Do You Think You Married The Wrong Person?

If you’ve clicked because of the title, that might mean the thought has crossed your mind at least once during your relationship.

Don’t worry – you’re not alone.

This “dirty little secret” isn’t really that big of a secret. Our minds can go there easily – especially if there has been a frequent pattern of bad feelings, disrespect, disconnection, resentment, and waning intimacy.

I suggest taking a big, deep breath. Don’t believe everything you think. Don’t think everything you feel is valid.

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But What About the Evidence?

The evidence that makes you think and feel like you’re with the wrong person is all the stuff exactly opposite of what made them feel like the right person to begin with.

They are inconsiderate
They are disrespectful
They don’t pay attention to you and your needs
They don’t trust or value you
They don’t desire you
They don’t “connect” with you
They don’t share your values
They drain you and make you feel bad about yourself
You don’t feel attracted to them.

Looks like an open and shut case, right? What if the evidence is false? What if some of it is simply fabricated?

Other articles you may find helpful:

How to Be More Secure, Confident and Attractive in Your Relationship
Does Size Matter To Satisfy Your Wife?

What if this evidence is simply a reflection of the energy you are putting into the relationship?

It happens all the time.

Two people start out their lives together by constantly creating positive, loving energy. Then, they sloooowwwly morph into a couple who only reacts to negative energy.

They both have stopped giving what the other needs because they are now focused only on what they are not getting.

That’s the evil power of negative energy. It makes you go into a defensive mode when what is really needed is a strong offense.

A Reality Check

In some cases, two people get married who probably should NOT. In spite of a comfortable, fun, supportive, and respectful courtship, the cards are still stacked against some couples right at the very start.

They may have a colossal mismatch of emotional maturity preventing emotional intimacy.
There may be an enormous chasm between their relative intellectual gifts and ability to communicate and to share intellectual intimacy.
They may have unresolvable spiritual values and beliefs that undermine respect and the ability to share spiritual intimacy.
There may be pre-existing frustrations with the lack of physical attraction and badly mismatched sexual desires which stifle any ability to develop satisfying physical intimacy.

I admit, there are relationships in which issues with these 4 intimacies have no clear solutions.

Can two people compromise, negotiate, and sacrifice to work through these things? Sure. But they both start the relationship feeling like they may be just settling for less than what they want.

It’s possible to grow into any of these 4 intimacies even when it seems impossible.

Yes, it does take two. Before it takes two, it takes only one to want to. It’s possible you haven’t even come close to making the effort required. I’m still chasing my own demons around my decision to divorce. Do I still think I settled for 28 years? Yes. Do I think I made a strong effort along the way to help intimacy grow? I’m not so sure.

But What About “Soul Mates“?

With the divorce rate hovering around 50% (and much higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages), you can bet that wedding day “soul mates” are not exempt from wondering if they made a mistake.

Even those who take a second and third chance, believing they finally found the “right” person, actually do worse!

Every relationship has the ability to melt down into the state of feelings and mode I described above.

If you repeat the same thoughts, words, and actions in each relationship, you will get the same results.

Even “soul mates” can crash and burn if they have no idea they actually need to exert a little effort. They may think they “complete” each other as if each of them came to the party with only half a person! This mindset may cause them to make only a half-hearted effort, waiting for the other to pick up the other half.

Some people say strong relationships take work. That sounds ominous and scary.

I prefer to say that each person needs to make an effort. Effort is something you choose to do because you want to. Work is something you feel you just have to do.

How Much Effort?

Not much. Just your 100%. Not 50%.

Whoever said our relationships require a 50/50 effort from each person was bad at math – and relationships. There is no “other half”. You are a whole person and so is she.

50/50 means you have one foot out the door and one foot in.
50/50 means you will only do so much before needing something in return.
50/50 means your commitment to personal growth and to your relationship has certain conditions and expectations from others.
50/50 means you’re content to live your life on the 50-yard line and hand the ball off to someone else to run with it.

Not good. Not attractive. Not inspiring. Not fun.

Living your life 50/50 is a recipe for winding up really pissed off – at others first – then at yourself.

What’s the other 50% you may have been missing?

10% – You start learning
10% – You start changing your frame of mind
10% – You start changing your words and actions
10% – You become clear on your values and operating principles
10% – You create your own inspiration and affirmation because you feel your own worth and value your own growth

At this point, you may be tempted to ask about her or his other 50%.

Focus. This is not about them. You can’t hand off the ball to them at the 50-yard line!

You must want the whole 100% for you no matter where they are on the field.

Other articles you may find helpful:

All the Intimacy You Want With ONE Habit (and why you don’t have it yet)
How to Have Fewer Arguments, Less Drama and More Sex

You are the only person who can possibly succeed in this relationship – or your next one.

Take another deep breath. Now exhale.

Think about what you most want from life and your relationship. Are you willing to give your 100% ?

The only thing holding you back is you.

It’s your fear of the unknown. It’s the sadness of the past. It’s finding out that you, along with everybody else, are not perfect and you have a lot of learning and growing to do.

It’s the fear of being accountable – the fear of running the ball into the end zone yourself.

It took me 28 years of marriage and 53 years of living to get over the fear. I’ve learned about the joy in building relationships with people who can help me focus and be accountable for MY efforts.

There is SO MUCH more on the other side of fear.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo: Brandon Grasley / Flickr

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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Frequently Asked Questions

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Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.