Are you stuck in a sexless marriage and wishing you knew how to reignite the fun, passion and sexual tension that you had together at the beginning?
I need to make this quick – for personal reasons.
You see, I’ve had my face in this computer for days now.
I’ve been on the phone, I’ve been traveling, I’ve been making videos…and I’m working on a new group coaching program to help you with your confidence in your relationships (find out more about that here)
And I’ve become one boring ass guy in the process.
I’m feeling a little robotic and disconnected from the erotic side of life.
And I’m pretty sure it isn’t going unnoticed, if you know what I mean.
I want more fun – more laughter – more intimacy and, well, more of everything. I realize it’s up to me to create that. But it’s not going to happen without a little more balance.
If you’re in the same boat, maybe this video will give you a nudge as well.
Today I wanted to make a video for myself.
I’m going to watch it back and see if I’ll take my own advice.
I’ve been slacking off over the last few months and if you can relate to this, then you can take this advice too.
I’ve been living in my head a lot. I’ve been living in my head and not my heart.
What does that mean?
Well, when a guy is living in his head he’s all about his focus and getting things done. He lives in what Esther Perel calls the land of the ilities.
The land of the ilities is the land of boredom which is where responsibility, accountability, predictability, sustainability and stability live. This is where mortgages get paid, kids get fed and taken to school and houses get cleaned, laundry gets done, pets get walked….it’s the most unsexy, boring place that we can live.
When we’re thinking about this stuff all the time, we’re in our head. Esther Perel calls this the ‘domestic zone’ and I’ve been doing this for quite a while now.
I’ve been so focused on trying to follow my passion and live my purpose and serve you all, because I care…but I also have a relationship to tend to and that’s not an auxillary thing to my life.
So my advice to myself is ‘Get the hell out of my head and get into my heart’.
The heart is where the ‘Erotic zone’ is.
The ‘Erotic zone’ is where fun and flirting and dirty jokes and dancing and footsie under the table and touching and sex happens.
The land of the erotic is where surprises happen, the unexpected, where tension and even danger is.
I haven’t been going there. That’s heart based stuff.
So my advice to myself is to try to find more balance. Try to lead myself first so that I can lead her, into the land of the erotic and have more laughter, more touch, more cuddling, more kissing, more sex.
And I hold myself responsible for this.
I know a lot of times guys will say “Why doesn’t she pitch in? Why doesn’t she initiate. Why doesn’t she try?”
Well you already know me by now, and I believe that the feminine most often wants to follow the masculine. And they’ll follow us places if they can trust us to lead them there, but when we’re living in our head and all we’re doing is leading ourself down the path of making money and getting tuff done, it’s hard for a woman to follow us.
A woman will much more easily follow our heart. If they trust us.
So, my advice to myself is to stop trying so hard to get everything done morning, noon and night, and stop focusing on the domestic side of my life and try to relax and try to find the balanace again in the erotic side.
As Bill Murray would say in the old movie Stripes – ‘lighten up Francis’ – that’s what I need to remind myself.
So that’s my advice for you today. Lighten up Francis.
Drop into your heart.
Become the leader of erotic energy.
Become the leader of fun, and goofyness and dances in the kitchen, or whatever it takes to lighten the energy.
Only after you create that lightness, that fun, that surprise danger intention – only after you create that, can she accept the invitation from you to join you at a more intimate level.
Whether it’s cuddling, kissing or sex…first things first, we have to get the erotic energy flowing and then everything becomes easier.
I’m going to re-watch this video and then I’m going to take my own advice.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
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Photo Ahmet Kaya / Flickr