I want to talk about psychology at a very basic level.
Just getting a clear picture of WHY we do the silly, stupid things we do when we’re afraid should be enough to help you make a shift as soon as today.
Have you ever tried to hit a golf ball toward the green with a 10 acre pond immediately to your right? Yeah. It makes you nervous. It makes one eyeball glance constantly at the one thing you really DON’T want.
And then you take a tentative, teeth clenching swing at the ball…and even before you hit it you know it won’t turn out well. It’s a 3/4 swing. You don’t trust yourself and you’re playing small.
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That situation happens at least 10 times a day for men in a relationship that isn’t going well.
Why?
Because he’s like a race car driver running in the back of the pack staring at the wall. He can’t steer, accelerate, brake or pass anyone properly because he has one eye on the damn wall at all times.
In his relationship, the “wall” is something else. It’s FEAR. It’s his fear of her not liking him. Fear of making her mad. Fear of LOSING HER.
And when we “drive” through life and relationships with fears like those, we spend most of our time on the defensive. And in romantic relationships with women…that’s the most ineffective, unattractive and unsexy position to drive from.
We argue, get defensive, play games, retaliate, pout and disconnect.
Women can smell our fear of failure and our dependence on their approval at a molecular level. They can see our one eye ball glancing around trying to avoid the discomfort of her anger and rejection.
How do you stop doing this?
Just like the golfer and the race car driver.
Practice. Then more practice.
Just like them, you must learn the massive importance of driving your life without fear. You first have to know WHY fear is keeping you from swinging a club, driving a car and LOVING A WOMAN properly.
Once you know this and believe this, you can choose to change it.
Just like in the book “The Art of Racing in the Rain” (great book, by the way), when you first experience the confidence of driving with your wheels sliding through a turn, you will drive better and faster than everyone around you.
And it will look like MAGIC to everyone watching. Nobody will know that the reason you make it look so effortless is because, unlike everyone else, you’re not afraid of pushing the scary edge.
How would it feel to “drive” like that in your relationship and in dating?
How magical would it look to everyone watching if you conquered your fear of being rejected, making her mad or even losing her?
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How would you respond to everything differently?
How would you use your new calm, relaxed mindset to create a more connected and passionate relationship?
So how do you handle being in front of an agitated, angry or irritated woman?
What do you do when she’s letting off steam in your direction?
The key is….to stay put.
Stand Your Ground.
Keep your feet where they are.
The temptation is to dart your eyes away. To avoid.
The temptation is to move away, to the garage, the basement, anywhere but there.
Why am I telling you this is important?
It’s because the feeling you create within her when you become fearful, frightened or you start to escape CREATES FEAR IN HER.
It creates a sense of emotional unsafety, emotional tentativeness, an emotional disconnection from you.
And it can make her even angrier!
Have you ever had a woman get angry at you for not being present? For not standing with her when she’s mad?
It sounds crazy…why would you want to stay there with her when she’s like that? Why would you want to do that?
If you know her motivation. If you know the secret behind why she needs you to stay put and stay present – it isn’t so she can control you or berate you.
It’s so she can FEEL THAT YOU’RE STRING ENOUGH TO STAND WITH HER when she is irritated, agitated and angry.
If you can take the perspective that she may be irritated, agitated and angry without it being anything to do with you.
If you can take that perspective and know that her emotions don’t mean that you’re a bad person, a horrible husband or a pathetic man (which is often how we process feminine stress and chaos and anger).
If you can pull the curtain back and KNOW that almost all the time, the agitation, irritation and the anger is not directly related to you as a human being and that the best thing you can do for her as a human being, partner and lover, is to stand with her and calmly gaze at her and just listen.
Just listen…
There are three words that can be SO useful in this kind of situation…
Tell Me More
These are the three hottest words you can say to a woman in the middle of her agitation, irritation and anger.
Don’t fight. Don’t resist. Don’t run. Just stand there.
This is how one guy put it yesterday in an email to me. I do not make this stuff up. I don’t have to. Scott said:
“Let’s just say we broke our 2 week dry spell and it was amazing! What an intimate connection. The rest of the night we laughed and had a blast. Keeping the “Mountain Lion Mojo” in the forefront of your mind projects such an amazing energy into the world.”
The only difference between you and Scott is that he committed to learning how to “drive”. He is conquering his “good guy” fears of not being liked, of being rejected and of being alone. And he’s learning to drive in his relationship with a 4 tires sliding through the curves with total control – and a grin.
Do you want this? Of course you do. It will change your life.
Contact me here to arrange a free consultation call to talk about the race you’ve been running and how you are going to move up into the pack – slowly, surely and with a grin on your face.
I only expect you to show up honestly and openly. Find a quiet spot. We will be talking for at least an hour and you will feel better at the end than you’ve felt all month.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
