My Wife Never Initiates Affection

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One way to get unconditional love and affection and to be given god-like status is to pay for it.

There are women who make a very good living of it. They will forgive you all of your misgivings, ignore all of your bad habits and will give you everything you want without argument or hesitation.

And, hey, I don’t judge you if you go that route. Another way to get unconditional love is to get a dog. They too are incredibly devoted and forgiving. As a predator, they don’t operate from fear, distrust and suspicion.

But the women in your real relationships are different, aren’t they? If you want a real relationship with a woman, there’s more work to do. If you want easy affection, natural attraction and intimate connection…you have to be more mindful of WHO you are being and HOW you are being.

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

Women seem to have this unspoken sensitivity to who we are being and how we are treating them. They sometimes claim we can “make them feel” things and go so far as to believe that we can “make them happy”.

I don’t believe anyone has the power to “make” someone else happy. Happiness always has been and always will be an “inside job”.

However, I do believe that two people in a relationship can DEFINITELY create an environment that is either ripe for love and affection -OR- an environment that is ripe for fear, distrust and suspicion.

As you know, I teach men their part in being MINDFUL and AWARE of how they are BEING as a man.

I emphasize that being who you want to be on YOUR terms – according to YOUR standards is your top priority.

Why? Because if the only reason you choose to become mindful and aware of how you are being is to be loved…you’re pretty much screwed in life.

You’ll be operating from insecurity and fear. You will feel desperate, needy and constantly on the lookout for respect and approval from others.

You will never feel more at peace (and have LESS DRAMA) as when you develop a crystal clear sense of self-confidence and learn to approve of your own bad self.

Watch this video for more details.

YouTube video

The reason I use horses so much in describing how a man needs to be aware and mindful of who he is and how he is being as a man, is because horses are a tremendous reflection of your energy. They’re afraid of just about everything and so everything you do can come across as intimidating, or scary or as a threat to them. It creates a feeling of anxiety inside them.

You know what I’m talking about. You know that I’m talking about women too.

I always say, “If you don’t want to have to learn about these things, you should probably get a dog. With a dog you can do anything you want and you’re still a god to them. You can kick a dog, yell at a dog, have a temper tantrum at them, throw things around and yet STILL after a very short period of time, you’re a god again to them.”

The only way to find a woman who always thinks you’re a god is to pay for one ;-)

If you want a relationship with a woman…a productive, healthy, intimate, connected, affectionate relationship with a woman then you do need to be aware of the things that scare women. You need to know what intimidates them and what makes them feel anxious or uncomfortable and unsafe.

So the 3 three things in this video that I want to talk about are:

  1. Outward Anger
  2. Inward Anger
  3. Defensiveness

Outward anger is really obvious right? You know this even if you’re by yourself. If you get angry at something you may scream and yell, you slam door, you don’t feel very good about yourself and that’s the most important point – we want to feel good about ourselves, confident in who we are being.

Outward anger is yelling, temper tantrums, punching things, throwing things, having a tremendous outburst of rage, showing uncontrolled emotion, when you feel like you’ve been somehow wronged or victimized. Outward anger is ALWAYS intimidating and it ALWAYS makes you feel crappy.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feel anger. Anger is a real emotion and so we shouldn’t hide it or stuff it away. But we have to be mindful about how we’re expressing it.

If we express it with wild abandon and without any sense of mindfulness or self-control, it pisses us off AND it also scares and intimidates everybody around us.

Outward anger of ten looks like slamming doors, kicking things, pushing stuff around, throwing things, anything like that.

In the video above I demonstrate this with my horse by just rustling a plastic bag near him. Just the crackling noise from that bag freaks him out. He starts snorting and backing away, getting really uncomfortable. Most of us wouldn’t even notice that light rustling sound!

To the horse, that’s an unknown sound. It’s a sound that represents a threat, something that he’s just not sure about.

