No Emotional Safety Equals A Cold Affectionless Marriage

Your wife expects you to know what emotional safety means to her. It is so important for a man to understand this and WHY it is YOUR JOB to create it.  If you are trying to improve or save your marriage and intimate life, you must embrace this reality and own it!

Emotional safety is important to both men and women.  Without it, we feel unsure about opening up and sharing sensitive emotions and thoughts with each other.  Fear of being judged, criticized, or ignored will shut down any hope of communicating at a deeper level on just about any topic.  This absolutely affects the ability of two people to connect on an intimate level.  Show me a man who has neglected his job in the emotional safety department and I’ll show you a man who has an unhappy marriage and an unsatisfying sex life.

Men always ask me:

  • Why is this MY job?
  • Why do I have to go first?
  • Why doesn’t SHE have a role in making ME feel safe?

The answers have to do with the way we are biologically wired.  This has nothing to do with who is stronger, smarter, or more rational.  Men and women are absolutely EQUAL all the way to the level of our souls.  But, we are not the same.

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Your wife or girlfriend is naturally gifted with the ability and intuition to sense your INTENTIONS.  This means that she will consciously or subconsciously react to your energy and intention.  This is her programming and secret power.  As a man, you do not have this gift.  This is why it is YOUR JOB to behave in ways that create feelings of emotional safety.  This is YOUR special gift and secret power.

As your relationship has developed, she has internally cataloged hundreds of emotional data points from you.  She can immediately sense what your intentions are when you speak to her or about her, touch her, walk past her, and even when you close a door.  It is up to you to understand this and choose to be intentional with your words, tone, and behaviors.

Your words can convey either respect or disdain.  Your tone can make her feel loving appreciation or disappointment.  Your actions will communicate either resentment/anger or calmness/self-assuredness.  She FEELS these from you.  She will not usually tell you this directly.  But you must understand the enormous impact that your negativity has on her ability to trust you, respect you, and be attracted to you.  It is entirely up to you to choose the messages you want to send her.

Even if they buy into this, many men will say, “Well, I can’t be responsible for how SHE processes her stuff.  It’s not my fault if she is reacting to me.”

Horse hockey.  This is like saying you’re not responsible for understanding the emotional needs of your child.  Or, you’re not responsible for understanding the mission of your company.  Or, you’re not responsible for the consistency of your golf swing.

If you want to improve your marriage and your intimate life, you have the responsibility for learning what is required.  You do not resent the basic fact that SHE needs you to provide emotional safety.  In fact, when you become aware of and committed to your masculine role, you find something else is true.  The process of becoming that man is extremely rewarding and fulfilling in itself.  It feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders when you understand and accept what is needed from you to create emotional safety for her.

This process also opens up lines of communication and sharing that you didn’t have before.  She is able to reciprocate with words and actions that make you feel safer.  You have finally allowed her to feel comfortable in communicating her intimate needs and desires.  And, you have created an environment in which her confident feminine nature will emerge to understand and meet yours.

Call or email me anytime for a free chat about helping YOU understand how to create emotional safety and THEN intimacy in your relationship.  Really.  You CAN do this!

3 thoughts on “No Emotional Safety Equals A Cold Affectionless Marriage”

  1. Hey Steve, interesting thoughts.
    I totally agree a partnerdhip is a learning experience and we have responsibilities on both sides to move towards stability and understanding. Without question, a guy’s words should always have the right intent and respect.

    Though in my coaching experience, I’d have to disagree with the fact that women have this inate ability to understand a man’s intentions – as human beings, we are all tainted with historical experiences that cloud and confuse our judgement. They only ‘think’ they can and most times get it all wrong – the better course is to always be truthful and open and at least that then allows a woman to build on a framework of honesty.


    P.S So many posts that have comments disabled too, my friend.

    • Hi Martin,

      Thanks for the heads up on my disabled comments issue. Will fix pronto! I SO appreciate your helpful feedback there!

      I see what you’re getting at with your assessment on the “innate understanding” premise. I don’t mean to imply that women are mind readers and that men should rely on that for communication. My message to men is that when they are speaking, responding, or even moving through the house, they have an energy that can be perceived as accepting, supporting, respecting VS. judging, disappointing, or disrespectful. It is in their tone, their choice of words, their body language, and even the way they close a car door. If there has been any recent bad feelings/conflict (historical experiences), this is even more important for a man to pay attention to. Many of my clients have a history of helping to create bad feelings and are on the path to doing better.

      I believe a woman will trust the honesty of a man’s apparent intentions much more than his words PARTICULARLY when he is trying to rebuild a strained relationship with trust and respect issues. And I do believe in this case that they pay extremely close attention to each and every move he makes. Just like a horse is constantly monitoring it’s environment and the energy around them. I’ve learned that most women possess this trait far more than most men.

      I couldn’t agree more with you that both partners will judge each based on tainted history and have a responsibility to “let it go” so they can focus on moving forward with more accepting and displaying more productive relationship behaviors.

      Of course, in a healthy trusting relationship they both are enjoying rewarding conversations and authentic exchanges of thoughts and feelings without judgment. What a place to be, isn’t it?

      • Ahh gotcha Steve.
        I misunderstood the words of the post, mate. Actions speak louder than words – make them consistent and habitable good actions and both men and women will be far more harmonious.

        Yep, I have both men and women clients – this applies to both, equally :)

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