated requiring time, serious work and professional help. Patience may be the key to surviving and sometimes no amount of patience will help.

But sometimes the only thing missing during temporary lulls in passion is the conscious intention to purposefully love one another.

By choosing to consciously and intentionally show your appreciation, connection, desire and acceptance of each other on a daily basis, sexual intimacy can’t help but find its way back into your relationship.

And if you both understand and believe that, patience becomes a cake walk.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo Tina Franklin/flickr

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here