Toxic masculinity…toxic masculinity…toxic masculinity!
Did you get that queasy knot in your stomach yet?
Is the hair on the back of you neck tingling just a bit?
Most good men have a physical reaction to the phrase…at least a wince of discomfort when they hear it.
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And then what do they do?
Some of them waste another few hours of their day lurking around the internet getting themselves all spun up with anger and defensiveness. They will engage in emotionally charged arguments with other men and women trying say something brilliant or change someone’s mind.
The problem with this approach is that it’s entirely INEFFECTIVE.
Most of the discourse on the topic is infused with dramatic outrage, fear, blaming and shaming tactics.
And the result is a mass of people who are more agitated, more angry, more distrustful and more defensive than ever.
This creates more division and more contempt.
In other words...it’s totally ineffective and has ZERO chance of making any real change in the short term or long term.
And the worst part?
It’s totally ineffective for the man who wants to dramatically improve his life, his marriage, his parenting and his legacy.
I believe the most effective way to create a healthier social dynamic is to create healthier INDIVIDUALS.
If we want trusting, respectful and safe relationships between men and women we must create stronger men and women of integrity, empathy and emotional maturity.
This is where you come in.
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You have a specific sphere of control and influence in your life. And that’s not embroiled in wasteful arguments and finger-pointing with those outside your direct influence.
Ignore them and stop wasting time. You must focus within the boundaries of your own life experience.
This is why I’m always preaching to men, “Stay in your lane!”.
The KEY here is to actually know where your lane is and what it means for you to stay in it.
How about the lane of “Safe, Natural and Effective Masculinity”?
This is the opposite of “toxic masculinity”.
In this video I explain what this means.
I’ll keep this simple, as usual.
SAFE means you are emotionally mature, self-reliant and grounded in your masculinity. You’re not over-reactive, defensive or threatened by conflict. You’re unafraid of being “emasculated” or “insulted” or “offended” because you don’t accept victim status.
NATURAL means you understand that your unrattled sense of peace and well-being is your default state. It’s a place you choose to come from and not something you seek to get from others. Because of this you’re naturally approachable, kind and generous. And because of this you’re naturally curious and amused when others are not.
EFFECTIVE means you understand the value in a measured, thoughtful RESPONSE to your emotional triggers instead of an immature, boyish REACTION. You don’t need to be “right” in disagreements and you handle conflict in a way that leaves others feeling heard and understood. You clearly know what your values are and you’re unafraid to stand up for them.
Positive masculinity isn’t rocket science, but it does take a conscious effort.
It requires us to lose the baggage of childhood insecurity and to decide to own our thoughts and our choices.
You’ll never feel more liberated and more at peace as when you achieve self-reliance and detachment from the trappings of neediness and insecure competitiveness.
And that includes silly arguments on Facebook about toxic masculinity.
If you’re interested in getting more conscious and more involved in transforming your masculinity, you’ve got options.
This is all we do.
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The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
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That’s what we want for you brother.
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