This may make all the sense in the world to some of you and to others, it won’t.
We talk to a lot of men who have similar characteristics…
They are intelligent, successful in their careers, good partners, committed parents, loving sons, brothers and friends…
In every area of their lives they have respect, admiration and confidence, except at home in their most important relationship with their wife or partner.
At home things are stuck. He feels tense and unsure, she is shut down and quiet. It’s like the passion has stalled.
It’s not for lack of competence or ability that we can end up frustrated in our relationships, we’re more than willing to learn…
So what is the key to having unshakeable confidence with our wives?
What makes some men able to create those feelings inside their partner that make her relax and open up to invite him in and connect in all the ways that we love being intimate with her?
I talk more about this in the video below:
“The first rule to success, is knowing where to look”
Confidence isn’t something you can just choose to have, it’s a result from taking action.
Taking action will always make change happen, but it’s important to recognise how you’re measuring those actions.
Where you’re focusing your attention when you make decisions and take action will determine whether you are successful and eventually become more confident.
When we’re trying to control how another person responds to us or the circumstance that we find ourselves in, we will always be fighting a losing battle.
The tools to make your partner relax and open up aren’t somewhere to be found in a hidden panel. There’s no combination lock to her heart.
The path to reconnecting with her is actually a path of self discovery.
That’s why I love this boat analogy, although for me I would choose types of motorbike (I suffer from motion sickness on boats).
What type of boat are you?
What does the ride feel like?
How responsive is the engine?
What about the finish inside?
When it’s in full flow, how does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel alive?
How does this relate to your relationship struggles?
We often talk about it being the man’s role to lead the relationship to a more connected, open, honest and passionate place.
And to do that, first he must get clear on who he is and what he brings to the table – what kind of boat he is. He must understand WHY he offers an amazing ride to those who are willing to sail with him.
To lead your relationship, first you have to learn to lead yourself, to not only imagine, but to KNOW that you’re showing up consistently with all your features turned on and fully functioning.
This takes self awareness – especially an awareness of which parts of you need a service?
Often we are completely unaware of these malfunctioning parts. We think we’re purring along perfectly, loving the feeling of the ride until suddenly we lose power.
This is why it’s so important to have other men in your life who’ve been through the same experiences. Men who can show you how to service yourself and get you back to peak performance and a love for the ride.
You need to know how to love and care for yourself so that you can be strong enough to love and care for someone else.
Leading yourself means learning how to give her something to follow.
Focusing on what your partner is or isn’t doing for you is keeping your engine malfunctioning. All the while that you do, you will never be able to see what you need to be doing…for you.
And if you can’t see what you need to be doing to enable you to show up as the boat you love to be, you will react to everything. You will mirror negative energy. You will find yourself arguing, complaining and nagging over stupid things.
You will end up negotiating, sacrificing and compromising the very values you know can lead to an amazing relationship.
Leading yourself means you’re crystal clear on where you’re going.
It also means knowing when to not follow someone who isn’t capable of going where you’re going.
If you don’t know where you’re going you’re probably following someone else’s lead and you’ll someday wake up and wonder how you got here.
If you want to find that luxurious, calm, confident but also exciting and adventurous man inside you again you need other men who understand what you’re going through to help you see where you’re holding yourself back. Men who will challenge you to make the changes that you need to make and encourage you to keep on improving until you feel better about yourself than you ever have before.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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