So as you slam a door or walk heavily across the floor in anger, a woman can sense that kind of frustration and anger in you and she immediately becomes unsafe, she becomes intimidated.

She can’t relax, feel safe and come towards you when you’re showing outward anger.

Inward anger is more like brooding. It’s that passive aggressive anger where you can say, “I’m not angry, I’m fine, everything is just great!” (Women do this all the time too). That is a passive aggressive kind of anger, which puts out a vibration of unrest or uneasiness.

So if you’re brooding but not expressing anger, you’re being passive aggressive about it by the way you handle your body, by the way you glare, by the way you treat people real short – things like that.

It comes across as being an inward anger and it’s also unsettling, intimidating and unsafe.

When you’re showing inward anger you’re totally unapproachable.

So we’ve covered outward anger and inward anger. Then there’s defensiveness.

Defensiveness just like anger comes from fear. It comes from a lack of feeling secure. It comes from a lack of confidence.

A lack of feeling secure IS insecurity, and a lack of confidence means that you’re fearful of an outcome. You’re fearful of something, so you have an aversion to what’s going on in front of you.

Defensiveness sounds like “Why did you say that? Why did you have to do that? Where are we going? How could you possibly think that?”

I used to use defensiveness as intellectual warfare a lot in my marriage. I would use logic and rationality to try to interrogate, cross-examine and create a case for why I was right and she was wrong.

Again, defensiveness ALWAYS comes from a place of FEAR.

Fear of being wrong.
Fear of being a failure.
Fear of being judged.

When we’re being defensive, we’re incredibly unattractive.

But let’s be clear, the work we do with men is NOT just to get women to like you, respect you or to find you attractive – although I know that when you understand and change the way you do these things you can find that you are liked, respected and receive more affection – the masculine confidence coaching process we take men through makes them feel GOOD about THEMSELVES when they do it.

When you’re not outwardly angry, when you’re in control of your emotional world, when you feel emotionally confident, when you feel like you’re stable in your mojo, when you feel like you don’t have to defend everything – then you feel better about yourself.

And there is nothing more safe and more attractive than a man who feels good about himself.

That’s the bottom line.

Men will often contact us and ask “How do I earn the love and affection I want from my wife and relationship?”

The only way to earn love and affection with a woman is to CONSISTENTLY operate in a way she can trust and feel drawn to.

Love and affection are born from an environment of emotional safety and attraction to how you are being.

You are the Master and Commander of who you are being. You get to make the rules. You get to set the tone and defend the standards of how you want to show up.

The 3 things to be mindful of:

1. Outward expressions of anger
2. Inward expressions of anger
3. Defensiveness

These 3 things are the FIRST level of mindfulness I recommend if you want to create a safer, more affectionate environment.

It takes awareness of HOW you are being and an intentional effort to change.

You have to want to change for YOU and you alone. Even if you were stranded on an island, you have to want to live in the skin of a man YOU are proud of.

And you’ll feel better. When we’re honest, we will admit that feeling angry, afraid and defensive is a crappy way to live.

I want you to want more for yourself.

And when you do this work for yourself, it immediately starts changing the environment in your relationship.

That’s when the good stuff finally happens.

We love to help men understand how they’ve been unconsciously influencing their marriage and causing some of the intimacy frustrations they’re struggling with. When a man gets this, it can have a huge affect on the way his wife reacts to him. Suddenly she isn’t so tense and distant anymore. Suddenly she starts asking to hang out more. We often see HER initiating kisses, hugs and the deeper kinds of intimacy and sex we love to enjoy with her.

So much of how she is with you is in direct reaction to ho you are with her.

Often it’s these very subtle things that are causing their relationship to nosedive.

We would love to help you become more calm, more strong emotionally and more confident and happy in who you are as a man.

Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program.

Come and join us and some other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now, join our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.

Find out more about our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self realization.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what I want for you brother,

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Dan and I are here to guide you on this mission.

If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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