Hey brother,
I talked to a man today whose wife has been detached, disinterested, dismissive and disrespectful.
She wants her space and independence and has pretty much designed a life of her own including weekends and vacations. She thinks he should find his own life too and learn to be happy.
He said he wanted to stop reacting so badly and learn to respond better to this new dynamic she’s created.
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“What’s the difference between reacting and responding in this case?” he asked.
I told him that reactions come from a place of fear and insecurity.
They almost always sound like questions and veiled threats with a nervous voice. They sound like this:
Why can’t you spend more time with me?
What do you get with your friends that you can’t get with me?
What do I have to do to get you to like being with me?
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If you don’t start staying home on weekends, I’m not going to be very happy at all with that!
I know what it’s like to have that nervous, “little boy” energy and it sucks. Just as the words come out of our mouths we hate who we’re being.
And we know it’s a big part of why she doesn’t want to hang around.
But what should a man do instead?
What does a masculine RESPONSE look like?
How can you get her attention without feeling like a whiner?
I explain that in the video below as well as.
Why your reactions are making things worse
What you need most to respond clearly and confidently
How a clear, masculine response actually sounds when you are confronting her elusive behavior
Why you don’t need threats or ultimatums
Immature masculine energy REACTS out of fear and insecurity to try and control the situation and get what he wants. Mature masculine energy confidently takes time to choose how he wants to RESPOND to the situation, declare what he expects for himself and create an inviting opportunity for what he wants to happen.
I often talk about the importance of a man needing to find his own happiness.
But in a relationship, an exclusive, romantic, committed, sexual partnership, at some point there is an overlap where you two actually have to have a relationship.
How do you RESPOND to a woman who is pulling away and acting like a roommate instead of a romantic partner?
You must get very clear on the following…
What you believe about your relationship.
What you expect FROM yourself in that relationship.
What you expect FOR yourself in that relationship.
Where you want the relationship to go.
Where your life and relationships to be in the future.
More statements. Less questions.
Not requesting permission for what you are missing.
Stating what you WILL have no matter what.
Knowing that you are a valuable man with a lot to offer that many, many women would love to receive from you.
So what do you want?
A relationship with a woman who actually shares the value of affection, admiration, support and adoration?
I think we can all agree on that!
A relationship where we like to spend time and plan time together and we enjoy each other’s company…someone who has my back and I have theirs?
Yes! Write it down in your own words…words that make you stand up for what you believe in.
What else…?
I want you to get super clear on what you want.
And I don’t just want that. I want more things from life too. I have a mission of other things that I want that make me happy.
A relationship with a woman who wants to be with me in the way that I want to be with her?
Great! Now just how committed are you to this want of yours?
If your woman is showing relationship values that go totally against everything you believe, then you’ve got a real problem on your hands.
The way you respond to it is to be very honest and to speak very clearly about who you are, what you want and where you’re going.
You’re not telling her what she should do, you’re not making rules and you’re not giving conditions or veiled threats or ultimatums. You’re simply informing her, who you are, what you want and where you’re going.
Sometimes you can do that energetically without saying anything. She can feel it in a man’s bones when he knows he’s getting his mojo back and he isn’t going to stand for a relationship that is a roommate status.
She knows full well that what is going on is not acceptable in the relationship. All she is doing is something to fill up her cups right now.
She doesn’t feel connected, she doesn’t think you know what you want, she doesn’t think you know where you’re going and she doesn’t think you’ll stand up for yourself.
That’s what I want to help you with.
There was a time when I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. But I’m here to tell you that it’s so liberating when you do know those things and you can speak your truth right off the top of your head. You don’t need to remember anything because when you’re honest, the words come and you don’t care what the consequences are.
I always say:
“When you speak from your truth and you’re clear about who you are, what you want and where you’re going, the consequences of a man being that honest and that open, those are the consequences that are supposed to happen.”
And if you fear that she may leave you because she may not want what you want – well then the question is:
“Why would you stay with somebody who very clearly doesn’t want what you want?”
If you’re ready to understand how to RESPOND to her like her MAN who is confident in who he is, what he wants and where he’s going, below are some options for you to start right away…
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
