The Uncomfortable Truth to Getting What You Really Want in Your Marriage

One of my favorite fiction books is The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein. I lost count of how many times this book made my eyeballs swell up…pushing back tears.

It’s about car racing, risk, love, cancer, death, dogs…life.

Here’s one of many classic quotes from the book.

“There is no dishonor in losing the race. There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose.”

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One of the main characters is Denny – a race car driver. This guy never loses a race in the rain.


Because he trained himself to become more comfortable at something that freaked out everyone else.

He learned how to be calm, comfortable and confident when all 4 tires broke loose!

Instead of white-knuckling the steering wheel and sitting on pins and needles he just learned to intentionally go into a 4 wheel skid.

Why again?

Because it was predictable. He was finally in control. He knew exactly what that car would do in that state…and he milked it good.

He was pushing the scary edge that kept all the other drivers off the gas…tapping their brakes.

But not Denny. He would tap the gas and start his slide into a whole new comfort zone. A zone only HE found comfortable.

From there you can predict what happens. He slides through the turns and passes other drivers like they are standing still.

Some thought he was reckless. But Denny knew better.

Better to tell your car when to skid than sit around wondering when it’s going to skid on you.

Are you still with me?

I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.

This is exactly how I think men should be thinking about their life.

I hung out in the middle of the pack for 30 years – tapping my brakes and letting off the gas.

I was afraid of pushing the scary edges of what I wanted and becoming the man I knew I could be.

I was a people pleasing, egg-shell walking good guy who thought settling for good enough was…well…good enough.

What I learned is that “good enough” is the mindset of a man who is settling for less than what he really wants.

If you want to have a relationship and sex life that rocks your world, you need to be pushing an edge you’ve never faced.

If you want more adventure, variety and spontaneity in your life, you need to make some scary decisions.

And if you want a better paying job or a more profitable business you need get comfortable in the 4 wheel skid of increasing your value and asking for what you want.

Here’s a quick video I made for you about that.

YouTube video

Being able to feel in control even when the situation around you is outside your control is a great metaphor for what I want to talk about with you today.

Because ALL of us have got some things that we’re afraid of. We have some things in our life that make us drop to the back of the pack.

Things that make us tap the brakes, slow down, drive with caution.

Sometimes we drive too fast when we shouldn’t be.

Sometimes there’s things you want to say, that you’ve always wanted to say, that you wont. And later or you have the perfect response and you’re kicking yourself for not saying it.

You might have a dream in your mind about what you want to be or what you want to do and the kind of relationship, or the job, or the money you want to make…but you’re not saying it out loud.

You back off the gas.

You tap the brake.

You come back to the middle of the pack, to where it’s safe.

Maybe some day soon you’ll make your move. You’re not sure…you might.

What I know is that most men never do make their move. They finish the race in the middle of the pack.

What I’d like to talk to you about is…how can you get to the point when you’re slowly and surely, pushing yourself, to the point where you’re wheels break loose, just a little bit. And you start to get comfortable doing things and saying things and making decisions that push the edge of comfort for you.

Things that you’ve always wanted to do…but you’ve never quite had the nerve.

The art of racing in the rain is all about getting comfortable in a new zone.

Going out to the edges of your comfort zone and looking for an opportunity.

That’s where all your growth is going to be.

The process of coaching men, is the process of sitting in the drivers seat and analysing everything they’re doing. Letting them know when to tap the brakes. When not to. When to hit the gas. When to steer into the turn. When to back off. When do we apply pressure and when do we release it.

Coaching is all about helping a man understand how to make the very smallest little changes in the way he’s driving his life, that will have the most exponential impact on his results.

In his relationships. His job, income, parenting….

It’s amazing when a man makes one small change….everything changes…for the better.

How do you learn to do that?

You do this by pushing your very first scary edge.

For me that meant accepting help and investing in high quality training and experiences. This pushed me out of my comfort zone big time.

I’ve just been back in Santa Monica for the 4th time for a 4-day coaching intensive that is always a little edgy for me.

I’m with a group of 150 other people who are all challenging each other. I’m not a fan of huge groups anyway. It’s intimidating.

It pushes me to think, speak, engage and grow. And it’s not cheap which is another edge I’m learning to push – investment.

But EVERY TIME I return home, I feel an exponential shift in my energy, mojo and commitment to creating what I want. It’s a high better than Fat Tire beer provides – and I like me some Fat Tire.

Anyway, this is what I know.

Real change and exponential improvements only happen when we push ourselves into the zone of discomfort.

We have to know when to fearlessly press the gas and when to hit the brakes.

We have to know when it’s time to take a stand, speak up and risk pissing other people off.

And we have to know how to respond to situations that might otherwise control our destiny.

This takes a commitment to learning, internalizing and PRACTICING a whole new mindset. New operating principles. Brand new mojo.

And we’ll never find that just in a book, video or podcast. What worked for me is what will work for you. Spending dedicated time with other initiated men and committing yourself to a process of personal change.

This is how we turn our “lights turn on”. And there’s nothing else I would rather do than to spend some quality time helping you do that. I’ve developed a reliable 90-day process that gets consistent results for men and it doesn’t hurt a bit.

Actually, we end up laughing together more than anything else.

It all starts with a simple, powerful, courageous conversation.

Click here to get started. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo: Mcl@chlan / Flickr

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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