Is your wife complaining of your neediness? Has she asked for space or said she feels smothered?
I talk a lot about women’s intuition and their ability to FEEL the intentions of men, especially their romantic partners. In a long term relationship, this ability is even more fine-tuned.
And when the relationship is starting to struggle, they can actually begin to feel male neediness in almost everything we say and do.
This is why we must come to grips with how women may “smell” neediness. More importantly, how can WE see it in ourselves? How do we stop it before it starts?
And how do we understand WHERE it came from to start with and how do we get rid of it for good?
I discuss more about this topic in the podcast below (taken from my interview with Mens Dating Mastery):
The Three Big Ones
1. Asking specific questions when she’s emotional to get emotional reassurance for yourself
As soon as we see or feel a woman getting angry, sad, cold, or disrespectful, the worst thing you can do is starting pummeling her with questions. “What’s the matter?” Or, “Why did you do that?” Or, “How could you say that to me?”
A man who uses these kinds of questions will typically appear weak and needy to women. He NEEDS to know what’s going on with her. He NEEDS her to justify her actions. He NEEDS her to make him feel better by apologizing for being hurtful.
His neediness is distressing and unattractive to her. He will plead his case by saying, “We should be able to talk about this. Why can’t you just talk to me about it?” More questions.
He is rattled by her. She can’t stand that he is so easily rattled by her. She cannot feel emotionally safe with a man who chooses to make everything she does about HIM.
Tips for Avoiding This Before it Starts:
- Resist all attempts to analyze her, persuade her, or fix her. Don’t fall on your sword either and start apologizing for whatever you might have done wrong. And definitely do not just avoid the whole thing and disappear.
- As soon as you feel your lips beginning to form a question (e.g. wwwhhhhaaa…?) just stop.
- Think of a STATEMENT that reflects what YOU think and what YOU believe.
- Speak from your heart. Make it simple. Something like:
– “It seems you’re angry about something.”
– “You seem down, baby. You relax and I’ve got dinner tonight.”
– “If you need some alone time, you know I’ve got your back.”
– “We can talk about this, but not if you continue to be disrespectful.”
I can’t tell you how many women have told me, “I just wish he would say what he thinks instead of interrogating me with questions!”.
2. Doing strategic tasks for her to get “brownie points”
This is also crystal clear to most women and they not only see what we’re doing, they see it as pathetic.
Neediness When a Man Is Doing a Woman’s JobA man should ALWAYS be working on pulling his fair share of the duties of running a household and family. It’s when he purposely OVERDOES it in order to win her attention that problems arise.
He may take on ALL the vacuuming, ALL the laundry, ALL the cooking, ALL the pet care, and even offer to draw her a bubble bath with rose pedals just to get a glimpse of her naked body.
And when he goes to “cash in” his points, she rolls her eyes with disdain. And then he gets mad.
He was making a hidden deal with her the whole time and she’s not buying it.
She sees the passive-aggressive efforts as boyish, immature, and needy. She cannot possibly feel attracted to him. Although, occasionally she will make herself give in to the game.
Tips for Avoiding This Before it Starts:
- Check in frequently with your motivations before becoming “Mr. Wonderful”. Anything you choose to do must be done for one reason only – it’s who you are in the relationship. You have no agenda. No expectations. No strings. Pulling your weight is not a ticket to attraction. But doing it with a sense of purpose and self-respect is!
- Avoid needing to point out what you’ve done as if you need credit or points to go on the scoreboard. It is boyish to constantly show her what you’ve done just get her acknowledgement.
- Do what needs to be done. Let her experience the joy of finding things that were taken care of. Get your own affirmation by knowing you’ve made the choice to step up – for you!
3. Trying to behave just the right way to get sex.
Sometimes we think the planets must align just perfectly for her to want sex. And we believe that most of those planets involve us doing everything just so. Screw one thing up and it’s over. Right?
Wrong. It’s transparent to women when everything a man does and says has a tentative edge. He’s acting just a little too careful. He’s walking on eggshells. He’s asking her how she’s feeling and whether or not her headache has gone away. He apologizes quickly for any perceived infraction of the galactic order required to make him attractive to her.
It’s incredibly unappealing.
Yes, even long time married guys know this game and it’s not flattering. If he tries long enough and hard enough, she will eventually give in. Obligation sex. And he may think his tactics actually worked when they really just wore her down.
Tips for Avoiding This Before it Starts
- You’re going to hate this tip. Just be yourself.
- I know, it’s too simple and complicated all at once. It even sounds funny to tell any guy married 10 years to “be himself” around his wife. But it’s exactly what he needs to do. He has regressed back to the 15 year boy at the movies wondering if should put his arm around his date. He’s sweating at the idea.
- He must stop treating his wife as if she is a sexual Rubik’s Cube – as if she requires a very strategic approach in order to warm her up. That’s not only a turn off, it’s insulting to her that he sees her as an asexual mess of a woman. She’s really not. She’s just craving some authenticity. And confidence.
- If you’re interested in having sex with her, say so. No apologies. You’re a sexual man in a sexual relationship with a woman you find very attractive. Tell her so. And then don’t care about her response or the result. Be fine if she tells you she isn’t interested. Move on with your day – unrattled.
- But…if she says “Oh, really, is that so?” you better be prepared to lead her into the next dance step.
The goal of preempting your neediness is to build your OWN confidence in dealing with her emotions. You must do this in ways that honor YOUR expectations for yourself. It is important that you find a way to truly understand and believe that her emotions do not constitute personal attacks or judgment of your manhood.
The best judge of your character and your manhood will always be how YOU feel you’re living to your own standards and expectations.
Dan Dore (my associate coach in the UK) and I are here to guide you on this journey to be truly confident and unapologetic in BEING yourself and experiencing the life and love you want – apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
The Goodguys2Greatmen Live Coaching Roundtable is a whole new way for you to get involved and the support you want fast.
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Photo: Sekgai / Flickr