The Simple Question To Get What You Want In Your Marriage

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It takes only ONE question to get what you want.

Whether it’s a better job, more money, a date with a pretty woman, or more sex…there is ONE question separating you from what you want.

It’s the question you haven’t asked yet.

Yeah, that’s it.

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You don’t get 100% of the things you never ask for.

Yes, HOW you ask is important. But it’s not nearly as important as just ASKING the question.

This is where we continuously fall short of our dreams and desires.

We simply do not ask for what we want.


Because we’re afraid.

Afraid of rejection. Afraid of looking stupid. Afraid of what others will think.

We’re even sometimes afraid that we don’t actually deserve to get what we want.

So what do you do?

You make a simple choice.

You have to decide if the fear of the consequences of asking for what you want is greater than your fear of never getting what you want.

Once that switch flips…once you say this is BS and I’m going try something different…you will see an instant improvement.

Every day I watch men push their uncomfortable edge of being stronger in their values, clearer in their desire and more confident in asking for what they want.

They know they must make changes within themselves in order to make changes outside of themselves.

And they are AMAZED at the results. They get more affection in their relationships. Pay raises. Better clients. And more overall peace of mind.

These changes require you to put yourself first.

I’m not saying you need to be an arrogant ass. I’m saying you need to focus on developing your confidence in who you are, what you want and where you’re going.

You can do this while still being the attentive, kind guy you normally are.

But…while you are busy caring for other people you don’t not need to care what they think about you, your values and your burning mission.

A man doesn’t let anyone stand in the way of his mission. And he learns to ask directly for the things he wants.

I call this Mountain Lion energy.

Here’s my 2nd Annual video from the hummingbird feeder to give you a reminder of how important this is for you.

YouTube video

I use a metaphor about hummingbird vs mountain lion energy.

The hummingbird is a very jittery animal. Sometimes men can be very jittery like the hummingbird, with a heart rate around 200 beats per minute. We can get very anxious and nervous, we ask a lot of questions like:

What’s going on?
Why did you do that?
Why did you say that to me?
Where are you going?
What are you looking at?
Who are you talking to?
What did you mean by that?

We ask all these pestering questions because we’re nervous. We’re anxious and we feel dodgy and uncomfortable in ourselves.

So I use this metaphor as a way to explain why you should stop being a hummingbird husband and act a bit more like a mountain lion.

A couple of recent stories from my Facebook group brought this to mind.

One guy said that recently he’s been acting more like a mountain lion. He hasn’t been happy like he used to be and instead of complaining and moping and griping about not liking the job, he very calmly and deliberately went to his boss and said:

“I’m not happy with this. I want a change. I want something different.”

He just did it very calmly. He wasn’t angry. He explained his reasons as to why he wanted to feel more engaged, connected and excited with his work. He said he was capable of more.

And guess what…

He got a promotion. Yeah, crazy huh.

He got a promotion to a place that was just 15 minutes away from his home where he’s now the foreman of an electrical group!

So he posted in the Facebook group “Ask and you shall receive!”

What he means is that when you stop being a hummingbird, when you stop complaining, stop whining, stop griping, stop asking questions about why things aren’t better, you can start being more like a mountain lion, with a heart rate of 40 or 50 beats per minute. You’re sitting on a rock and you’re flipping your tail with your eyes half closed.

When you’re in mountain lion mode, you just say what you want, you say what you mean and you speak your truth.

This works at home too.

Another man told me a story of when his wife and he were getting into a lot of arguments about how each of them treated the kids and how they were parenting and it was getting really snarky. It was getting very negative and she was becoming very critical.

He decided to stop the hummingbird activity and stopped asking questions like “Why do you have to talk to them like that?” or “Why are you such a bitch?” and “Why are you so mean?”

So then he goes into mountain lion mode and he decides to take a big deep breath and stop blaming her for being crazy which is what he was implying – he was really insecure with her discomfort and her anger.

When he got really calm and he just took her to the side later and said “You know what…we’re both better than this. We’re both stronger parents than that. I think we feed off each other. I think we can do better. Next time things get really tense, I’m just going to tap you on the shoulder and let you know that I’m here and I’ve got your back. We need to be a united front with the kids and I know we can do it.”

That was really calm. Really reassuring. Not blaming energy. And instead of wanting to blame her for everything, all of a sudden he took responsibiity into his own hands. Responsibility for his energy and how he talked to her and how he wanted to lead the situation.

And it worked!

He sent me an email later saying “You wouldn’t believe the change in our household.” He said “We’re just not going there like we used to. We’re a lot calmer.”

That’s what you can do when you switch from hummingbird to mountain lion energy.

If you’re thinking you want some Mountain Lion energy, I want to explain to you how you’re going to get it – apply for a consultation call with me or my associate coach Dan Dore. I guarantee you’ll feel better by the end of our talk.

This is also a topic we’ll be covering in depth in our next Group coaching program starting at the end of June.

There are incredible breakthroughs we make when men team up and work together.

It’s about feeling heard and understood maybe for the first time ever.

It’s about that calm, confident, peaceful feeling we get when we see the truth about our masculine power and ability to live what we dream.

And it’s about creating new connections and a support network most men don’t have before they die.

I want to meet you, connect with you and build a life-long relationship with you. And I want you to want that with other men too.

We’ve already got some amazing guys from around the world booked in, You need to meet these guys. And they need to meet you.

Next step?

Read more about our Mens Cave Group Coaching Program.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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