How to Decide What to do With Your Marriage

So. There it is.

The question that has been in your head for quite some time now.

Maybe you’ve never said it out loud before or have seen it in writing.

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

Maybe you’ve been secretly talking about it with your therapist, your mom, or your friends. Or…your lover.

This question causes some of the most painful thinking and talking a person can imagine. There’s a really good reason for that.

“What should I do about my marriage?” is a trick question.

The question implies that the marriage is as detached from you as a leaky faucet or tired old car. Those things have gone bad on their own without your involvement. The decision to fix or replace them can be a nagging and difficult one. But in the end, it’s just a matter of time and/or money.

Most people view their troubled marriage much the same way. It seems to be an autonomous entity that either works or doesn’t. It should be easily fixable or replaceable. Therein lies the trick. It’s not.

Why do we believe the solution to an unhealthy marriage is to fix or replace our spouse?

Maybe it’s not our spouse exactly.

Maybe it’s fixing or replacing the house, the in-laws, the job, or the lifestyle.

Maybe if there was more money, less stress, more free time, more sex, or more respect everything would smooth out.

Maybe if ALL the variables around us could align JUST SO then we would finally achieve the level of trust, respect, happiness, love, and PASSION we think we deserve.

The trick question implies that we might have some control over the marriage or spousal “beast” to have those needs met the way we want them met.

The trick question implies that the decision can actually be made without including ourselves as part of the problem.

It’s the wrong question.

The only rational and actionable question is:

“What to do about myself in this marriage?”

That is the right question.

The truth hurts

There is a pain associated with asking the right question. A very real pain.

It’s the pain of realizing that our ability to directly influence the outcome of our marriage is out of our control.

It’s the pain of guilt inflicted stomach knots when we are faced with acknowledging our own contributions to an unhealthy marriage.

It’s the pain of coming to terms with the fact that we have no power over the choices of other people.

It’s this pain which causes so many of us to focus our attention elsewhere and ask the wrong questions.

But, by asking the right question you can finally see clearly the things you CAN control.

And the good news is that it is only THOSE things that have a chance at improving your relationship with ANYONE – including your spouse.

The things you can control

The things you CAN control do not include changing anyone but you.

The things you CAN control will not automatically improve your marriage.

But, the things you CAN control will immediately start changing the ENERGY in your marriage.

It is the nature of the environment that YOU choose to create and live in that determines the choices of others close to you.

If you want your spouse to join you in a healthier and happier marriage, the changes you choose to make in yourself MUST MATCH the environment you desire.

There is no guarantee that the changes you make will improve or save your marriage.  Remember, that is out of your hands. However, those changes will improve or save you.

The changes you make must be for you only because that is who you choose to be, for this or ANY relationship.

That is all you can control. Your spouse gets to make their choices accordingly.

If you are the smart, loving, strong, and generous person you think you are, this should be easy, right? I can tell you it is not.  It’s work.  And just like any good thing in your life, it’s worth working for!  We’re never as good as we think we are.

So, what do these changes look like?  How do you know what to do or how to do it? These are very personal choices you must make on your own.

Do any of these feel right for you?

Here are some of the personal change values some of my married clients have chosen to adopt and live by:

  • When I speak to my spouse my intention will always be from a place of love.
  • I will always deal with conflicts with the goal of making my spouse feel my respect.
  • I will work on choosing healthy responses instead of destructive reactions to stress.
  • I will learn what my spouse’s real emotional needs are and begin to meet those needs without judgment or conditions.
  • I will make my boundaries clear for bad marital behavior and live by those standards each day.
  • I will not apologize for being a passionate, sexual person nor for my intention to enjoy those gifts in my life.
  • I will stop acting with judgment, resentment, or disappointment and will stop taking everything personally.
  • I can’t control the choices my spouse makes but will invite them to enjoy our marriage based on healthy shared values.

These are just a few of the types of changes a partner can choose to make NO MATTER WHAT anybody else thinks or does in response. They are for you and you alone.

A choice to make these changes is a commitment to yourself. You may need some help or encouragement from a professional counselor or life coach.  It is some of the most valuable and important work you can do.  Consistency is extremely important.

It might improve or save your marriage.  It might not.

But it is the only chance you have.

What now?

Make a choice.  Make a decision.  Start the process of talking this out with someone you trust.

Talk with a close friend, mentor, or me.  The call is FREE.  Let’s chat for a hour or so.  I care about you and your future.

I can tell you from experience that your good is coming if you can choose to take action and trust another man to see you through it.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here