There this thing I do every now and then that sucks the wind out of my sails quicker than…(insert your own metaphor here).
I have a feeling you might do this sometimes too.
It’s a crippling habit that fills a man with doubt, uncertainty and indecision. It creates a general mindset of inadequacy and sometimes-even ENVY.
What’s the habit?
COMPARING YOURSELF AND YOUR SITUATION TO OTHER PEOPLE!
Sometimes I compare my business to my friends’ and colleagues’ businesses to see where I stand.
Sometimes I compare my lifestyle and where I live to people who seem to be happier…and warmer!
Sometimes I compare my level of productivity to other men who seem to totally have their sh*t together and get TONS more done in a week than I do.
And sometimes I compare my looks, physique and sex life to those of other men who seem to be way ahead of me in those departments.
Have you ever done that?
In this short video I discuss why it kills your mojo to do this and what to do instead.
Today I woke up and I felt like everybody in the neighborhood has got their firewood ready, everybody is more productive, everybody is more efficient, everyone is a better planner…everyone’s got their shit together but me.
So I made a plan, I had a bunch of stuff out on the property and I finally got the truck together and the girlfriend and we went out and got a couple of cords of wood picked up and stacked here.
I feel good about it but I’ll tell you what, I had some shame about it this morning thinking that, once again another weekend is going by, it’s getting close to winter and everybody else seems to have their wood ready now and I don’t.
So I was doing that thing. I was comparing myself to other people’s version of success and other people’s version of happiness.
This cripples us. It sucks the wind out of our sails. It makes us feel inadequate.
We compare ourselves to celebrities, and to people in movies, on TV and even porn.
We use women, and a gauge of ‘does she love me or does she love me not’ – the one gauge on your dashboard that’s got her face in the middle of it and a needle that point to ‘she loves me’ or ‘she loves me not’ and you know you’re having a crappy day if she loves you not and a good day if she loves you.
So how do you get rid of that gauge?
What is the answer to comparing yourself to other people?
What is the answer to that lingering feeling of uneasiness? That indecision and uncertainty that we have about who we are.
Why do we keep looking beyond ourselves for evidence?
Why can’t we look inside?
Inside us is an internal gauge. It’s a gauge that WE own. We get to define the units of measure on what success and happiness is for us.
It’s a hard gauge to create and it’s a hard gauge to calibrate.
This is what we do for men in our group or 1-on-1 coaching programs. We help them calibrate their own gauge by answering questions like:
Who am I?
What do I stand for?
What do I believe in?
What’s a boundary of mine?
What am I willing to defend?
Where am I going in life?
My coach asks me this question a lot – what is the vision of your future that is so powerful that it almost makes you want to cry?
And it makes me cringe every time he asks me that and go “do I really have to have an answer to that question?”
And the answer is YES – you’re supposed to think about this.
I don’t have to have a great answer every morning when I wake up, but I do have a clear vision of what I want to do when I ‘grow up’.
Part of it is sitting here on a pile of wood talking to you about this being a process. There are no clear answers that are going to change your life tomorrow, but I want you to know that this is a process of calibrating your gauge.
What we do is to help you to answer those questions about who you are and what you believe in, what you stand for, what you want out of life, what do you expect of yourself when nobody is watching? What do you want for yourself?
Part of the corrective action that we do when we find ourselves calibrating against other people – is to stop doing that!
Become aware of what you’re doing. When you see yourself doing that, call yourself out on it when you say things like “I wish I had what he has”, “I wish my life was like that”.
I even caught myself doing it today. I was saying, “I wish in the winter I lived by the beach” so I’ve had beach envy lately. But the truth is that that’s got its downfalls too.
We have to stop doing that.
Someone reminded me by saying “man you don’t have it so bad up here on the mountain – really! Chill out!”
The other thing we have to do is to start hanging around better people.
The one thing I know about me and my life is that I had a period in my life where I wasn’t hanging around people who inspired me, people who energized me, people who encouraged me and supported me – and when I changed that, my life changed…and that’s what I want for you.
One thing I do for me and then I do it for you, is to run coaching programs and have retreats. I do these things because I get to stop comparing myself to everyone else in the world and I get to meet vulnerable, compassionate, smart, talented men who support me and let me support them.
I get to hang around people who want to be openhearted and honest about what they believe in. They want to be challenged to improve and they want to challenge me back.
The process of working with other men helps me to get rid of this whole comparison thing and challenges us both to answer those questions – Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going?
And so, I want you to join our next group-coaching program. This is a place for us to get together, to start opening your heart and answering those questions. I want to see you there. I want to meet you. I want to talk to you and get to know you.
So I encourage you to take the first step…put yourself out there….do whatever it takes to get out of the rut you’re in.
There is a new group-coaching program starting on the 25th October.
This is a chance to join an exclusive group of high quality men who want to support and be supported by other high quality men.
We are here to share, listen, discuss and debate topics about men, women, sex, relationships and marriage…among other stuff.
I will be coaching you through our Masculine Confidence Intensive course over a period of 4 months. You’ll also be coached by Dan Dore who is the only other trained practitioner of my unique coaching approach for men.
Some of the benefits you’ll leave with after completing the program will be:
- Claim your masculine guiding principles and personal boundaries
- Reignite your confidence in your own strength and ability to respond to women powerfully and attractively
- Get massive confidence in your decision-making and communication of your desires and goals
- Become an unapologetically masculine and passionate man
- Learn the truth about feminine power and how you could be “dancing with it” instead of fighting it
- Develop a bold new attitude of pushing your comfort zone and eliminating excuses from your life
- Embrace uncertainty and change knowing without a doubt that you will thrive no matter what
- No longer walk on eggshells around women and claim your place as a powerful, loving, compassionate man
- Create positive sensual tension everywhere you go and enjoy the life of an inspired, engaged, motivated and sexual man.
This Program is For You If:
- You want to create an intense and permanent SHIFT in your mindset in order to feel clear in your decisions and confident in your actions.
- You want new tools, tactics and strategies to deal with your current challenges and emotional triggers. You want to be a man who operates to his own values and expectations of himself.
- You want to be a man who confidently faces difficult circumstances and responds with calmness and clarity while staying independent of any specific outcome.
If you want to be a part of an exclusive group of men who have your back then find out more about the Men’s Cave Group Coaching Program here.
If you like the sound of understanding who you are and where you’re going better then get in touch – apply for a consultation call with me or my associate coach Dan Dore. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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