Your Angry Wife Needs Your Help

Are you dealing with an angry wife and struggling to know how to handle her anger without causing more arguments? Here’s Your superpower to help her relax…

I had to laugh out loud at something a guy told me the other day.

Allen was feeling defeated about his interactions with his wife. Without knowing it, he gave me the perfect example of the kind of results men tell me they want most. If they could just figure out how to act more like Tarzan, they would feel so much better about life in general.

It happened again last night, Steve. She was angry about something at work involving her boss and another coworker. She kept ranting and then looked at me and said, “Why do you guys have to be such assholes to women?”

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What did you say?

I took the bait again and said something stupid about how women are irrational and impossible to talk to.

Then what?

Then we got into a nasty, hour long argument about feminism, misogyny and equal rights.

Sounds fun. What would you do if you could have a do-over?

You know those old Tarzan movies? There’s a scene where Tarzan and Jane are in the jungle and Jane gets really mad at him for something, I don’t know what. But he just smiled at her and was totally unaffected. Then he just said, “Jane pretty when mad.”

What did Jane do?

She just rolled her eyes and they went on about their jungle day. Damn, I wish I could have the peace of mind and confidence to say things like that and be like that!

(LOL) Don’t we all, Allen. Let’s talk about how Tarzan got there. You can do this – you just don’t know it yet.

I told Allen about my experiences with reacting to my wife. Like a lot of guys, I had a hair-trigger when it came to any implication of disappointment or disapproval from her. If she was angry, she must be angry with me, I figured. I must have “screwed up” somehow and now had to figure out why and how to fix it fast. That normally included a boyish reaction, an insult, an argument and then – the silent treatment.

If my wife was really upset about her boss, her mother or me I would react by recoiling and preparing a defensive retort. I internalized her anger as an indictment of me and my status as a “really good guy” everyone else seemed to like just fine! Resentment filled my veins.

That’s exactly where Allen was with his wife.

And the thought of saying “Jane pretty when mad” was nowhere on his radar.

I talk more about it in this video:

YouTube video

What The Hell Does “Jane pretty when mad” Look Like In Practical Terms?

Another client of mine, Bill, learned how to turn his tendency to react to his wife into a “Jane pretty when hungry” response. Here’s the story…

His wife had a habit of coming home from work in a tense, irritated mood. She would arrive home and immediately start complaining about everything. It was so predictable and annoying to Bill that he would usually get into an argument with her about something just in spite.

Then he figured it out.

His wife was always coming home hungry and this always made her agitated.

So Bill decided to start making some fun snacks they could share together when she got home from work. He said, “You should have seen the look on her face when I just casually put out the snacks and asked her about her day.”

Bill engineered his own “Jane pretty when mad” response and no longer worried about her moods upon arriving home.

Ladies can do this for us too. It happened for me yesterday morning in my kitchen at 7am.

Except that it was more of a “Tarzan sexy when mad” moment.

I was sleepily making my sweetie a cup of coffee with our Keurig one cup magic machine pain in the ass…ummm…coffee maker.  Standing there barefoot in my fleece jammies I heard the machine burp, hiss and then erupt hot water and coffee grinds all over the counter and the floor.

I felt boiling water between my toes as the cat jumped into the middle of the mess.  I tossed the kitty out of harm’s way and just yelled, “F*ck!  Goddam piece of crap!”

My “Jane” puttered down the hallway with a toothbrush in her mouth humming some damn song that was in her head.  She shuffled up to me, opened her arms and muffled through her foamy lips, “You want a hug?”

She helped clean up, made a comment about cleaning the machine this weekend, patted my ass and went back to her business with the hair dryer.

To me it felt like, “Tarzan sexy when mad”.  And I liked it.

FYI, ladies.  Every guy reading that last part is now shaking their head thinking, “Damn, what a mythical creature”.

For men, this is exactly what the “Jane pretty when mad” energy is all about.  It’s about a calm, deliberate and unrattled masculine gift of acceptance. It’s about not following the drama and negative energy of the moment.

It’s about assuming the BEST about your partner.  That her anger is not about you.  It’s not personal.  There is no reason to react to her anger with defensiveness or boyish insecurity.

“Jane pretty when mad” is any response you can muster from a place of self-confidence, presence and love.

This is Really About You – Not Jane

When we start doing personal development work inside our relationships, we need to check our motivations.  Sometimes we choose to learn a new mindset and new tools for the wrong reasons.

We want Jane to like us.  We want her to swing with us.  We bring bananas so she will give us crazy hot monkey love to make us feel good about ourselves.

Jane not like your hidden agenda.  And neither should you.

Why?

If you want to be more like Tarzan, you also need to know his secret.

Tarzan very happy with Tarzan and not NEED Jane to give him anything.

Tarzan is so comfortable, confident and at peace in his own skin that he only needs a loincloth. He doesn’t rely on Jane to make him feel like Tarzan. But she likes to.

He doesn’t need Jane to give him hugs, kisses and crazy hot monkey love. But she likes to.

Tarzan knows he has options. There are other Jane’s in the jungle if Jane doesn’t like him the way he is.

But every day, Tarzan chooses Jane and offers her his consistent presence, support and strength. He’s independent but dependable. And he sprinkles in some fun and humor in there too.

That’s just how Tarzan rolls.

And Jane like that.

I received this email from Allen a few days later.  He had been practicing his Tarzan mojo – calm, present and unrattled.  Here’s what he said.

I am amazed how my not reacting turned out to be such a positive thing. But boy in my mind I was definitely having a reaction :)  My wife had forgotten about her [snarky comment] in a couple of minutes and her tone turned normal and the morning turned out fine.

If you want to learn more about how to be comfortable, confident and peaceful in your own skin, I’d love to help show you the way.  Get started today, here’s your first step…

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and Dan lead this community with 9 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions


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Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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