My Wife Said I’m Insecure and Need to Be More Confident

Hey brother, I see you Googling “My wife said I’m insecure” and I wrote this article just for you (because I’ve been where you are right now…)

There’s a common story that we hear over and over again from married men that contact us…it sounds like this…

“I’ve been following you guys for a while and I’m just finally realising something, you talk about being confident, knowing your masculine power and mojo and it pisses me off because I recognise all those things – I had them before in my relationship but now they’re gone and I don’t know how to get them back.

I used to be so relaxed, secure and confident – I didn’t care how she responded to my flirting and mischievous sexual energy – she used to chase me!

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I had a confident swagger and we were both really happy.

But now I’ve lost it. I’m nervous and tentative and needy for reassurance from her and I can’t seem to break out of it. I keep trying to pull her closer but I think I’m pushing her away.

How do I get the old me back?”

As I said, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

It’s incredibly common for us married men to feel like we’ve lost that mojo we once had.

Why?

Because the mojo we had was a different kind of confidence.

We didn’t doubt ourselves.

We were in the flow of learning and growing and developing and creating a bright future for ourselves and those we cared about.

We felt switched on, confident, competent and trusting in ourselves – full of mojo.

If you’re reading this, I can hazard a guess that you’re not feeling very switched on, confident or competent right now, are you?

In fact, you may be feeling the opposite.

Maybe you’re feeling more confused, inadequate, frustrated and unhappy. Add to that a little bit of anger, resentment and blame.

You’re probably wondering if it’s all worth it?

Thinking about how life used to be so much easier.

So what is the key to turning this around? How does a man who’s not feeling confident, lead the relationship back to fun, flirtation and connection?

I talk more about it in the video below:

YouTube video

When you’re looking for your security outside yourself, through what you do or what you get, you will always be chasing it from other people, circumstances or achievements.

At the start of our relationship we’re constantly validated with attention, praise, respect and appreciation for what we know and what we do.

Our women are impressed by our skills, our purpose and our self-confidence. We’re clearly self-motivated and we don’t have to think about who we are being.

What we know and what we do created an addiction to external validation. It creates an insecure man because we end up craving it and doing anything to keep receiving it.

If you aren’t able to validate yourself, you get lulled into a false belief in your own value. Which shows up as neediness in a long term relationship or marriage and your wife can’t stand it.

Here’s the missing link.

The only thing that will make you feel truly confident, competent again is an unshakeable awareness of your own value – that WHO YOU ARE BEING is so inline with WHO YOU WANT TO BE that you validate yourself with every action you take.

Our romantic partners quickly become unimpressed by what we know and what we do. She knows that those things are so easy for you.

If you keep seeking validation from her, she will turn away, feel disgusted, feel uncertain about you, and worst of all, she’ll lose her respect for you.

No matter how intelligent and wealthy you are, it won’t be enough. She wants to feel your unshakeable commitment to being a man you’re proud to be.

This is the only path to her feeling genuine respect, attraction and appreciation for you.

Some aspects of being this man are:

Being deeply present.
Being fully self-aware.
Being empathetic.
Being considerate.
Being firm in your values.
Being a man of your word.
Being consistent.

These are things you do FOR YOURSELF not for her.

Most importantly, it includes being a self-reliant man who operates to your own code of conduct, no matter what other people think.

With non-negotiable boundaries that you stand up for without worrying about the outcome.

You have to become secure in yourself first, before she will trust in and open up to your confidence.

Most men want attention, praise, respect and appreciation in their marriage. But if you’re struggling with self-doubt, and insecurity, those external sources of affection and appreciation will never be enough and she will eventually become exhausted by your need for them.

We coach men to become 100% secure in themselves so that they can provide their own self-validation, self-respect and self-affirmation.

Then from there we can GIVE praise, affection, appreciation, and attention and feel fulfilled just through the act of giving those things. And because they come with any need for reciprocation, she loves to receive them and wants to come toward you to receive more.

This is why we advocate for marriages NEEDING a healthy man to be healthy. It’s a sustainable structure of giving from a place of fullness – fullness from meeting our own standards and living to our own values. It’s not sourced from what we say or what we do.

It comes from an unconditional, unapologetic and crystal clear intention of being the best version of ourselves first.

So my question for you is…

Do you take up the challenge to become a secure man and creating a path to a healthy relationship?

I see the amazing changes this process has on men every day, in every area of their lives, not just their relationships.

In our coaching we take men through an intense program to become the man you were always meant to be. It’s a process of rediscovering your enthusiasm for life and it changes who you are as a man.

Some ways for you to get back that old swagger and mojo are:

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The support and camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, own your power, know what you want and know how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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