Hey brother,
Every month I get together with a bunch of amazing guys in Fort Collins, CO. It’s our “Men, Marriage and Sex” Meetup group.
Recently we were talking about the difference between healthy self-confidence, arrogance and plain old assholism. (It’s like a disease)
I threw out the notion that healthy confidence in a man is where he consciously cares about what others think, feel, fear and dream…but he doesn’t give a crap what they think about him, his values or his mission.
The 3-Step Emergency Triage for You AND Your Marriage >>
This always confuses guys at first. Just the phrase “doesn’t give a crap” makes them feel like an asshole. That’s part of their problematic “good guy” social programming.
I word it like that to get a rise out of people. It challenges them. Both men and women usually bristle at the idea of a guy who “doesn’t give a crap”.
But pay attention to the wording. He “consciously cares” about the feelings, fears and dreams of others. He may even want to have someone in his life who cares about HIS feelings, fears and dreams.
But a truly self-confident man doesn’t get wrapped up in the drama of other people’s opinion of him. He isn’t rattled by their moods, disapproval or disappointment in him.
Why?
Because a truly self-confident man is operating to his own standards for a life well lived. He is living within his own boundaries as a man of integrity, honesty and transparency. He doesn’t require validation from others for the way he chooses to live his life.
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He has clearly defined values which direct him. He’s focused on a powerful vision of who he is, what he wants and where he is going.
He’s on a MISSION that is more important to him than those who might judge him and his mission.
I believe it is only THIS GUY who can authentically care about other people’s feelings, fears and dreams without giving a crap what they think about him. He isn’t attached to their approval or to any outcome.
Other men live in a prison of insecurity. Everything other people say or think about them runs through a filter of self-doubt and fear that makes them react with anger and defensiveness.
They lash out in retaliation. Then they try to control others with criticism and manipulation
These are not confident men. They are assholes.
I went down to the barn and made this quick video for you about this.
Stop Depending on Her and Start Attracting Her Again
Many husbands and boyfriends these days are operating to a dangerous set of “rules”.
I didn’t see this and I didn’t escape this reality until much later in life.
Now that my eyes are clear and my head is on straight, I want to help you before it’s too late.
The dangerous rules that many guys were raised with sound like this:
If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy.
Don’t rock the boat.
Walking on eggshells is what good boys do.
Happy wife – happy life.
Whatever you do, do not piss her off.
Make sure you get a kitchen pass.
Your needs are always second.
All women are emotional. Deal with it. suck it up and learn to apologize.
These are dangerous rules because each one puts you into a second-fiddle frame of mind.
The second-fiddle frame of mind makes you do dangerous things like this:
Tread lightly and tentatively in every conversation.
Act with caution and uncertainty when it comes to decisions.
Seek approval and validation constantly.
Follow her moods up and down like you’re riding on her roller-coaster.
Over-react every time you think you did something good and got no credit.
Argue with her about things that need no argument.
Get defensive and justify yourself each time she seems unhappy.
Stay in a perpetual “pissy” state of resentment and indignation.
The second-fiddle frame of mind makes your relationship incredibly frustrating and stressful.
Here’s what happens when you go there.
You feel like crap. Angry crap.
She finds you indescribably unattractive and unsexy.
You want to avoid her and hide out.
She wants “space” from you.
You complain about lack of intimacy.
She says she doesn’t need another kid to take care of.
You go to work mad and under perform.
She sleeps with her back to you.
The short story above has become an epidemic of sorts. As I mentioned, I finally got my vaccine.
The cure to this cycle of despair lies in one very elusive character trait.
Self-reliance.
Without it, we are doomed to depend on the feedback, permission and endorsement of everyone else but ourselves.
And in your relationship, lacking self-reliance may very likely be the culprit behind your frustrations and dissatisfaction. It’s also normally tied to feelings of neglect, emasculation and disrespect.
Self-reliance is the trait of being able to self-endorse, self-validate and self-approve. I help men learn how to earn these stripes through action – one step at a time.
These are the entry-level actions you must take to become self-reliant.
Make a non-negotiable list of your self-expectations independent of anyone else’s opinion. What do you demand of yourself without needing input from anyone else?
Make a non-negotiable list of what you expect for yourself. What do you demand for the environment and relationship you want to live in?
Make a non-negotiable list of the specific boundaries you have for your own behavior and for those you choose to include in your life.
Decide that you will hold yourself accountable and stand up for yourself.
Understand that no man is born self-reliant. Most of us slowly and surely give up our independence and learn to measure our value, significance and worthiness through the eyes of others. This can easily be reversed with proper desire, focus and commitment.
When men learn to become self-reliant, I hear them say things like, “Holy crap, this is so liberating!”
Or, “I had no idea how dependent I had become and how it was making me – and her – crazy.”
Or, “I feel so damn confident now, it’s funny to see her chasing me for a change.”
I don’t make this stuff up. Those are real stories.
It’s so simple but yet so difficult to see when you’re in the chaos and pain of a relationship.
Self-reliant people wake up happier and go to bed more content. They don’t think of being alone as loneliness.
Self-reliant people tend to talk more clearly and boldly without worrying about reactions or judgement.
Self-reliant people trust their own judgement, are more decisive and they don’t seek approval for who they are.
And most importantly…they’re not assholes.
They find out the only way to truly love, truly be present, truly empathize and truly support another is when they don’t need anything from them.
If you want to learn how to be unshakeably confident in yourself, then below are some options for you to change right away…
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
