Why Being Vulnerable with Your Wife is Sexy (and How it Can also Turn Her Off)

This might get a little messy.

I know how it feels to be judged or criticized for how “manly” I’m being.

This isn’t meant to judge or criticize. It’s inside information – secret insight into the world of women and how they process masculine vulnerability and sensitivity.

I’m not saying this is the way it SHOULD be. But as of now – this is a reality you need to be aware of.

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What’s the reality?

Women can be turned off immediately by our unbridled emotions.

If you are concerned about whether your emotions are arousing or annoying the women in your life, listen up.

Our female partners are NOT our mothers. While mom is usually happy to listen to our whiny problems and hurt feelings, our sexual/romantic partners can only absorb so much.

There’s a tipping point after which our vulnerability and expression of fear or frustration causes trouble.

Now…don’t make women evil because of this. They’ve got as much societal programming and baggage as we do. Even the most mature, evolved women in the world have a limit on male vulnerability. It may change in time – but not your lifetime.

In this video, a couple of my friends – and twin sisters – give honest answers to the questions:

When do you find male vulnerability arousing? When do you find it repelling?

After you watch this video, think about how you are showing up with your emotions.

In this video we discuss:

1. What makes women feel angry when men emote?
2. How do men act when they share feelings from an attractive place of strength?
3. What does a woman feel in her mind and body when she feels like her man isn’t taking charge of his feelings?

First, I asked “When a man is acting sensitive and vulnerable and is exposing himself to you and you feel attracted or aroused by it…what is he doing? What does it look like to you?”

Marge said, “A man has to break through so many cultural scripts to be vulnerable. When a man admits something vulnerable about himself to me, I know that it would have taken a lot for him to do that and I’m never turned off by that. There’s nothing that I feel in my body that is unpleasant when he does that. I know he’s not trying to manipulate me, he’s not just being sensitive to impress me, I don’t even mind when he’s sheepish about it – I just really appreciate it. I know that he trusted me and that means a lot.”

Leslie said “When a man reveals to me, things that matter the most to him, the deepest things that trouble him in his being, I know that he doesn’t just reveal them to anyone, so I feel completely trusted by him. I love the kind of vulnerability when a man reveals to me how he feels about me or when he trusts me so much that he’s able to fall asleep in my arms. I love that!!”

OK, so then I asked “What does male vulnerability and sensitivity look like when it’s unattractive and repelling?”

Marge said “I feel turned off when a man is being vulnerable with me but I don’t get the sense that he has agency on the matter, or that he has figured out what he’s going to do about it. I don’t mind when a man comes to me for input or when he feels broken by it, but if I feel like he’s being a victim or whining about it like he’s helpless and has no agency, that to me is like an MO that probably permeates everywhere – like his MO is that the world is always happening to him and he’s never in control of it. I don’t mind when a man doesn’t know what to do but he knows he’ll figure out what to do. But I can tell the difference. And when he’s being the victim, I just think he’s a child. I’m turned off. I have no respect for that kind of man and I don’t like myself when I’m with a man I have no respect for.”

So I asked, “Does that mean that his uncertainty, his lack of having a plan, his lack of feeling confident, causes that feeling inside of you too? Is the way he’s being an uncomfortable thing for you too?”

Marge said “I don’t mind if a man doesn’t know his plan at the moment of speaking with me, but if I don’t think he has confidence in himself to come up with a plan, I don’t like it, it feels unattractive to me.”

Lesley said “I don’t mind when a man needs my support, if he has a problem and he comes to me for some input, that doesn’t turn me off. But when he demonizes me by revealing his feelings or his lack of safety in the face of my behavior, it puts him as a victim and makes me the demon – that is a big turn off because I think that no matter how I’m being, what’s louder than anything is how much I love this man and he’s more wrapped up in his own stuff about how I’m being and making me wrong for it and that just turns me off.”

So there’s some clear feedback from two women about how they love men being vulnerable with them – but in the right way.

The thing I wanted you to get from this video is that when you open up and be vulnerable with a woman, honestly, from a place of knowing your value and without an agenda or without needing them to rescue you…they love it. It’s sexy as hell.

But when you open up and be vulnerable without showing any signs that you trust yourself to work through your problems, that is a big turn off and even makes them feel bad about themselves in their body.

It feels like they have to mother you and tell you what to do. And that’s not attractive for any woman.

We talk about this a lot in our coaching programs. How to understand the subtleties in interacting with women and how you’re constantly emitting information to them that tells them how confident you are in yourself, how much they can trust you, how much they can trust your opinion, how much they can relax and open and surrender to you and be affectionate.

It’s all related!

If you like the sound of understanding the interplay that’s happening between you and your wife better then get in touch – apply for a consultation call with me or my associate coach Dan Dore. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

Photo: Maxi Kohan / Flickr

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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