My Wife Abuses Me, What Should I Do?

I may lose a few subscribers with this article…but it must be done.

My hope for this message is to challenge and empower you to think differently about feeling offended, insulted, manipulated, controlled or abused.

The internet abounds with countless experts trying to help people know when they are being abused and how to escape their evil perpetrators. These experts arm them with tips, tools and vocabulary to identify their manipulative, controlling, domineering and narcissistic abusers.

“Abuse” is the new relationship battle cry and public enemy #1.

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It’s creating armies of otherwise healthy men and women who spend a LOT of time and energy indicting their persecutors. Then they spend MORE time and energy complaining about it and trying to get others to sympathize with them.

It becomes a full time job for these default victims.

They are not aware of any other course of thinking or action that can create a different result. Therefore, they spend no time thinking or doing anything that can be more empowering and effective.

The ultimate problem is this way of living has no end.

Even if they finish the work of exposing all their persecutors…they’re still a victim. It’s like finally winning the rat race and still winding up a rat.

Brother, I want more for you. You’re not a rat. And you’re not a victim.

There is a more effective way to THINK about all this and a more productive way to RESPOND.

I explain more in this video.

I know abuse is a real thing.

There are people who are victims in the world who have no option whatsoever to do anything about the nature of their circumstances and the abuse their suffering.

I’m not talking about that.

Today I’m talking about adult men who are otherwise healthy, who seem to live in a world where they think they are being abused.

They take a victim approach to how they see circumstances.

And when I use the word victim, I don’t mean it to accuse or blame or belittle anyone.

Because I’ve been in the same boat receiving the silent treatment or name calling or distancing, the cold shoulder, not getting kisses goodbye or hello or even being threatened with divorce. Things that are kind of toxic or destructive or mean.

Some guys will say, well, that’s emotional abuse.

My wife won’t have sex with me…that’s emotional abuse!

Give me a break.

Dear Abby, Ann Landers Gandhi, Oprah Winfrey, for heaven’s sakes, they all say the same thing. You can find their quotes all over and they teach the same world wisdom which is…nobody can make you feel insulted or offended or manipulated. Nobody can make you feel controlled or emasculated or abused…unless you let them.

I know this sometimes falls on tough ears, meaning it doesn’t go over very well when you’re feeling like you are being manipulated or controlled or otherwise abused.

So what I want to tell you in this article is that there is a place a guy gets to when a switch goes off in his head, where he doesn’t see things that other people do or say or think – including his wife – as personal or as abuse.

You no longer think that it’s a premeditated, calculated attempt to gut you to make you feel bad.

And when I tell guys to stop taking things so personally, they say, “How can I not take this personally, it feels so personal”.

I get that.

I totally understand that, because there’s a feeling in your gut of abandonment, there’s uncertainty and all this stuff is happening, and you feel like it’s happening to you.

Well, that’s a victim mindset to think that everything somebody in this world does is happening to you.

It’s kind of arrogant isn’t it to think that everything is about us all the time.

So what I want you to understand is that when you do this work, and you get more secure, more confident, more self reliant, more mature in your masculine frame…what you understand is that things do happen, but they’re not happening to you.

Circumstances occur in relationship with other people that aren’t all about you.

Women get angry, women get mad, women leave, women lie.

Men do the same thing too.

Stop thinking that they’re doing it because of you and it somehow makes you less of a man, or it makes you weak, or it makes you powerless or insignificant.

It’s not all about you.

And so the switch I want you to flip starting today, is to start to see things from an observer standpoint and to see that things that are going on around you are not about you.

When you see somebody who’s cold and distant or dismissive or insulting or critical, or anything like that, start seeing what’s going on with them. Start understanding their side of the story.

And watch it as an observer as if it’s a circumstance that you did not create.

Now in relationships, yes, sometimes we co-create bad feelings and distrust and disrespect (we talk about that in our other articles) but let’s assume for the next week or so that you see everything that’s happening as just an event, but not an indicator that there’s something wrong with you or that you’ve done something wrong.

This will keep that Hummingbird part of you from asking questions like:

What did I do Wrong?
What’s the matter?
Where are you going?
Why won’t you talk to me?
Why won’t you kiss me?
Why won’t you have sex with me?

The Hummingbird asks all those questions.

But the mountain lion that I always want you to be, backs off.

He’s more observant.

He sits back on his rock watching things as an observer.

And he understands that he’s actually Ok, even though the circumstances are happening, they’re not happening to him.

This is where curiosity and some of those intellectual perspective come into play.

Where you know, you’re ok.

That’s what I want for you this week.

“In every moment you have the CHOICE to be a victim or a creator.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Let me be clear.

I am speaking directly to healthy adult men who want to become more emotionally confident, mature and effective in their life by changing how they think and respond to their circumstances. These men have a clear choice to create new circumstances for themselves.

I fully realize there are many innocent victims of circumstances and abuse who have no such option and we must support and defend them.

What’s really happening when someone treats you badly?

This is what happens when a man finally becomes clear, confident and secure enough to see the truth about “abuse”.

Instead of seeing criticism and cutting comments as abuse…he sees them as insecure bids for connection.

Instead of experiencing her cold silence as emotional abandonment…he experiences empathy for her internal turmoil.

Instead of feeling threats of divorce as vicious emotional abuse…he sees right through her fearful need to take control.

This is what happens when a man finally becomes clear, confident and secure enough to see himself as a creator of his own circumstances.

Instead of launching boyish counter-attacks, he consistently demonstrates calm, confident and mature responses.

Instead of pursuing and pressuring her for approval and validation, he confidently gives her space while happily engaging with others.

Instead of accepting poisonous attacks or destructive behavior, he firmly and confidently states his expectations and invokes consequences without fear of the outcome.

How does he achieve this Zen-like state of masculine maturity?

He stops trying to change others and puts laser focus on changing himself. This is all the control he has and all the control he needs.

You have a few options on where to put your focus.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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