Should I Leave My Sexless Marriage?

Are you questioning whether to leave your sexless marriage. Maybe you’re wondering whether your partner has a low sex drive. Or perhaps you’ve heard the question, “Is sex so important to you that you would leave me and our kids?”

Bill and Sarah were at it again…over the last 15 years it seemed this conversation had no end. But that didn’t stop Bill from trying.

Bill: “We can’t just keep going on like this!”

Sarah: “Like what?”Bill: “Once again you’re not in the mood for sex and I get rejected. I want to talk about it and you don’t. We never reach any resolution to this. And your indifference is pissing me off.”

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Sarah: “I’m not indifferent. It’s just not the only thing I think about like it is for you.”

Bill: “It’s NOT all I think about, but it’s important to me to have an intimate connection with my wife.”

Sarah: “Oh, whenever you want to have sex you call it an “intimate connection” so I appear to be the cold-hearted witch. This is why I don’t want to talk about it. You make me feel horrible when we talk about it.”

Bill: “All I’m saying is that a healthy sex life is normal and we’re NOT normal and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I can’t see me doing this for another 15 years.”

Sarah: “There’s a lot of other stuff in our marriage that isn’t normal either, you know.”

Bill: “Like what?”

Sarah: “Like the way you treat me, talk to me and criticize me. Is sex so important to you that you would leave me and our kids?!”

Bill: “No, yes, I mean I don’t know… argh…what kind of question is that? Who said anything about leaving?”

This is the same conversation Bill and Sarah have about every 6 months. It’s always the same. Bill tries his same logical approach to solving the sex problem and Sarah ends the conversation by challenging his dedication to his family.

It sounds like they aren’t even close to being on the same page in this discussion.

Actually, they are always on exactly the same page. Both are suffering from the same thing and it’s killing them and their marriage.

More than anything else, Bill and Sarah want to feel valued, respected, appreciated and truly loved. They both want to feel a sense of certainty in their marriage.

They just don’t know they are on the same page because their individual needs for feeling those things look very different. And because they appear so starkly different to each other their only option is to place blame and sulk away in resentment – for another 6 months.

Why it’s Not About the Sex

Bill and Sarah’s relationship had a very steamy beginning 15 years ago. Sex was the familiar, easy road to feeling valued, respected, appreciated and loved. Until it wasn’t any longer.

With a strong physical attraction and desire for each other, their first year together was full of the kind of sexual intimacy that kept their cups running over. They didn’t spend much time developing deeper emotional, intellectual or spiritual connections. In fact, those were uncomfortable, scary places to be avoided at all costs. They preferred to keep things light and fun.

Sex was the familiar, easy road to feeling valued, respected, appreciated and loved.

Until it wasn’t any longer.

Not long into their marriage they both started to feel empty and disconnected. Sarah wanted to feel the spark of attraction, aliveness and trust she felt in the beginning. Bill wanted to feel her unconditional desire, admiration and respect he thought would never fade.

As the intensity of their early attraction waned so did their ability to be light and fun with each other. Feeling happy and in love was supposed to be easy and it was getting harder. They both started to question if they ever really loved each other.

They judged the depth of their love by their individual feelings of “happiness”. They took no responsibility for creating love because they knew little about HOW to love. And the little they did know was way too risky – way too scary.

So without any other tools to dig deeper, they just stood their ground not knowing how to give what the other needed.

Sarah wanted to be treated better.

Bill wanted more sex.

In 6 months, they’ll have another conversation. The same conversation.

Are You Avoiding the Deep End?

The “deep end” is all about deciding to learn how to love one another.

They both need to switch their focus from feeling happy and in love to creating happiness and creating love.

It’s about Bill and Sarah trading in their “How happy am I?” measuring sticks for one that measures how well they are creating love. They have to want to learn how to love more than they want the other to make them happy. They must consciously decide to change their measuring stick!

Why?

Because a person who is stuck in the “How happy am I?” mode of measurement is blinded by their self-interests. They are giving up responsibility for their own happiness. And when they give up that responsibility, they also give up their power to think, say and do anything that will create feelings of love in their partner.

This is the challenge for Bill and Sarah.

They both need to switch their focus from feeling happy and in love to creating happiness and creating love.

Bill will need to go into the scary place of discovering what emotional intimacy and safety means for Sarah. He will have to WANT to become a man and husband who learns how Sarah’s needs for attraction and trust are met. Then he will need to turn his knowledge into action.

Sarah will need to face her fear of being more vulnerable and comfortable in creating sexual polarity. She will have to WANT to become a woman and wife who learns how Bill’s needs for admiration and desire are filled in many ways beyond sex. Then she will need to step into her fear and take action.

Bill and Sarah’s unproductive, semi-annual conversations need to be replaced by something much deeper. They need to discover the joy and confidence in becoming partners who want to create love with each other. Then they will find where happiness, trust, respect and good sex really come from.

Join our group coaching and get to talk to other men who have been through the pain you’re experiencing right now and come out the other side, more confident, more deliberate and with new skills that enable them to create a totally different future.

Or fill in our inquiry form for a completely free, life changing conversation with me where we go deep into what’s really causing the disconnection in your relationship and what you can do immediately to change what happens next.

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Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

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