Did Your Wife Take Away Your Sexy, Self Confidence?

What happened to you? Find out the missing link in a married man’s mojo.

There’s a heart-breaking story I hear over and over again from married men.

It sounds exactly like this.

“Dear Steve,”

“I’ve been reading your stuff for a while now. The way you talk about confidence, masculine power and mojo has made me realize something. And it pisses me off!”

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“Before I got married I WAS that guy. I was calm, relaxed and confident with women. I didn’t need women to make me feel good and I was totally comfortable in my own skin. I had my share of beautiful women and wild nights. I never worried what they thought of me. I didn’t get into arguments and I wasn’t rattled by anything. I slept great. I was in great shape. I was happy. I had my swagger!”

“And now…I’ve lost it. I’ve lost it all.”

“I don’t know how or why but I feel like I’m nervous as a cat and walking on eggshells all the time. I see myself bugging my wife for attention and reassurance and I hate what I see.”

“But I can’t stop. I’m feeling uncertain and insecure about my marriage and myself. And I wonder if she is creating new relationships.”

“I walk through the door and I turn into a “mush pile”.”

“I think I’m probably pushing her away and I don’t know how to stop.”

“I want the “old me” back.”

Does This Sound Familiar?

If you’re reading this saying, “Damn, I could have written that word for word”, you are not alone.

It’s incredibly common for married men to feel like they’ve lost the mojo they once had.

Why?

Because the mojo they once had was a different kind of mojo!

The cocky confidence and self-reliance we feel before we’re in a committed romantic relationship comes from a different place. It comes from confidence in what we’re learning and the skills we are honing.

“Single man mojo” (never before married) is typically driven by feelings of competency and worthiness generated by what we know and what we do.

In other words, we feel smart, capable, competent and pleased with ourselves.

If the story above resonates with you, you’re not feeling very smart, capable, competent or pleased right now, are you?

In fact, you may be feeling the opposite.

Dazed, inadequate, clumsy and unhappy might be more like it. Then sprinkle on top a little bit of anger, resentment and blame.

It’s the perfect storm for making a guy wonder if it’s all worth it.

Life used to be so much easier.

The Missing Link in the Married Man’s Mojo

It’s easy to be fooled when we’re operating within our single man mojo. We are constantly validated with attention, praise, respect and appreciation for what we know and what we do.

This applies especially at work and on dates with women who are impressed by our status, our social and financial value and our obvious self-confidence. When we’re operating in this mode, we don’t have to think about who we are being.

This is because what we know and what we do has already earned us the toxic external validation we crave. This validation is our only measure of adequacy, desirability and “good enoughness”. It’s toxic because it is like cocaine for the insecure man.

Without an internal source of validation he will end up overdosing on the external validation which causes him to believe his own bullshit. He thinks he is better than he is.

Then he gets married. And he tries to play the same game.

His addiction to external validation then becomes a toxic neediness. His wife can’t stand it. And it makes him feel like a dazed and confused “mush pile”.

Here’s the missing link.

The only thing that will make you feel truly capable, competent and pleased is an indubitable awareness of your own value – that you are BEING the man you want to be without needing her to validate that for you.

Your romantic partner becomes quickly unimpressed by what you know and what you do. Those are slam dunks for you and she knows it.

If you continue your validation seeking behavior from her she will turn away. She will feel disgusted. Worse yet, she will feel uncertain about you. Even worse, she will lose her respect for you.

Your bad ass intelligence and mad money-making skills are no longer enough.

She wants to feel your unshaken commitment to being the man you’re proud of. This is the only path to her feeling genuine respect and appreciation for you.

That includes being present.

Being self-aware. Being empathetic.

Being considerate. Being firm in your values.

Being a man of your word. Being consistent.

Most importantly, it includes being a self-reliant man who operates to his own drummer no matter who is watching. He has non-negotiable boundaries and is willing to stand up for himself no matter the outcome.

Bottom Line – You Can’t Fill a Cup with Holes in the Bottom

Most men want attention, praise, respect and appreciation in their marriage. We want to feel like that “cup” is topped off frequently.

And while we are unapologetic about wanting our partner to contribute to that cup, she can’t be the primary provider.

If our cup is already “leaky” with holes of insecurity and self-doubt, she stands no chance of keeping it full. Her affection and appreciation runs out the bottom faster than she can fill it. So we’ll keep going back to her for a refill. And the effort will soon exhaust her.

We have to do the inner work necessary to provide a water-tight container of self-respect and self-affirmation. When that cup is always over half-full we feel less needy and we’re able to give respect and affirmation much easier. It’s the authentic giving from that cup that makes reciprocation effortless for our partner.

This is the kind of mojo I’m talking about. It’s self-propelled by living in accordance with our own values and our own rules.

It’s not sourced from our intellect or our skill set.

It comes from an unconditional, unapologetic and crystal clear intention of being the best version of ourselves first.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

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Photo: Nathan Colquhoun/Flickr

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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