No-one prepares you for finding yourself Googling “my wife says she doesn’t love me anymore”, it’s just not a potential scenario any of us consider…so what the hell do you do now? What’s the best, most confident, self-respecting way to respond?
Death by female. For most of the men in my community, that’s the one shared pain.
And that’s what I usually say when people ask, “What the hell is it you do again?”
I tell them there comes a time in the life of many (MANY!) good men when their world comes crashing down. And I help them transform themselves and their relationships when it happens.
When you consider women initiate nearly 70% of all divorces, which means there are scads of men who are caught like a deer in the headlights.
As you may know, I teach men that this process normally starts for her about 2 years before he first hears “I just need space!” or “I love you but I just don’t feel in love anymore.”
This is why she seems so cold, calm and calculated when you feel like it’s fresh news. She’s been mourning this moment for a long time. Her crying days are over.
If you’re lucky, you’ve been tuning in to my community BEFORE the two-year time clock runs out. And you’ve started to notice the signs that things are headed the wrong way.
A smart man decides to take action NOW – not later.
Unfortunately, many of us (yeah, me too) waited way too long and find themselves in the twisted stomach knot of “Death by Female”.
At this point it’s CRUCIAL to understand a few things going on with her. It’s also important that you know this IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. That this may not have been preventable.
And it’s also important to know how you contributed to the environment of disconnection, distrust and disillusionment.
How you think and respond at this very moment will predict how your next 20 yrs. are going to go.
If you respond with anger, fear and desperation you will tend to continue that pattern in the future.
But if you learn to respond with calmness, confidence and compassion you will find more peace, clarity, happiness and self-respect than you’ve ever had before. And THAT will hugely improve your future in very positive ways.
If you’re entering the “Death by Female” stage, this video may help you get your feet back on the ground.
It’s a very common story – you wouldn’t believe how common it is – we hear from men every day from all around the world.
It’s the same story that I read while I was shaking my head, crying and laughing at the same time, wondering how this could happen…how could I be reading another man’s story and just switch in my name and my wife’s name into the story and it would be exactly the same as my experience. The same words, the same sequence of events, the same comments and phrases being used. It was uncanny.
We get repeated emails from guys saying the same things…
“I just found out that she has been texting another guy”
“I just found out that she really doesn’t feel for me like she used to”
“She told me that she never really had many romantic feelings for me”
“She doesn’t see a future for us anymore”
“She’s numb and checked out and emotionally stuck and can’t see any way through this”
“She wants to separate”
“She wants space”
…all those words. If you’ve heard them too, then this article is for you.
In the video above I laugh about this, not to make fun, but because it’s so ridiculous, it’s so repeatable, it’s so common, that hundreds of guys are experiencing this every day.
I know this doesn’t make you feel any better right now.
Later it can.
Later it can when you find out that the reason that this is happening to you is not because you’re an inadequate man, it’s not because you’re a bad husband or bad father, it’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s not because you’ve screwed up your whole life and done things wrong.
That’s what I want you to know.
When you hear this story about her needing space, needing to separate, thinking you’re not going to make it through this, that she can’t see how it will work going forward, that she’s not feeling about you the way she used to, that she loves you but she’s not in love with you.
When you hear those words…know that you’re not alone. Know that the reasons that these things happen are based in the emotions of the feminine that you may never understand.
One thing we like to do is to help a man understand what’s going on inside a woman when this happens to her.
It’s not a time to get hateful and resentful and angry, even though you want to.
How could she do this?
How could she break up the family?
How could she possibly think that being apart would be better for our kids than being together?
I know that those are the questions that come up, but you have to understand that what is going on inside a woman who’s pulling away from everything she’s ever known, who’s changing the story that you thought was supposed to happen, are things you’ll never understand.
It’s depression. It’s insecurity. It’s anxiety. It’s fear and all kinds of uncertainty that make her think that the only place she can feel normal again is away from you and away from the family.
And so, with just a little bit of empathy, a guy can find some breathing room and take a look at himself and say “maybe this isn’t all about me”, “maybe this isn’t all about how bad I am or how I could have saved this if I only would have been better over he last few years.”
It’s easy to feel guilty, it’s easy to feel ashamed, like you are some kind of a mistake. We do make mistakes and we do learn from them.
What I want you to know is that this process is the process that triggers a transformation in men.
This process of pain and discovery and seeing what the world is really about, what love, life, sex and women are really all about, is the thing that launches you into a whole new perspective on life.
Men survive this.
Sometimes they save their marriage.
I say to guys I coach, “Honestly, I don’t give a sh*t about your marriage as much as I give a sh*t about you and about you realizing that this point in your life is the single most motivating point (as fearful and painful as it is) for you to decide to step up your game.”
How you respond to this is going to determine the quality of the next 20 years of your life.
Whether you stay with her or not, there are women, there are relationships, there are activities and fun and connections and sex and intimacy to be had in the world for you.
With your kids, with your friends, with your family, and with other women.
The only thing you don’t know is whether the face of the woman you’re with right now is the one that will be with you forever.
You have to get to the point to where you realize that your future is not determined by her loving you.
The quality of your future, your aliveness, your vitality, your relationships and the wealth that you experience in your life, is not tied to her liking you, her approving of you or keeping everyone under one roof.
The sad thing about marriage is that we have math and statistics that tell us that the day you got married you had about a 50% shot of this working out the way that you imagined it might. That story in your head as to how love, life, marriage and raising a family might go.
And those odds stay with you.
The day you got married they were about 50/50 and they’re about 50/50 now.
I know math doesn’t help you right now, but I’m trying to help you understand that you’re one of millions of brothers in this situation that are seeing the math play out the way it does sometimes.
You can’t let it define your future.
So my question to you is. How do you want to USE your next 20 years?
You’ve got 2, 3, maybe 4 decades of life to go yet.
Don’t let this one incident, this one event, this one hiccup in your life, cause you to miss out on your next 2, 3 or 4 decades.
How do you want to use them?
What is your legacy?
What do you want to create?
Who do you want to be?
Outside of the relationship with your wife, what do you want to do? What do you want to experience?
That’s what we help guys do here at Goodguys2Greatmen. That’s our passion.
We want to help you rediscover the aliveness that’s available in your future.
We want you to know that the pain that you may be feeling right now doesn’t define you. It doesn’t define your future. You have more control than you think.
I’d love to have a conversation with you about this.
When we have a conversation, they can go 60 or 90 minutes and we cover everything that’s going on in your life. Everything she’s said, everything you’re feeling…and what we want you to do, is walk away from this phone call, feeling like you have a glimmer of hope, that maybe the way you were thinking before the call was driving you into a pit of despair and we want to pull you out of that, at least for a day.
How do you learn how to be more calm, confident and compassionate?
This can only be done with the help of other men who have traveled your path. You must surround yourself with men who can help you change your mindset, your perspective and, ultimately, how you FEEL ABOUT YOU.
The problem most of us have during the “Death by Female” phase is that we have no men in our lives to talk to. We’ve got nobody we can trust to give us clear feedback and positive support and guidance.
So what’s next?
We’ve created some powerfully EFFECTIVE experiences for you that promise to give you the calm, confident, peaceful mojo you want.
The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.
Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free 90 minute consultation call I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.