Why Your Wife is Not Interested in Sex and Affection

There’s a woo-woo Buddhist rule (The Second Noble Truth as they call it) that says:

All Suffering is the Result of Desire for Pleasure, Material Goods, and Immortality.

What the hell does that mean? And what are you supposed to do with this information?

I’ll break it down for you in plain language any guy can understand.

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At the end of the day our suffering is all about desiring something from a place of scarcity and emptiness VS. desiring something from a place of abundance and fullness.

Still too woo-woo maybe.

Another way to say exactly what I mean is:

Once you become a man who feels okay about himself, his value, his dreams and his mission…you will stop suffering.

I don’t mean being full of yourself. I mean being full within yourself.

When it comes to relationship suffering, I know exactly where it hurts.

The deep yearning for connection – for touch – for appreciation – for acknowledgement and for sexual pleasure is normal and healthy.

I want those things too and have for as long as I can remember. And I SUFFERED a long time waiting and wondering why I felt so unsatisfied, nervous, frustrated and angry.

It was my internal sense of unworthiness and emptiness that made me suffer – not the people who refused to “make me happy”.

I explain more in this video.

YouTube video

All Suffering is the Result of Desire for Pleasure, Material Goods, and Immortality.

So this essentially says that all suffering is the result of wanting to feel good, wanting to have money so you can buy stuff that you want or not wanting to die.

Do you think this is true?

I think it is true when it comes to men being unhappy, anxious, angry and depressed. I work with men who are trying to figure themselves out in their pursuit of happiness wealth and rewarding relationships. (not so much immortality)

As men, YES we desire pleasure, YES we desire connection, YES we desire being attracted to someone else and having a relationship with them. We also desire being desired by someone and having wealth and security so that we can achieve and have the things that we want.

I can tell you one thing I know for sure.

The plain, simple, cold-hearted truth is there is a place in a man’s mind where he can get stuck in a belief in scarcity  This is an energy of emptiness and neediness.

And I can promise you that when it comes to relationships, women, sexuality and intimacy of all types it is that the emptiness and neediness that causes his suffering.

This emptiness comes from a DESIRE to have somebody complete him.

This is the difference between NEEDING somebody to give you something you want and simply wanting it.

We’re talking about the difference between NEEDINESS, NEEDY behavior, NEEDING someone to give you what you want versus simply WANTING it and asking for what you want.

The men who get what they want in life have figured out that pressuring women (or men) to give them what they want doesn’t work. Pressuring other people to give you what you NEED will never work.

You will NEVER get enough of what you don’t really need to be happy.

You can never get enough sex or enough money to make you satisfied.

So where does satisfaction come from?

Satisfaction comes from knowing that you can want those things and come from a place of wholeness.

What does coming from a place of wholeness look like?

You KNOW who you are and that you’re good enough.
You KNOW what you stand for and what you believe.
You KNOW your own value AND your own sexual, social and intimate value and that, that value is at a high level.
You KNOW what you want but you don’t need it.

Even more than that…

You know that you want to have amazing conversations with people.
You know that you can GIVE hugs and kisses and affection and intimacy with women in your life without needing the GET them in return.
You know that you want to earn money and plenty of it.
You also know that there’s a way of being to get these things.

It’s not so much about what you have to DO (which is a chasing, pressuring energy); it’s more about who you want to BE.

When you decide who you’re going to be, what it is you want and how you’re going to go about getting it in a very clear, calm, deliberate, masculine way, things start showing up in your life.

It’s taken me 56 years to figure this out and the slower you go, the better off you are. The more pressure, the more urgency, the more neediness that you put onto anything that you want, the worse off you’re going to be.

That’s how it is with women and sex and marriage.

I want to teach you to slow down!

Slow down your mind. Slow down your sense of desire and thinking that you need it so badly and that if you don’t get it you’ll die.

There is another way to be as a man that CALMS EVERYTHING down and CREATES the things that you want when you least expect it.

The secret to ending your suffering is realizing that we can never get enough of what we don’t really need to be happy.

When a man finally figures this out, his energy changes. He focuses on improving himself, his attitude, his mission and his mojo.

He is already full – already happy. Not “suffering” in the least.

He doesn’t wish he had more – he is determined to simply BE BETTER.

Guess what?

That’s the guy who ends up getting what he wants. What he desires finds him – he doesn’t need to go searching for it.

I know – I’m getting woo-woo again.

Bottom Line – when you stop frantically pursuing the objects of your desire and learn how they are attracted, it’s a helluva lot LESS WORK.

This is what we teach men – how to be magnetically attractive to the things they want to experiencethrough our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Dan Dore (my associate coach in the UK) and I are here to guide you on this mission.

If you want to become a man who is calmly moving toward what he wants and no longer begging for scraps of emotional connection and physical intimacy, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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